Reflection exactly 1 year to the day
by, 07-Oct-2014 at 03:42 (591 Views)
It has been exactly one year to the day that I found out that I was a DL. I was sitting in the same chair I am in right now having a binge episode wondering what was "wrong" with me when it hit me that I had access to the internet and I decided to at least get a name to what was "wrong" with me before I died. Well I received quite the shock when I found out what that not only was I not alone but that there was a whole community out there that was into this. As if that shock where not enough I found out that being AB/DL was a part of who and what I was. It was not going to stop and it was not going to go away whether or not even if I myself wanted this to go away or not. I was in such a state of shock that I numbly made this account here on ADISC and I could not even get back online for another 2 days to even introduce myself.
Since then I have found out how to accept myself and even to finally develop this side of me in ways that I never could imagine myself doing. When I first found ADISC I did not even have a name or definition on why I liked diapers and if it was not for the fact that I simply never even had the opportunity to hate myself I would have. I never did hate myself for being a diaper lover but I did come as close as you could get to doing that without that being the case. The only reason why I never got the opportunity to hate myself was more due to me dealing with lots of mental health issues and the trauma that came with being emotionally abused by my own family as well as chronic homelessness. I was so distracted from simply surviving that I had no time to even hate myself. Since then I have discovered I was AB and that I never tried to regress before in my life because I simply never had enough mental capacity (and privacy) to even think about doing so in the first place until coming to ADISC. Then to make things worse only 6 months into this self discovery I find out the "hard" way (thank god I was wearing a diaper for convenience when it happened) that I had fecal incontinence in front of dozens of people at a shopping Mall.
I still don't know what it is that is making me IC (apparently I am seeing a GI doctor finally next month) because my referral got lost and I never found out until August that I had to demand to get a appointment. You see I told my primary doctor in March that I was dealing with IC issues and that I was a AB/DL as well. I told her that I was not comfortable with doing this because I am on medicare and medicaid. I told my doctor I am not blind to the fact that is sure looks rather convenient for me to get free diapers essentially in this particular situation. I am still not comfortable with the notion that I have a legitimate medical need now to wear diapers because I was conditioned from childhood to hate freeloaders and now here I am with 6 different types of mental health issues that I have been diagnosed with while collecting disability benefits. I am no longer angry with myself or even with those who took advantage of me in the past which shows how well I can control my emotions. I have since been forced to refuse contact with my own family since they refuse to even try to understand what was done to me was wrong.
There have been good things that have happened as well though. I am finally getting treatment for these issues and the worst is behind me as well. Also this year marks more personal growth in me then all 36 previous years of my life combined! I have made friends and supported them on this site and helped them deal with some of their troubles. All in all I might be living in a nightmare right now but I am equal to the challenges before me and I am actually quite content and happy as odd as it sounds!