You Know What's Crap?
Just get a chop saw with a cut-off wheel and stick that thing on your kitchen counter next to all those pretentious kitchen gadgets. It doesn't have to be the first thing you turn to, but then you'll have a way to exact revenge on the cans that won't open properly.
Plus the chef should always have a perfectly vertical line of soup-spray down his front.
(All our can openers suck too, by the way.)
Swiss Army knife. Every man has one. Just sayin'
You know what's worse than can-openers though?
Un-opened cans. :P
But sure, I understand your frustration. I use to use one of those mechanical ones that grip the top and you spin the dial to turn the blades, but it was very frustrating. I now use a very simple sharp metal tool that uses a simple back-and-forth action with your thumb. It's a lot easier.