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The Fight I Had With Myself Once

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Originally shared on FetLife, this is just the dialogue version.

"No, that's not true. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!"

~ Luke Skywalker after Darth Vader revealed that he was Luke's father.

Whoops, spoiler alert!

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That was my first reaction, a gut punch if I ever had one, when I first saw an image of an adult baby. I forget where, I just know that it hit me somewhere deep inside. Part of me was instantly intrigued and repulsed at the same time, and down, down, down I stuffed any thought of indulgence. I even did the math. Well, I CAN'T be into this because I never really had a fetish for diapers when I was growing up! A-ha! So, if I don't have a thing for diapers I cannot be an adult baby.

But you DO have a thing for diapers, when your ex put you in one when you were 22 you loved it, and you've worn off and on ever since.


You've also been wetting your pants since you were 5. On purpose.

Yeah but that doesn't mean I want to be a baby or a toddler NOW.

Mmm-hmmm. What about your blankie?

What about it?

40-year-old gay men don't have woobies, they have afghans, and they clean them at least once a month.


You can't sleep without that ratty thing. You've had it for 20 years. Mom and Dad took away the one from your childhood when you were 12 and you re-attached to this one. Don't you think that's rather "little" of you?

Maybe, but it doesn't-

Has there ever been a point in your life where you didn't like toys, kids' movies and music, cartoons, or other forms of entertainment geared at children?

C'mon, lots of people-

Or how at family gatherings and birthday parties you're often the most immature and playful person there?

But you're twisting that-

You wear overalls and you don't work on a farm.

But that's not unusual at-

You never wanted to grow up. Ever. You even said it a million times. "Adults are already dead inside.", "Who dragged your imagination out into the street and shot it in the face" and a dozen other quippy sayings directed at people who look down on you for being immature. Stop fucking fighting it!

HEY, don't curse, you're my inner child.

Yes, and you've been ignoring me while teasing me at the same time. Pretending to be this cynical, grim adult because it's oh so "metal". Just stop it, you giant man-child. You love diapers, stop fronting. You love toddlerish clothing. You love your woobie and your stuffies and being TREATED like a little kid, always have. Your grimness comes from your sense of lost youth and getting older and your fear of dying. Your sorrow comes from feeling like your childhood went by way too fast and you lament that it can never come back. DUDE, I HAVE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME WAITING FOR YOU.

..... I haven't been very good to you.

I know. But it's never too late to start.

I'm afraid. You remember coming out of the closet and how scary that was. What if people find out? Being gay is one thing but this... people think adult babies are freaks.

Fuck 'em.

I don't know...

You don't have to announce it to the world, but your husband should know, at least. You should explore. Don't let fear stop you from learning about yourself. There's this thing called the internet...

Yeah, I've seen the websites, and while I like some of that this isn't about the sexual stuff.

More excuses?

Okay, okay... I got it. Are you sure?

Have I ever lied to you or steered you wrong? I was you once, long ago, before the burdens of growing up were thrust upon you. Before having an image meant more than anything else. Trust me. Let me in. It's really cold out here.

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