Carpet Cleaner Adventures (mature)

[Asher]

Hey guys; this just happened about a couple hours ago, and I wrote about the experience. It is NON *B/DL.

WARNING: THERE IS MATURE LANGUAGE THROUGHOUT!

Enjoy, and tell me what you think

Carpet Cleaner Adventures

I woke up from my nap with my mom shouting:

“Damnit, Hannah, you peed on the carpet!”

Oh joy; my lovely sister was at it again. You know how 4 year olds are sometimes. I get up and didn’t even bother to stretch. Of course, our living room was in shambles from my sister’s antics, and right on the carpet was a giant wet spot where it was clearly obvious that my sister had peed.

“…Are you serious, Mom?”
“Yea… I am…”

A moment’s silence aroused the greatest suspicion that she did not know what to do next.

“… Um… think you should clean it, Mom?”
“Oh yea! Let me get the carpet cleaner!”

I stared down at my sister; words refused to come out of my mouth. I just stared around the apartment for a while until my mom came back around the corner.

“…We don’t have carpet cleaner.”
“Mom, are you freaking serious?”
“Sadly, yes. You’re going to have to go get it before the stain dries so we can get it all out. Go! Book it down to Ace Hardware and go get some!”

I walked over to grab some money and my keys, with my mom shouting:

“Go! Go! I think it’s drying!”
“I’m going RIGHT NOW!”
“Okay. Oh wait! Honey, wai-“

I closed the door behind her; I wasn’t going to bother listening to another word from her. With the money and my keys in my hand, I went straight down the stairs and right down to the street, with the California air blowing right into my face. From there, I decided to book it to the street corner, where I waited for the little light to turn green. As I waited, I noticed some people were staring at me. Whatever, I thought.

As the sidewalk light turned green, I ran across as fast as I could. Why I ran as fast as I did, I have not the slightest idea. I ran down that hill as fast as I could, finally reaching the intersection of Pacific Coast Highway and Main Street. As I continued to run to the hardware store, more people stared at me. Why are they staring at me? I thought.

I looked down and, it was then I realized that I had ran downtown, where the whole world could see me, with nothing but an undersized shirt with a gorilla on it and purple and yellow smiley boxers. Today would go down as probably the most embarrassing day of my life; I knew it.

I continued to trot down to Ace Hardware, and I read the sign: “Sorry, We’re Closed.”

“Are you freaking serious?” I shouted to myself. I called my mom to tell her that the store was closed. The phone rang and rang, until finally she answered.

“Hello?”
“Hey mom, it’s –“
“Honey, you just ran out of the house with nothing but your shirt and –“
“I KNOW, I KNOW! Listen, the store’s closed.”
“Are you serious?”
“Um… yea… Its not like I’m lying right now.”
“Don’t be a smart aleck, hun. Umm, let’s see… Go over to the drug store and see if they have any.”
“Got it.”

I hung up the phone, and ran across the street again to the other side. Viola! The drug store was closed! Son of a BITCH! What the hell was I going to do now?

I looked around, stared at the window that was showing my reflection. What a fucking idiot I am I thought to myself. I continued to look around, and I saw the sign for Whole Foods Market.

“That’s it!” I shouted to myself. I got a couple of looks from people again as they passed by. I don’t blame them; wouldn’t you look odd at a guy with a small shirt and purple boxers who was shouting at himself in the street?

I ran over to the entrance, and as I walked in, I got even more looks from the employees. With the store music playing from the cheap little speakers scattered around the store, I walked up to an employee some aisles down, and I began to talk to him.

“Um… hi; I need some help finding some carpet cleaner.”
“Hello; would you be interested in trying our new organic cereal for only $10.99 a box?
“Oh, no thank you, I just need to find some carpet clean-“
“You could also try our new deli meats by the counter and-“
“Damnit man, I NEED FUCKING CARPET CLEANER!”

He stared at me, almost giving me the stink eye as he looked over my body and the “clothes” I was wearing.

“Look man, I already know I look fucking ridiculous. Tell me where it is, man.”
“…Where ‘what’ is?”
“THE FUCKING CARPET CLEANER!”
“It’s over there, but I’m calling security befo-“
“Oh, don’t you DARE call security on my ass. I am so not in the mood right now!”

I ran over to the aisle with the man just staring at me in awe. I pretty much dived down to where the cleaning material was on the bottom, skidding across the floor as I went. I saw some cleaner that said “CARPET” on it with big bold letters, and I snatched it right off the shelf. I ran to the line, waiting for the line to get smaller and waiting for my turn. Waiting, waiting, waiting. It seemed to take forever. I continued to get more stares from passerby-ers.

“Fifteen dollars?!?! Are you fucking serious?”

Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck! I thought to myself.

“Ugh, fine, fine, take the money.”

The cashier continued to give me an odd look. I was almost expecting him to say “What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?” like Gary Coleman on Diff’rent Strokes. That’s the kind of stupid freaking look he gave me.

“Here’s your change.”
“Thanks.”

I ran out of there like Mexican running across the border. With more people staring at me, I ran like crazy up that steep hill on the sidewalk of Pacific Coast Highway, with my small shirt, purple boxers, and my large paper bag. I went up the stairs, up to the apartment door, opening it with a fast seamless motion, and finally reaching the living room with my mom watching me come in.

Panting, I told her: “I…got…the stuff.”
“Oh honey; that’s great. But guess what? I found some cleaner after all! Thanks again though!”

I dropped the bag on the floor, awestruck. With the bottles of cleaner rolling on the floor, I got down on the floor, in a fetal position, in shame of myself.

“Wow, just wow,” I kept repeating to myself.

I let the world fade from me as I was stayed on the floor, just letting it float away, far away, to a world where there would be no more random pee messes, no more embarrassing moments, and no more carpet cleaner adventures.

[HypnoToad]

Nice, very good short story, makes me think of John Updike with no exploitation of females. Even though you probably didn't intend to, but you can interpret this piece in many different ways. This is a really amazing piece, you should try and get it published.

[BabyGrizzy]

...lolwut? "I ran out of there like Mexican running across the border." Love it.

[Asher]

Thanks guys; I appreciate it

[Laram]

Funny. ^.^

[Jasons989]

Gotta say i was vary shocked that that was it. I just lost ten min of my life that ill never get back.

[Lil Snap]

bra-VO *claps loudly*

well done!