Accidents of Time and Space
by, 03-Jun-2014 at 02:43 (528 Views)
The yellow banner across the top of my page today says that it is my birthday.
It must be true: students spent the day singing "Happy Birthday" to me, my mother called to wish me the same, and my husband and children did special things for me. It was, all in all, a completely joyful day. But...
There is something, deep within me, that doesn't like birthdays all that much. They are an annual reminder that, as someone once sang, "time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future." And I sit, two years from retirement, staring that future down, wondering what it will be like and whether I'll be able to fly like an eagle once I get there or if I will maybe just crash and burn.
Secret: Before I transitioned, finally, at age forty, I used to think of birthdays in precisely the same way--as stepping stones bringing me closer to the future--and I welcomed them. I wanted life to move more quickly. I wanted to zip right through whatever was left of it, do all that was required of me, and then fade away. But that was then. Now...well, I sort of feel I was cheated out of a whole lot of years that I should have had as me, and each birthday brings me further from the mental picture I still have of myself, a picture constantly reinforced by the hundreds of teenage girls I hang out with every day, I picture that exists only in my mind and not in any reality I ever got to experience.
And then of course there is the AB thing: growing older simply highlights how unlike a baby or a little child I am.
Still, despite all of this (and how morose it might sound here), I hurtle onward through time and space toward whatever my destiny might be, knowing that all we can ever do in like is to play the cards we are dealt. It's like the IC thing: if I had my druthers, I'd choose not to be diaper-dependent. I'd like to wear the cute dress I wore today and not be wondering all day if any lumps were visible anywhere or if anything was leaking and leaving tell-tale stains. I lost a lot of weight last year and am finally able to wear these cute things again, but now, well, I find myself limited. But you know what? It's fine. I am who I am and I am what fate has dictated me to be.
And the yellow banner says that ADISC wishes me a Happy Birthday, so thanks, ADISC. Thanks for the Newbie of the Year thing, too: it was a nice present.