Drowning in Depression
by, 02-Sep-2014 at 19:13 (646 Views)
I don't know where to go. Or who to go to. Who to talk to.
The only help I can get from anyone, other than my family, is words. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. It's just that I need more than words. If it wasn't for my parents still supporting my financially, I would be homeless. Maybe even dead.
Today I turn 22. This is the first birthday in around 5 years that I'm actually not working. It's still not any happier than the other 4 or so birthdays.
It's great that I have a place to stay that I don't have to pay for. It's great that my parents pay for so much for me.
But I hate living here. I hate not being able to truly be alone. I'm not even slightly comfortable with them knowing what I am doing. What music I listen to. What video games I play. What movies I watch. Etc. When I get the house to myself for awhile, I get excited. I feel better, happier. I can let loose a little.
I feel trapped. I feel and believe I have to hold everything inside. I censor myself around everyone. I almost never talk to anyone about my likes...hobbies, etc. When I was a teenager I didn't tell anyone about anything I did or liked that I thought my parents might not approve of because I was afraid that if I did, my parents might find out somehow. So I never tried to make friends.
I've spent so much of my life alone, trying to get lost in fantasy (mostly video games). I've learned so very little (received a poor education). I have so little experience in life in general. I feel helpless, clueless, useless.
I don't believe I could survive on my own, but I want so badly to pack my things and leave right now and live on my own.
Whenever I have to drive somewhere for something, I feel so much better while I am driving away from my house. Happy, excited maybe. When I am driving back, I become tired, depressed, and feel bad again. This place feels like a prison. I am 12 miles away from the nearest town, and 30 miles away from a city with tons college students. I don't have a car of my own or money for gas.
Growing up as a kid, I never believed I was a normal, and I always wanted to be normal. But I was too afraid to do anything to change that. My entire life I have been controlled by fear.
I've always wanted to be someone else. There are things about me that I hate and want to change. But it seems impossible.
Why am I writing all of this? Because birthdays are no longer happy for me, and they haven't been for many years. I don't care whether or not anyone wishes me a happy birthday. I don't don't understand why people like them. In my entire life, I have only had one birthday party with other kids. All other times it was just me and my family, with cake and some presents, after dinner.