Step 1: Blog weekly
by, 11-Apr-2014 at 03:07 (563 Views)
OK, so, ummmmm... pick a topic...ummm,
Little Bleed through.
When i first joined adisc I hadn't fully accepted this as a lifetime thing. I spent a couple months binging and purging.
I have been in Seattle now almost a year by my self, and well its lent its self to some discovery.
I worked on getting a couple posts here and there and talked about what it means about this and that. I questioned what it means to be little. bla bla bla.
so here I am almost a year later, I KNOW that i am AB without a doubt. I have no doubt that i always have been.
the point , the point...
little bleed through, for me this has been an extreme reaction emotionally. I have explained that i am not usually emotional, and actually took about ten years to undo a lot of hurt from growing up. what i am trying to say is i have been a little blindsided by the emotional responses i am having. and I don't want to use "little" as an excuse, but i realized at various points in my life that the behavior, the liking the cute colorful and cuddly, and the strong emotional responses, needed to be put away so i could protect myself and "grow up".
and while writing this the thought crosses my mind that it isn't that I am discovering new things at all. In the past I was trying my best to protect myself, to protect the little from harm, to suppress what was "wrong". I don't know that i should post this ...
I feel extremely vulnerable at the moment just all around emotionally. I feel like I am loosing some sort of control. Its just not "logical"
I guess i should pose the question... the other day at work i was told that i couldn't have something, and i am being very vague about the exact details but, it was a matter of how we operate. As an Adult i 100% understood and it made perfect sense. but there was this crazy emotional response that i fought for the rest of the day. I wanted to cry , for the rest of the day. It was ridiculous, and i couldn't understand why i was being so irrational about it. I think/ almost know this is a little response. But what i dont understand is why, why is this something that can even happen at work. i dont think about being little at work.
when i am at work, I am at work.
when I am not, its ok to be a little little.
the other part of the discovery is, has this been happening to me all my life and i have just been oblivious to it?
i think maybe it has.
its super crazy to look back into my life and acknowledge that i have always exhibited behaviors that are directly little.
hopefully this was better than the last post. this has been a very cathartic blog for me. annnnddd i hope people don't think i am a complete nut job because this post kinda sounds like it.
also I think i am going to go to my first Little's munch in two weeks, i am crazy nervous. but hopefully it will be good.