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Autism, Cerebral Palsy, and being an "Adult Baby"...#126

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With being an older Autistic adult comes having
to deal with comorbid Unipolar DEpression. The
"normal" mood state for me os a sense of always
feeling that everything I do in life is "in-
correct". Part of this is the neurotransmitter
chemical imbalance in my own Cerebral Cortex, and
the other part is how I was "socialized" to the
wotld in a profoundly maladaptive way by my Mom
who was profoundly mentally-ill. According to her,
"I never did anything correctly". I do remember
that I could not even shall I say, "use the Potty
Chair" the way she wanted. Everything was a battle
between the 2 of us. From my own older adult's
perspective, trying to "please her" was the only
social function I served in her life. My own very
individual wants and needs emotionally and social-
ally seemed "of no concern or consequence for her".
I admit to having the insight that I was just an
object, such as a small child's "stuffed toy or
doll". In real life, a stuffed toy or doll is used
by a child, and then "dropped/discarded" when a
child finds "another toy to play with". This is
how I personally feel about my life. I am, and have
always been "somebody else's doll" to be "played
with" and "discarded" when no longer "useful". It
is very much these feelings, which have led me into
becoming an Adult Baby. I only feel "safe and whole
cognitiveely and emotionally" when "regressed" back
to infancy. It seems, that the only time I felt
"safe and loved" was as an infant, not as a child,
teenager or as an adult. I am "missing" a childhood
I never experienced, because my "real" childhood was
constantly being "disrupted" by my having to "be an
adult" and "function" as a "Mental Hospital Back-Ward
Orderly" to my deranged Mother. There were all the
happy times being around my Father, but mostly, my
childhood and most of my adult life were "consumed" by
my having to simply say, "to Hell with my own needs" as
an Autistic Mental Retard with Mild Cerebral Palsy,
simply to "physically survive" to being the age I am
now, where I am a "Senior Citizen", and only since the
passing of my Father, whom my Mother and her profound
mental-illness "destroyed". I also feel deep sadness
regarding how my deranged Mother also destroyed my only
living younger brother's life too. I will admit to my
living a life of sadness and withdrawal from the world.
LIfe has always been harsh and cruel to me, yet I still
ehdure. I learned to accept life as it has been, not
what I have wished it to be. One can only live in
"reality", not "fantasy". Anyway, it is for the most-
part, the "pills" keeping me from sinking too deep with
respect to my ongoing Unipolar Depression.

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