Am I looking for something, or running from something.
by, 29-Apr-2014 at 11:20 (183 Views)
Don't get me wrong, I like where I'm at in life, stable income, nice house, mentally sound roomies, and this bodybuilding kick I've been on for the last four months has shown some impressive results. Sometimes though... sometimes I feel like I should be doing something more, something, else. I work at a job I like, but at times, especially late at night(or rather, early in the morning) I feel like it's not the right job. I love this town, nice small, close to nature, but it doesn't always feel like, well, me. If that makes any sense. I was a ski instructor some years back, and even with all the baggage and nasty habits that were filling my life, I felt like I was in the right place, doing the right thing. Not in a 'helping make the world a better place' kind of way, but in a right for me sort of a way. The last time I had that same 'This is where you need to be RIGHT NOW' feeling was on a backpacking trip. I was about 900 feet from the summit of Kings Peak, and my entire self, mind body and soul, just stopped. I don't know how long I just stood there, but it was one of the most spiritual moments in my life. which is saying something since I'm not really all that spiritual or religious. It's disconcerting at times. I walk most every where, and just tonight, on my way home, I had this profound feeling of otherness. Like I was supposed to be somewhere else doing, something. It's all very vague. I used to think it was wanderlust, but that doesn't really fit, when I take off on adventures, I don't want to go back home. I want to keep going, cross another border, climb the next peak, forever, just keep going and never look back. Like I'm looking for something, but I don't know what it is. Even now, sitting in this chair, I just want to sell or burn everything I own, grab my ruck, and take off for terra del fuego. Why there? I don't know, but that's what feels right, as though my place was down there at the very edge of the world. But who knows. I may get there someday only to find that I feel just as disconnected from everything. Feeling like this are why I love work. I can set my entire focus on the task at hand and push all these feelings and thoughts to the side for a while. When I sit alone in the dark actively thinking about all of this, my desire to run and search just gets stronger and stronger. I wish I knew what I was searching for. My place? What I'm here to do? I don't know. Maybe everyone feels like this, I don't know. I don't like it. Ok, in all honesty, I love the running and searching, but I don't like feeling disconnected from everything. I want my place to be here, in this town, in this house, with these people. But it just doesn't feel like this is where I belong. I have enough common sense to not run off to the four corners of the globe on a whim, but I feel like I should. Just say "Damn the torpedoes" and go. I'm in a good place, but... I don't know.