Just writing down my thoughts.
by, 31-Dec-2014 at 02:24 (1182 Views)
The following post is strictly intended for therapy purpose. It is not aimed at any one person (except me) and it is not for story telling purposes. Therefor be forewarned and stop reading at this point, because the purpose of this blog is a personal rant to vent venom for my mind and see if this will help me ground like I have done on several other blogs in the past.
I obviously need to schedule an appointment with my therapist, but the earliest I can get is 6 weeks from now if I am lucky. However I am fairly sure what see will tell me because I have been here before.
I have been having some financial difficulties for the last 5 weeks and I know that it will straighten out by April, but it is just the interim that is difficult. So I have to work on my grounding. Then there is the Joyous time of year were we should all make happy and be thankful for all that we have. I do, but then there is the other life sucking vermin that live near me that I have to deal with.
It is times like this that I seriously wish I could move back to the Reservation and live a very simple life. The ironic thing is the last class at my "mindful eating" group therapy covered this very topic. You should embrace a "simple life style" and only live on or with things that are as close to natural as possible. This is all well and good, but what do you do with the other people that live around you and will not give up the "stuff".
So I simple work one day at a time and deal with life the best I can. However there is all of the things and people around you to remind you constantly of how much your life sucks at the moment.
I was having a lot of problems coming into the holidays. I knew it was going to be ruff and planned and prepared for it. Just like I have been told in therapy several times. As anyone knows the best laid plans fall apart faster then you can fix them.
We had the solar panels installed along with the electrical up grades that went with it. That meant one day with no electricity and everyone whining because their electric "Stuff" would not work. Then for fun and giggles the power went out because of the weather for several hours not once but three times.
Then after all of the activities wound down it was time to get ready for the holidays. The financial issues came to bear and this just added more stress. But needless to say I made it through it with a lot of work.
So as the days move on I have been doing my daily duties/ keeping the house work caught up and attempting to keep the kids entertained during the break.
This has been a fairly busy time but not a productive time.
I have been working on my grounding/coping mechanisms and just taking it one step at a time.
However no matter how hard one works at this the stress just adds up and it gets me down.
So I come here to the forums and look around, pm some people, post visitor messages and just try to escape from the stress of life.
Some times there is something to read, some times there is stuff to respond to. Unfortunately I get so involved here that I start to get my hopes up. I thought I had posted several good response's and was hoping for some rep points so I do not have to worry about being down graded (as if it matters, but this is a whole other discussion entirely). But instead I got a neutral rep about my greeting style.
This was a major blow to me and why I am typing this blog tonight.
I have several areas of concern for myself and I struggle with this here and in real life. I have a very hard time "reading people" or Situations and able to figure out boundaries very fast. So I have a tendency to start talking to people and not see that they want to leave or are uncomfortable with the situations. The other side of the coin I get into situations where I am left standing alone because I do not know people or the situation is moving to fast for me to process and stay composed.
This is one thing that I have come to understand here and attempt to apply in ways to better myself.
So I have taken up being a greeter.
When I joined I had one person that simply said "welcome to the group" to me and that was it. I became very busy reading a lot of threads to gain understanding of the whole ABDL thing. In the process gained my established contributor and became an active member of the group.
Things have changed, yet again they have not. Things go through cycles and things just happen. However in the mean time I noticed that in the introductions there are some that get answered with in minutes and others that go for up to a day with out a response. So I took it upon myself to never let anyone go for more then a day without a greeting.
Zipperless and I became quite a team last year. We PM each other and agreed that he said hello at the door and I went through an talked to the people that stand in the corners. So my style was born.
I do have a "template" style of response that I use. On a few occasions there is newbies that follow the introduction template and give a lot of information. Most of the rest talk about there diaper life, and a few just say HI.
I had gotten some advice form Lobie (turns out that Zip got the same advice), and I have come to the way I greet people.
It just hurt so much today to be told in a neutral rep that I appear to be insincere with my greetings.
I do not think is an accurate description of my style.
I have had some that I have greeted very flatly and reported them to the modes because something did not look right. I have had others that I could see they were not sure what to say and the greeting style that I use encourages them give a little bit more information and thus also gain another post towards there EC.
The only ones that I have given me any "feedback" are the three people here that I do not read their post because of the negative argumentative attitudes that is used in other forums that these individuals post. As matter of fact I do not remember seeing them post anything for the last few months . This is besides the point.
I am here tonight to let lose of some of the emotional garbage that I have been fighting with for the last month and once again this technique has helped.
I do not know why I grab on to the insignificant things and dwell on them, but I do.
I do not know why the constructive criticism of a neutral post effect me the way they do, but they do and I need to loosen up.
But it was just that one last thing that made me have to stop what I am doing and use another coping mechanism to rid myself of worthless thoughts and move on to a better time.
Sorry for my rant. But what the hay, YOU WHERE WARNED