Stuff and such
by, 18-May-2014 at 12:15 (314 Views)
I took some time out from social interactions this last week, just to sorta clear my head. Still went to work, still checked in on a few things, but essentially made myself unavailable and distant. I've been oddly dissatisfied with a lot of things lately, and for most of the last week, I've been trying to look at everything objectively. A lot of what's ben happening in my social life, good and bad, seems to stem from a rather nasty bought of depression I went through for about 7 years. I spent a lot of those years not really doing anything. there were the occasional bright spots, but most of it was pathetic and bleak. I drank a lot, I did a lot of drugs, and I did a lot of dangerously impulsive things, like driving down I-15 at 85 Mph while sitting in the window sill of my Honda and steering with my feet. I did a lot of dumb shit that should have gotten me killed or thrown in jail. I let myself go from being slim and fit to being overweight and unmotivated by anything other than the prospect of another drink or another joint. On the bright side, I've come back to my senses. All that hedonism has given me drive and ambition. I never want to be there again. It's pushed me to take on a much healthier and more social life( well, as social as I ever was, I'm very introverted). The bad news? even though I'm now I better shape than I was before my nasty years, but when I look in the mirror, I still see what I was. Drunk, high, and overweight. I know that I'm not, but I can't shake the image. It makes me want to push people away before they get a chance to know me. Try as I might, my social life is a lot of acquaintances and only a few real friends. I'm more willing to talk and start to get to know people than I was, but I kinda stall out really early. Self reflection, this is getting tougher the longer I go. Looking at my long walks through the woods and hills, as much as I enjoy the exercise, I'm starting to think that it has much more to do with just getting away from people and interactions. I wondered in a different post what I was looking for, I think I was really just trying to run away. Things in my life are going right for the first time in years, and it terrifies me. I hated living in a one room basement flat with a couple of meth heads, but I knew where I stood in life. At the bottom no doubt, but I had a firm grasp on it. Now? I think that I might lose it all at the drop of a hat, and might be trying to unconsciously do it on purpose, sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. My old depression was brought on by a lot of different things, while by no means a bad first 17 years, I had some pretty trying times. All of it snowballed together and came crashing down when I first went off to university. I've dealt with all of that crap, and for the first time in a while, I've been honestly happy. But there's this gnawing uncertainty that keeps coming around. I feel like its just one or two bad days and I'm right back down the hole. Paranoia? Oh yeah. I tell myself I beat this before, I can do it again, but it still scares me. All the soul searching this last week has helped me feel better about some things, but it's made me worried about a few things as well. Outside viewpoints help sometimes, but its hard to discuss a lot of my anxieties face to face with anyone. My poor self image hasn't left yet, and I'm terrified of being judged by others. I don't know, its late, I'm rambling and tired, and my dog wants me to go to bed. I'll check back in later.