Feeling Lonely, need to get some stuff out
by, 09-Jan-2015 at 03:16 (378 Views)
Sorry I'm not feeling my usual chipper self today. I just have been feeling really lonely lately. This is, speaking in terms of my family. Now, I am lucky that my family is doing well and we are all healthy. For that I am thankful. I just feel that lately my emotional needs are not being met. I know that might come across as selfish and I know there are a lot of people that have bigger things to worry about, but I just... want to feel more loved lately.
I guess I should explain. This isn't something I enjoy talking about but I feel like I'm ready to tell you guys about it. This struggle started when I was very young. My mother was never one to stick around for very long. I always remember her being gone sometimes or leaving and not coming back for a while. She was never the one to read bedtime stories to me or fix my hair for school. Long story short, when I was around seven she up and left without reason. Maybe she wanted to be free, maybe drugs were more important to her than us, I suppose I will never know. I haven't seen her since then. She has called my house once in when I was in middle school and spit apologies at me, saying she was sorry for everything and she wanted to know how I was doing and she promised to call me every day. Of course that didn't happen. Just a couple of days later and the calls stopped, she didn't call anymore after that. It made me sick. It still makes me sick. I don't know where she is or what she is doing.
Every time I feel like I can forgive her I look at my little sister who she did so much damage to and it makes my blood start to boil again. I might be able to let go what she did to me, but how can I possibly forgive all that she has put my family through? After all of that, plus making my grandmother pay for college classes that she didn't even finish and the stress she put my granny through, I can't help but be confused.
After she left, my dad was a husk. He didn't have tickle fights anymore. He didn't hug me or pick me up or cook me breakfast anymore. My telling him goodnight and I love him every night was met with silence. I stuck with him and after much coaxing he eventually opened up to my sister and me. He had been very sickly and weak, and only in the last couple of years has he been really healthy again. During the time I needed him most in my life, he was absent. I was very upset about this as a kid and I cried a lot, but I grew to understand it and I don't have any hard feelings against him for it. I know he was dealing with a lot in addition to severe anxiety and insomnia at the time.
I can get over all of that. There are definitely people who had a rougher childhood than I did, I'm sure. We still lived with my dad's parents at that time, so I always had food and clothes and a place to sleep, and even people around me albeit not the two that I wanted most. The thing that gets me now is how much he fights me. I don't mean physically or anything, he just teases me. The playful teasing is ok, but he just disagrees with me over everything and won't accept my side of things. He makes fun of things that I do and when I work hard to do something, he usual brushes it off as if it was nothing and I've wasted my time. This hurts my feelings.
What hurts my feelings the most is that he never says I love you. He responds if I tell him I love him, and I know he loves me. I just want to hear it from him, without me trying to get it out of him first. I want him to say that he's proud of me. I just want him to act like my dad and not some roommate.
Sorry for the bunch of ranting. Maybe it seems silly, but I've just felt really down about all of this lately and this is a place I feel safe expressing my feelings.
Thanks for listening,