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SnowPrincessSophie

The Closet Sucks

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And I wish I could come out of it, I really do, but the judgmental eye of society is watching that door like a hawk making sure no one like me ever comes out to disrupt the social status quo. Can't have the public knowing people like me exist now can they? It's sad because Society should be able to accept people with differences as radical as mine and treat them with the same respect they show any other person who lacks the same radical differences I have. This Limits my options of who I can talk to.

This isn't just about regression, gender, and incontinence anymore. I'm an emotionally delicate girl. Having been traumatized by constant yelling and any sort of voice raising being a primary trigger for anxiety, distress, and depression. We've already established that. This about a traumatized soul in a body that is not mine. A soul in a body that possesses mental and physical capabilities that I just simply wasn't supposed to have. Whether the trauma created this or it was there from day 1 and just needed a trigger I still don't know for sure. I wish I could talk to a professional about my unique feelings but BIID isn't widely known or understood. Hell, It isn't even included in the DSM and may not see inclusion in the inevitable DSM VI in 2018 or 2020, or whenever that may be.

I may very well be the only case of my kind. I don't know of any BIID sufferers who have the same mental and neurological impairments that my body map has clearly laid out for me. I love my limbs, I'm not supposed to be paralyzed. My soul just sees itself on the same level as anyone affected by conditions similar to moderate to borderline profound Autism. I still want to be able to play, and maintain my intelligence and do some things I can still do today. I just need help, 24/7 care, or as close to 24/7 as I can get. The unique thing is I can easily just act this all out and can probably just balance this all out with a fully functioning double life. The central point is I was never supposed to have the mental capacity required to potty train. This point can be easily integrated into the independent adult side of my double life. My brains knows what shouldn't have happened, my soul knows, but my body didn't quite get the message. I am a moderately mentally disabled incontinent female in the body of a mentally disabled but high functioning and only partially incontinent male.

The thing is, I don't wanna be cured. I just want to better understand why I feel the way I do. But when BIID doesn't have standards of care, let alone a formal classification in the DSM, my options are sorely limited. I guess at this point all I really need is more understanding and supportive people to talk to.

I don't want to stay in the closet, it's dark and cramped in there. I want to be able to roam free outside and live my life just like everyone else.

But the closet door may not be safe to open for a while yet.

And it sucks.
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  1. gigglemuffinz's Avatar
    I mentioned this to you on Skype, but you do deserve a reply. <3

    First of all, if there was a way I could genuinely experience the same things you could, I would. I really can empathize though, because although I don't share the same feelings you do.. there was a time I honestly felt pretty close to the place where you are. I just sort of decided those feelings weren't me after a while.

    I think it's important to remember that no matter what, there is someone out there that shares quite a few of the same things that you do, and maybe just a few things. We both like being princesses right? Sometimes there is more people who like the same things like that.. (I mean who doesn't like being a princess.) But I can promise you that out there, for every individual feeling that you've had there has been another person who has felt the same way. You aren't the first, nor will you be the last person to experience any one specific thing. You might not have met them yet, but they are out there.

    For now I think it's important to remember all the things you do share with others, and to embrace the unique combination of a person that you are. No one is 100% Angel or a 100% Lily other then us. Someone can get close. I bet there is people who seem like 60-70% Angel, but there never will be completely another you. So in the end, if you constantly think about what makes you different you'll never be satisfied. We will never meet another person who feels the EXACT same way as us. That's beautiful though!

    "If everybody was the same, how boring life would be. How glad I am that I'm like me and she's like she! She's so extraordinary, like a breath of fresh air.." yes you Lily! You are! Embrace your amazing heart, and never stop looking for people who understand you and respect you. You'll never be alone when you are with people who give you that precious gift of friendship. <3
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