Realisations and foregone conclusions
by, 11-Oct-2014 at 16:46 (616 Views)
I used to keep a diary of all things that happened to me on a daily basis. I found it in my trunk when I first arrived in Australia. I hadn't put it there, and the only other person who knew the combination to the lock on my bag was my dad. I planned to leave it behind on my bed so they would find it when they cleaned out my room, read it, and maybe understand why I needed to move away. But I couldn't find it the morning I said goodbye, so I decided to just leave, and explain everything over the phone once I'd settled down.
I'm in my new room, I open the trunk, and my diary is on top of my clothes. I skim through to the last entry and there's a message from my dad (his cursive tends to stand out when you put it next to my handwriting, which looks what you'd get if you gave a bunch of pencils to a three year old and got him to throw them at a page). It wasn't a message, just the one word really. 'Sorry'. He'd probably said it to me before, but knowing that he'd read everything I'd written and, even if he didn't agree with my pubescent reasoning, felt obliged to recognise my point of view, was a huge thing for me. So I proceeded to make the worst first impression ever by spending my first day in Australia locked in my room crying, while my housemate wondered what sort of crazy person he'd invited into his home.
The whole above section isn't really relevant to what I'm going to write now, other than the fact that I'm going to try to write in the same way I did in that diary. So minus the pretentious, flowery vocabulary that I have these days (apologies to fans of pretentious, flowery vocabularies).
Yesterday was my birthday. I don't know what I was expecting but I wasn't expecting nothing. Maybe everyone was just too busy to mention it. I make friends all the time but I can't keep them. Things that happened to me back in England make me push people away when I feel like they're getting too close, and I know I shouldn't let the past impact my future but if you've gone through anything rough you'll know that's easy to say and fucking hard to do. I had a good thing going here and then I got scared, got mean, whatever. I made some great friends here and I'll always care about them, but I need to realise that I can't count on them after how I've acted. Again, it's my fault not theirs.
Now, since I don't think I could look at myself in the mirror any more if I filled the tag box with things like #sad and #toughenupprincess I guess I'll just list colours.