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MotoX

First Blog Ever and I'm Discussing My Sex Life

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Well, I am new here and I have debated on doing a blog on occasion just as sort of a place to write down ideas and vent about things. My life is not bad by any means, in fact, I have a great life so as I vent, I don't want anyone to think I am really down or feel like I have it worse than anyone else, I just need a place to vent. Also, in case anyone reads my blog posts, I tend to ramble and rant so my posts will probably be long. So for my first blog, I am going to rant a bit about my sex life. Might be typical or might be to "racy" for my first blog but its something that is a problem for me.

So I am married to the most beautiful girl in the whole world. The worst part is, I have a big sex drive and she doesn't. I have fetishes and she doesn't. We are 100% compatible in almost every other way but sex. So here are my issues. I end up wanting sex a lot. Like I could have sex 5 times a week easy and she wants sex only once or twice a month. So we have discussed the issue multiple times, and whenever I bring it up, she shuts down. She doesn't like talking about it at all and I ask what she would want to make it better for her and she doesn't know. So we discuss it and eventually I get her to agree to a compromise. Usually we agree on once or twice a week and maybe once a month I can indulge in a fetish (always bondage because diapers are out of the question). So the first week is occasionally successful. We may have sex that first week or two and then its back to normal. I will occasionally ask if I can tie her up or something and she always says no. When we discuss it all, I am honestly trying to compromise and am willing to give up things if she will try for me but it all is futile. I bought a we-vibe a while back hoping that would help her enjoy it more and its great when she has sex but after, no, she doesn't feel like it for a few more weeks. It is such a struggle for me because I honestly "need" sex and that release more often or I begin to stress out constantly. Sex is an amazing stress reliever. So I try to compromise and all I want in return is her to try more for me. I want to be able to tie her up, I want to have sex with her normally, I want to just enjoy that closeness but it rarely happens. Most of all I want to tie her up and add in diapers but I know that won't ever happen because they "gross" her out. I don't understand how they gross her out because I'm not talking using them in anyway but I guess. I won't push it on her because I hope someday she will decide to indulge me because she knows I like it but until then I struggle in silence because when I bring it up, it becomes a fight and I'm tired of fighting about it and I'm tired of not gaining anything when we do fight about it. I'm at a loss and the more frustrated I get, the more I need sex. Its a vicious circle that I hope will end someday but until then I will continue to do what I've always done and just deal with it.

Thanks for reading all that if you did. Like I said before, my life is great, and my wife is amazing. She isn't cold hearted or anything, just genuinely doesn't care about sex and has a very small sex drive. I understand and honestly, I will do anything for her and if that means giving up sex, I would in a heartbeat but I wish she would do the same for me and try somethings for me. Anyways, thanks for reading this!
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  1. Trevor's Avatar
    Have you ever seen anyone together about this? It seems to me like a neutral party could be really helpful to bridge the gap.
  2. MotoX's Avatar
    Thanks for the advice Trevor. I have actually suggested that and she doesn't like discussing it with me let alone a stranger. I do agree maybe a neutral party could help but the problem isn't the "discussion," its more the "action." I can get her to agree to almost anything because she just wants to get the conversation over with but when it comes to the actual act she always shys away. I don't want anyone thinking we have a horrible marriage or she is selfish because she isn't. We just struggle in this aspect and I wanted to just rant and write it all out and maybe after some comments and suggestions, maybe we can move past this issue.
  3. Lilicup's Avatar
    You sound like you could benefit from /r/DeadBedrooms - There's only one Love Language, those other four things are *Like* Languages - It's FULL of people who are having the EXACT same problem you are.

    I'm sorry you're having to go through this
  4. MotoX's Avatar
    Thanks for the link Lilicup! I really appreciate it. I am definitely going to look through there and see if there's things my wife and I can benefit from. I already was looking around and its crazy how many people are dealing with this issue. Thank you very much for your concern as well! I really appreciate all of your support!
  5. Trevor's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by MotoX
    Thanks for the advice Trevor. I have actually suggested that and she doesn't like discussing it with me let alone a stranger. I do agree maybe a neutral party could help but the problem isn't the "discussion," its more the "action." I can get her to agree to almost anything because she just wants to get the conversation over with but when it comes to the actual act she always shys away. I don't want anyone thinking we have a horrible marriage or she is selfish because she isn't. We just struggle in this aspect and I wanted to just rant and write it all out and maybe after some comments and suggestions, maybe we can move past this issue.
    Just because the rest is good doesn't mean you should allow this to slide by. This isn't like habitually forgetting to unload the dryer, it's a significant element of your relationship and it's one that you are not capable of fixing on your own. You're in it together and despite all the other good things, this is one that could very easily undermine your relationship and she needs to address it seriously.
  6. MotoX's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Trevor
    Just because the rest is good doesn't mean you should allow this to slide by. This isn't like habitually forgetting to unload the dryer, it's a significant element of your relationship and it's one that you are not capable of fixing on your own. You're in it together and despite all the other good things, this is one that could very easily undermine your relationship and she needs to address it seriously.
    I know its a serious part of our relationship. I understand that very much so. I know she knows that too but she has difficulty following through with it. I don't want to sound like I'm bashing on my wife because I'm not and I don't want anyone thinking she is horrible because she isn't. That is the one thing I can't stress enough. We have a problem and its something I want to fix. I think she wants to as well but she has difficulty following through with it all. I agree that a sex therapist or a neutral 3rd party would be a great first step but I also don't foresee it helping just because I know my wife. She hates discussing sex with me, in fact, the only way we can really discuss sex is by texting and I am her husband. If she can't talk to me about it I know she will have difficulty even saying anything to a therapist plus, when we do discuss it, she will agree at the moment to get the conversation over with and later she will say she doesn't want to. For example, the last time we had the discussion, I stated that once or twice a month didn't work for me. I suggested that we have normal sex twice a week and one weekend a month, I would have full control of her (I like light bondage as well as diapers but with her, diapers are out of the question so bondage it is). She agreed and about 3 days later she was crying and saying she just couldn't do it. I hadn't brought it up, it wasn't like it would happen that weekend or anything, she just broke down because of the stress attached to it. So then I said, lets drop the weekend stuff and go from there. Well, lets just say that was middle of April and here we are a month later. We have had sex a grand total of................two times! Back to normal we go I guess.

    So here is my "long term plan." I am going to try and take the initiative and help out around the house as much as I possibly can for the next two weeks and see what happens. If things don't change, then I will bring up my "concerns." At this time I will suggest a therapist and probably be shot down. I will then offer an ultimatum, either we have sex two or three times a week for the rest of the summer or we go see a therapist. At that point, I don't know what will happen. I hope that we can move past this all because I do know it is a serious part of our relationship but I will never leave her. I would, in all honesty, give up sex for the rest of my life for her. I'm not saying I wouldn't complain or constantly beg for sex but to be with her, I would give it up. That's just how I feel about her.
  7. sirscience's Avatar
    I would like to preface this , this is just my personal opinion based on my opinion.

    1.How long have you been married?

    2. Did you seek Pre-Marriage counseling?

    -- I have been married almost 4 years now, and we went to pre-marriage counseling, but i was too afraid to talk about my AB/DL needs. This was a grave mistake.
    I waited to discuss my proclivity until a week before we were married. Had we discussed this before, we would not have married.

    I am not trying to be negative, I am simply trying to give some advice on something that sounds like me a few years ago.


    Quote Originally Posted by Motox
    . I would, in all honesty, give up sex for the rest of my life for her. I'm not saying I wouldn't complain or constantly beg for sex but to be with her, I would give it up. That's just how I feel about her.
    I felt this way, so strongly in fact, that I said the same thing. I will give it all up, we will stay married no matter what.
    this is the best feeling in the world hold on to it, and fight for it. never let it fade.

    how do i word this?
    A relationship cannot work if only one persons needs are being met. I hope that you can remain strong, but my marriage has suffered greatly from this.
    Resentment is a thing and eventually you may start to feel like your needs just aren't being met. This doubt , can fester, and you may start to ask yourself why you put so much effort in to constantly not have needs met. I too believed that i could do without. I miss the ability to feel that way.I strongly agree with Trevor, in that you need/ Have to seek out counseling, and now.

    Waiting is not an answer/ option.
    let me put it this way, if you have the money, you should be going now. your marriage hinges on it.
    And if she doesn't want to go for what ever reason, that means she doesn't think there needs to be change. this can and will affect your marriage, and you need to get a jump on this before it becomes unbearable. Please trust me on this.
    her being unwilling to hold up even part of what you agreed on is taking advantage of you, and allows her to get what she wants, and only that.

    Balance must be obtained in a relationship, or it is doomed to fail.
    I only say all this because i know what the resentment leads too. its empty and it leaves a void and hurt that can change you. And i can almost say with certainty that you will not like the person you become.

    I wish I had had some one to tell me this before i got here.
    and i had some people tell me this in other ways, and i didn't listen.
  8. MotoX's Avatar
    Hey, I definitely appreciate your advice. I will probably continue on my current path but I do appreciate it. I'll address your questions and such and go from there.

    So first off, I have been married for just under 4 years as well and yes we did go to premarital counseling. I though told her about it well before we were engaged. For me, it isn't a need that has to be met very often though. In fact, if I could have even a weekend every one or two months, my fetish would be satisfied. Its not that I wouldn't like it more often at times but I still have "purge cycles." I don't do the standard and feel guilty and get rid of everything anymore, I just have a few weeks that I want diapers, then I am good for a few months with the occasional desire but not a "need."

    As far as the part I sounded like you. I know what you mean, I really do, but there is more to it than what I can explain with words. Too me, a true marriage isn't about what you receive but about what you give. I know that the statement I just wrote can be turned around and that means she should give me what I want......believe me, I have thought on that myself, but that isn't the point. I am willing to give her whatever she wants or needs and if that honestly means giving up diapers or sex, I honestly would do it. Now I have to say, if our sex life dropped to once every few months or once a year, that is a super serious problem, but at twice a month, its something I would like to change, but its not bad. Its more sex than I would have if I was single. I'm not saying its ideal but twice a month is enough to curb an appetite, not satisfy my appetite but it gets me by. I am not saying I am going to just drop it and not bring it up or seek counselling but I am not going to give up on my marriage or move on, it just won't happen, that is NOT an option.

    As far as waiting for an answer, first off, we live in the middle of nowhere so I first have to even figure out how and where to find counseling. I'm thinking I will have to go through the internet for it because the nearest cities that "may" have counselors are 80 miles away at the closest(if you know of a counseling service over the internet please let me know). So waiting a few weeks isn't going to matter. We also have a super busy few weeks and are going to be tight on money for a few months until somethings are finished up, so money wise, end of summer may be the first time we could even afford to go to counselling. So waiting is going to happen regardless.

    I know all that may sound like I am just going to let it all slide. That isn't the case. It is something we need to work on and get to a point of compromise between the two of us. I almost feel like this has been blown out of proportion to some extent. Am I frustrated with my sex life? Yes. Do I want to see change? Yes. Is it something bad enough that a divorce is on the horizon? NO! If change doesn't happen, is it a huge problem? No, its something that may frustrate me but it is not something I can't live without. Taxes frustrate me, in fact they piss me off, but I still pay them and I still deal with them. I may argue about them but I can live with them. You have to remember, I am not in a completely sexless marriage like some people are, I still have sex, it just isn't as "kinky" as I would prefer and it isn't as often as I would prefer but I am still having sex.
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