by, 19-Jul-2014 at 00:20 (378 Views)
I suffered depression for years, controlled by taking Zoloft tablets daily. It wasn't "severe", just enough to alter my mood.
With me, I didn't get so much depressed, (see suicidal, crying feelings-of-hopelessness depressed) rather a feeling of complete disinterest, and above all ANGER!
Everything and everybody pissed me off. All I wanted to do was argue with everybody, and if the chance arose, to just rip into people and tear them down. I loved putting people back in their place, and to hell with their feelings.
I quit a couple of jobs on the spot, because the boss "needed to know" he was a dick!
I got into fights with strangers, (and I mean fights) where I took it out on them and left them hurt. I'm not talking about picking on little guys either. I'm 6"2, and I would pick on guys bigger than me. There was nothing better than knocking the shit out of a big guy.
Also my drinking increased. I've always been a heavy drinker, but I was really giving it a nudge.
This went on for years, until I was diagnosed and started taking the medication. I still remember the first one. It was a Saturday morning, and within an hour of taking this magic pill I felt better! Not happy, but calm and relaxed for a change.
About 4 years ago I ran out of pills, and needed a new prescription. I put of going to the doctors for a few days, and the feelings never returned! For the last 4 or so years I have been fine. No fights, feeling positive, drinking less, life has been good.
Now all of a sudden, for no reason, this week the old me is trying to re-emerge. I've been feeling down and angry all week, and the urge to drink, really drink, is there. I've argued with my best mate, as well as another member if the sporting club we both belong to.
I've pulled out of playing sport as a result, and was within a breath of walking out on my job twice this week.
What people don't get, is when you feel this way, recognising it but caring enough to fix it are 2 different things entirely.
At least when I feel angry, I'm feeling something. It beats just feeling hollow and disinterested all the time.
I know I should go back to the doctors and start the meds again, but would prefer not to. I just hope it clears up and goes away again like last time.