by, 23-Jun-2014 at 06:01 (261 Views)
I did some heavy thinking tonight.
And I kinda realized, that for me, sex became the test of "being man enough", and being man enough was the exam of "being loveable". And I failed these tests and exams too many times, so now I don't even feel comfortable with being a man anymore, I hate myself for being unwanted, for failing other people's expectations all the time, I can't even enjoy sex properly anymore, because it makes me stressed out and terrified of the punishment, the punishment of being alone for the rest of my life, and that is just sick. I have reached the conclusion, that in almost every field of my life, I have extremely high and irrational expectations towards myself, because no matter how hard I try, I am not satisfied with the achievements I make. And I know that I have to get these results and throw them away, be the teacher I've never had, so I can have a healthy relationship with my own body and sexuality and women and with my friends. I dunno how that should feel like, since being happy standard for me, it never was, especially without other people to make me happy. What really important is for me to make myself comfortable around other people and be "myself" regardless of what they say, and be ok with myself even if I'm more sensitive than the most of them and they are looking for "a real man" (a role I always hated, since it is a measurement of being loveable).
By the way, I work like 4-5 times a week (14 hour shifts) and barely have enough time to sleep in a place without privacy, hot water and electricity, but with a lots of cat hair and bedbugs, so yaaaay! :)
What else? I became a fan of the pony: Trixie, from MLP: FiM, I have made some tribute videos about her and will get a plushie as soon as I'll have the money. I know, that she is very insecure on the inside and could use a few friends, despite of what she shows to others, and I don't really like it, that she is always presented in a negative light, but hopefully things will change for her, for the better. I also found a plushie, a retro Pinkie Pie without a cutie mark and with sparkling material, she was thrown in the garbage with a lots of other toys close to my workplace, I will need to fix her up a little bit, but she'll be okay, I also saved a few other toys, these were important to someone once, I couldn't just leave them there.