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zsofi

Little sis

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Every time I picture my sister, an image of a little girl comes to me. Her age, name and appearance varies, sometimes she's only 7-8 years old, sometimes 9 or 10. I, myself was 9-10 years old, when (after my mother drank herself to death) I called her to life. Since then, she rarely aged in my imagination, mostly she remained a young child. There are some things, that do not change in her. She's always lonely and she's always an orphan. Always meek and kind, but her surrounders treat her quite badly. I often see her getting beaten up or publicly humiliated by others, both grown-ups and kids. She becomes disable to take care of herself, cries a lot, wets the bed regularly, sometimes lies on a hospital bed with a broken arm or partially burnt face. She feels, that the world is disgusted of her, she would need a friend, but everyone sees a victim or a burden in her.

Then, I approach her and hug her. With silent words, I calm her down (sometimes I spend days, floating between dream and reality, trying to find the perfect words), I tell her, that there's nothing she has to be ashamed about in front of me, that I love her like my own biological sister I never had. I read some fairytales to her, she snuggles up next to me, and we sleep. And she will get better, I can feel her love, and how her voice and movements are filled with joy, she becomes more healthy because I took care of her. And we play, without a worry, like two children.

I know, that my imaginary little sister is basically a box, that I use to contain everything, that's dear to me and all my hurts as well from the outside world. I know, that she is the measurement of all my relationships, because I never feel safe enough in a relationship with other persons, especially since the relationships I had, ended badly. I understand, that she is a part of me, that feels vulnerable and alone and alianated from the hostility of the adult world, and yet, I cannot let her play with children of her age, because when people look at me, they see a grown man, and they find any grown up man, who has a powerful drive to emotionally connect with children: crazy and dangerous at least. I love her so much, and I want her to be happy, but I don't know how to make that happen, I tried to take off this grown-up mask for a little while, I was honest about my condition with several friends and they just wanted to avoid the subject, I experienced waves of depression, I imagined to be my sister, so that I can escape from reality, but after a few days or weeks of roleplaying I just found myself on the ground, being empty and powerless, crying, and thinking about death.

And I have very little tolerance for pressure and heavy responsibilities, like fully concentrate to a job, if my life is emotionally unsatisfying, I just find myself wondering off again and again, to make conversations with her, I always project my true feelings into her, like when I'm tired but have to work late, I picture her sleeping somewhere near. Most of my friends find me very negative and troubled and sometimes even anti-social, but they don't know the real me, and they don't really want to, I guess, because that's too much for them. Any ten year old kid would be depressed if he would have to be around grown-ups all the time, who thinks, that there's something wrong with him, just because he wants to play and wants more intimacy than they do. And I'm quite a homeless for a while now, since all the jobs I find pay me badly, now I have a new chance to put aside some money for rent, to rent a room somewhere and have some privacy, but why? Sure, privacy can be good sometimes, but is separation really the thing I need now? How to heal my little sister without real-life friends who actually come together with me and care for her? I know I can't heal myself as long as I think of her as weak and ill and lonely, but making her strong and happy seems impossible if I feel so disconnected and society doesn't see me as someone worthy enough. She's very important to me, but I don't think I ever will be as half as important to someone real.

Updated 14-Jun-2014 at 13:51 by zsofi

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