the 5th blog that was promised: failure to communicate/ nervousness.
by, 27-Apr-2014 at 01:37 (795 Views)
This is going to be very targeted and possibly offensive. i apologize ahead of time to any that read this and do find it offensive , I only ask that you maybe take the time to enlighten me otherwise. I understand that some of the feelings i have may be completely misguided and i may just be a prude(?), but I think this is an important subject none the less.
First, Let me clarify some things. I am AB/DL, very AB it turns out, with not much way of expressing except in private, by my self. I do wear on the weekends, which i know is more than others. but i try to be as inconspicuous as possible.( I hide it as much as humanly possible)
Second, Social awareness. I would say that years ago before i was lucky enough to be pulled out of an abusive home and taught how to have social skills, I was extremely clueless to social norms. I said things that were inappropriate, and while unintentionally, none the less i had to learn to socialize on an appropriate level.
Third, Who i am. I am a person who is very driven. to look back to 11 years ago and look at my 17 year old self, I am a completely different individual from then. Self sustaining and i can function in social situations.
Fourth, Nerdy/Geeky. I am all too familiar with my subculture and how socially awkward my "type" of people can be. Just because i have learned to function by societal values, doesnt mean i am not still very much in touch with the same people and functions that are looked down on. I mean I spent years being made fun of for LAN parties and all weekend gaming sessions. For Anime wallpapers, and models of Motoko Kusanagi. Love me some GITS.
all this brings me to the point. ------- I went to the seattle munch today, and i am pretty sure that if some one from the board was there, You know exactly who i am.
once again I apologize ahead of time. I am probably just being arrogant, but i am really struggling with this.
and i have to admit i was moments away from going and introducing my self. but then some one very comfortable in their being, and not even in an offensive manner showed up. -and as i type this i have a moment of clarity, those people, those people are trying to be accepted, for who/what they are, and i am a jerk--- this freaked me out, I couldnt handle it, it was too much...
I know there is a thing about hiding oneself, but for some reason the act of being open and so up front, it just freaked me out.
and then the offensive part happened, I left thinking, this isnt normal this isnt what i want, I want normal friends who hang out normally and that ab is a thing we share in common, and that we do those things in not so public places, and that we get to know the adult before we meet the little.
here is the thing, I cant decide if i am just being a moron, or if this is actually a problem. this situation made me ashamed of my self and what abism is. is it ok for us to express our selves in public like that, for sissies and abs and all to just flaunt it? or should we reserve those things for private or maybe be not as identifiable.
i know that people grab on to fetishes and say "screw it all i am going to be who i am regardless, if you dont like it deal"
am i just afraid of being noticed?
I also feel like i need to be more specific. There were sissies there, that is what freaked me out, It felt like there was unwanted attention from it,and maybe i am just paranoid. it wasnt the introduction of names accompanied by "this is my daddy" or even someone slightly being childish. But people do notice that kind of thing, and pay attention to that kind of thing, it takes away other peoples ability to remain inconspicuous who are around that thing.
does this make sense, does any one understand? or am i just a bigot who needs to get over my own issues and just roll with it. I would like to believe that there is a way to meet forward thinking smart people who arent just on an outing to meet AB. -- i am really lost on this one.
once again i apologize to any one who takes offense to this. its not intentional, I feel it is a way of thinking , and i am not sure its right.