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Sarevok

Drowning in Depression

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I don't know where to go. Or who to go to. Who to talk to.

The only help I can get from anyone, other than my family, is words. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. It's just that I need more than words. If it wasn't for my parents still supporting my financially, I would be homeless. Maybe even dead.

Today I turn 22. This is the first birthday in around 5 years that I'm actually not working. It's still not any happier than the other 4 or so birthdays.

It's great that I have a place to stay that I don't have to pay for. It's great that my parents pay for so much for me.

But I hate living here. I hate not being able to truly be alone. I'm not even slightly comfortable with them knowing what I am doing. What music I listen to. What video games I play. What movies I watch. Etc. When I get the house to myself for awhile, I get excited. I feel better, happier. I can let loose a little.

I feel trapped. I feel and believe I have to hold everything inside. I censor myself around everyone. I almost never talk to anyone about my likes...hobbies, etc. When I was a teenager I didn't tell anyone about anything I did or liked that I thought my parents might not approve of because I was afraid that if I did, my parents might find out somehow. So I never tried to make friends.

I've spent so much of my life alone, trying to get lost in fantasy (mostly video games). I've learned so very little (received a poor education). I have so little experience in life in general. I feel helpless, clueless, useless.

I don't believe I could survive on my own, but I want so badly to pack my things and leave right now and live on my own.

Whenever I have to drive somewhere for something, I feel so much better while I am driving away from my house. Happy, excited maybe. When I am driving back, I become tired, depressed, and feel bad again. This place feels like a prison. I am 12 miles away from the nearest town, and 30 miles away from a city with tons college students. I don't have a car of my own or money for gas.

Growing up as a kid, I never believed I was a normal, and I always wanted to be normal. But I was too afraid to do anything to change that. My entire life I have been controlled by fear.

I've always wanted to be someone else. There are things about me that I hate and want to change. But it seems impossible.

Why am I writing all of this? Because birthdays are no longer happy for me, and they haven't been for many years. I don't care whether or not anyone wishes me a happy birthday. I don't don't understand why people like them. In my entire life, I have only had one birthday party with other kids. All other times it was just me and my family, with cake and some presents, after dinner.

Updated 02-Sep-2014 at 22:53 by Sarevok

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  1. KimbaStarshine's Avatar
    Damn... This sounds familiar. Even the birthday party thing. I'm pretty sure the only party I ever had with other kids who weren't related to me was my 7th.

    My home also feels like a semi-comfortable trap. I have food, clothing, and a roof over my head, thanks to my father, but not much else. My physical needs are met, but my emotional state is terrible. I have to keep myself from having breakdowns in front of my parents. I don't tell them stuff because I fear their reaction. Last year I met my best friend online, and I want him to come visit me in person. But I'm simply too scared to tell my parents of his existence.

    I know little will change if I don't do something about it, but I feel like I can't.
  2. Avalanche's Avatar
    Sarevok, this hurts to read. I hope it will get at least a little bit better soon. But I don't have any solution or advice and I don't know how to deal with depression.

    Just one idea. Not a quick fix, but rather a long term big picture kind of idea. You are excited about playing video games and you are not happy with your (lack of) education and current job. Would you be excited about understanding how video games work in the background, how they are produced? I mean, programming. Unlike many other professions, formal education (Harvard, Oxbridge and stuff) matters less in programming (what you can actually do matters much more), partly because it changes and develops so fast.

    There are free online courses and tutorials on the internet. You can try some, maybe you will find that interesting, maybe not, but it costs nothing to try (just time, which you can get by temporarily reducing your playing time). Admittedly, some natural preconditions matter, I mean talent, e.g. being good with logic and numbers helps; but don't let that discourage you if you're not - there are many programmers who totally suck at maths and the maths in most programs is actually basic operations (+-*/). Furthermore, you don't need to be the best programmer, you can even be a very below average programmer and you can still make some extra income and improve your living situation.

    It's unlikely that you'll be the next guy creating a bestselling game and making millions, but after a few months of learning you should get some basic skills that people are willing to pay for, like writing simple scripts or creating simple websites. Website design is probably easier/faster to start making money than games development, because there are more people needing those skills, e.g. local small businesses, and it's easier to start as a freelancer, as opposed to being employed by some game dev company, if you have no formal credentials (IT students often do freelance webdesign as their student jobs). You can take it easy and set realistic goals, like after 3-6 months of learning start doing one paid project every month, making several hundred dollars (be conservative, as this will be a part time venture, at least in the beginning).

    I won't go into further details, because I don't know you much, so I don't know if you would even consider something like this. But feel free to PM me for some more directions. I've just mentioned programming, because that is partly what I do and what I'm familiar with (and I don't have a formal degree in IT). For you it might not be programming, but something else (maybe something with music, as I remember from one of your other threads). The key is to think of something that you are interested in and something you can be good at; and then dedicate some regular time to working on getting better at that thing. Sooner or later, you will find ways to make money if you are really good at something. And besides money, it can bring a sort of overall direction or purpose to your life, which can help reduce the feeling of helplessness and being trapped.

    It is a cliche that your life won't change for the better just by waiting. If you want different results, you must do some things differently, or try doing entirely different things. I know it's easier said than done, but it's true. And don't be afraid to fail (or in better words, don't be afraid to to try things that turn out to not work).

    By the way, I'm not that excited about birthdays either (and christmas - except the food - and new year and the likes). It seems that the times when you're supposed to be happy and celebrate are exactly the times when many people feel bad and even depressed.
  3. Sarevok's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Avalanche
    I won't go into further details, because I don't know you much, so I don't know if you would even consider something like this. But feel free to PM me for some more directions. I've just mentioned programming, because that is partly what I do and what I'm familiar with (and I don't have a formal degree in IT). For you it might not be programming, but something else (maybe something with music, as I remember from one of your other threads). The key is to think of something that you are interested in and something you can be good at; and then dedicate some regular time to working on getting better at that thing. Sooner or later, you will find ways to make money if you are really good at something. And besides money, it can bring a sort of overall direction or purpose to your life, which can help reduce the feeling of helplessness and being trapped.
    Funny you mention programming... I've been interested in programming since I was 11/12. I messed around with Visual Basic at that age. Through the years I've tried to learn different languages. I've done some web programming as well and even had my own site for a few years.

    I have very poor cognition due to my depression (I assume). I have tons of symptoms mentally and physically. I have poor concentration and memory and learn very slowly. I also forget fairly easily.

    I've tried multiple medications, therapy, and life style changes, but nothing/no combination has a significant enough effect.

    That's why I keep thinking about leaving. That's why I keep wishing I was close to a college town. That's why I wish I could somehow have my own house/apartment even without a job. I suppose that's very selfish, but I just wish I could live on my own and be a short drive/bicycle ride/walk from someplace where I could meet lots of different people/socialize and make friends. I just wonder if that would help me a lot.
  4. Avalanche's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Sarevok
    Funny you mention programming...
    You know, from what you've written here and in your profile, you seem to be the kind of guy who could enjoy it and who could be good at it.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarevok
    ... and even had my own site for a few years
    What was the website about? Just curious. Why did you abandon it?



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarevok
    I have very poor cognition due to my depression (I assume). I have tons of symptoms mentally and physically. I have poor concentration and memory and learn very slowly. I also forget fairly easily.
    But you do learn, right? At least you've learnt the written English language better than 90% natives.

    I might be a little mean now. It is ok to acknowledge your weaknesses and disadvantages, but don't use them as an excuse for giving up on your life. Some things might be harder for you than for some other people, but harder =/= impossible. World is not fair. You could have been one of those rich kids who get everything (like own house and car) from their parents without ever working for it. But you could as well have been born in Africa in the middle of a civil war or with HIV and you would have been dead long before your 22nd birthday (I'd even say the odds are higher on this one).

    My brother had been diagnosed with some kind of learning/attention disorder (there were some complications when he was born) and at age 10 a psychologist told our parents he was not fit for secondary school and should go do some unqualified job. He's doing PhD now. Some things (like languages) might take a bit more work for him, but he didn't let that stop him. And don't get me wrong, he was never that kind of ultra hard working kid. Just a normal guy, but he believed in himself more than in what a psychologist had said.

    Personally, I am not good with people and with going out there and promoting myself. Everytime I have to go in front of some stranger and talk about how amazing I am and how they definitely need to hire me or buy what I have created, I feel stupid and inadequate. I hate doing it. It always makes me extremely tired. I know that doing business I will never achieve the same level of success as some other people, because these things just take more effort to me. But I also know that if I don't do the stupid marketing, I will soon be homeless, or perhaps I will have to go back and live with my mom again (she's nice and wouldn't let me be homeless).

    I'm sorry if I sound insensitive to your issues, which are real. I have no idea what a real depression is. But I can't help it, over your writing you seem like quite a bright guy to me.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarevok
    That's why I keep thinking about leaving.
    Go Nike. Just do it. If there is one thing that could help with your depression and current feelings, this is it. What is the worst case scenario? Probably going bankrupt and going back to your parents' house, which is where you are now.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarevok
    That's why I keep wishing I was close to a college town.
    The good thing about college towns is that they are very suitable to young people with no money and no qualifications. Cheap accommodation and plenty of student jobs. Unless you have disastrous work ethic (which obviously you don't), there is no way you won't be able to make a simple living in a shared accommodation (sucks, but for the start...) in a college town.

    You could also try it halfway at first, go to some college town during the week and back to your parents' place over the weekend. It can be easier for the transition, not just financially, but also emotionally.

    I can only wish you luck. And courage to make the first step. It seems you have already done a lot of thinking. Now it's time to take some action.

    I hope you won't hate me now. This is just how I feel about it.
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