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sirscience

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OK, so, ummmmm... pick a topic...ummm,

Little Bleed through.
When i first joined adisc I hadn't fully accepted this as a lifetime thing. I spent a couple months binging and purging.

I have been in Seattle now almost a year by my self, and well its lent its self to some discovery.

I worked on getting a couple posts here and there and talked about what it means about this and that. I questioned what it means to be little. bla bla bla.

so here I am almost a year later, I KNOW that i am AB without a doubt. I have no doubt that i always have been.

the point , the point...
little bleed through, for me this has been an extreme reaction emotionally. I have explained that i am not usually emotional, and actually took about ten years to undo a lot of hurt from growing up. what i am trying to say is i have been a little blindsided by the emotional responses i am having. and I don't want to use "little" as an excuse, but i realized at various points in my life that the behavior, the liking the cute colorful and cuddly, and the strong emotional responses, needed to be put away so i could protect myself and "grow up".

and while writing this the thought crosses my mind that it isn't that I am discovering new things at all. In the past I was trying my best to protect myself, to protect the little from harm, to suppress what was "wrong". I don't know that i should post this ...

I feel extremely vulnerable at the moment just all around emotionally. I feel like I am loosing some sort of control. Its just not "logical"

I guess i should pose the question... the other day at work i was told that i couldn't have something, and i am being very vague about the exact details but, it was a matter of how we operate. As an Adult i 100% understood and it made perfect sense. but there was this crazy emotional response that i fought for the rest of the day. I wanted to cry , for the rest of the day. It was ridiculous, and i couldn't understand why i was being so irrational about it. I think/ almost know this is a little response. But what i dont understand is why, why is this something that can even happen at work. i dont think about being little at work.

when i am at work, I am at work.
when I am not, its ok to be a little little.

the other part of the discovery is, has this been happening to me all my life and i have just been oblivious to it?
i think maybe it has.
its super crazy to look back into my life and acknowledge that i have always exhibited behaviors that are directly little.
any way


hopefully this was better than the last post. this has been a very cathartic blog for me. annnnddd i hope people don't think i am a complete nut job because this post kinda sounds like it.

also I think i am going to go to my first Little's munch in two weeks, i am crazy nervous. but hopefully it will be good.
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Comments

  1. Trevor's Avatar
    It's hard to know sometimes why we have the reactions we do. You think you know yourself after a long and hopefully positive association, but sometimes there are surprises. Maybe how you felt had something to do with being more accepting of your little, or perhaps it was something else entirely. If you can find some angle by which this is beneficial to you, by all means explore it. Offhand, getting teary or having a tantrum when we don't get our way doesn't sound so helpful but perhaps greater emotional honesty, even if it's only with yourself could be a good thing. In any event, it gives you something to think on and that's got to be a good thing.
  2. sirscience's Avatar


    In any event, it gives you something to think on and that's got to be a good thing.
    I agree 100% with the whole statement.

    I think maybe what I am trying to figure out is how to better control / separate something like this from reoccurring.

    I understand that its ok to have feelings, but I am not used to having such a powerful response. It literally took everything I had to keep my composure, and that is not something i usually struggle with. Does that make sense?

    what also gets me is as a child I knew that tantrums were likely to get me in more trouble than they were worth. so i was on my best behavior. so where does this kind of reaction come from any way?
  3. Trevor's Avatar
    As adults, tantrums are still likely to get us inmore trouble than they're worth, so if this was coming from your little side, it's less rational than you were yourself when literally small. What's up with that? I don't know you well but I'd be more inclined to think it was some kind of perfect storm of circumstance (unless you see a pattern to it). I've been turned down for things that didn't bother me and had others leave me quite upset. All situations are not created equally and what we bring to them is often more important than anything objective that's happening. It's a pity we can't test these things under laboratory conditions.
  4. sirscience's Avatar


    It's a pity we can't test these things under laboratory conditions.
    I literally couldn't agree with you more.

    I guess that part of the hard part is actually getting to know my little.
  5. Trevor's Avatar
    One other thought on your blog: I hope the munch goes well. I'm a big advocate of meeting other ABDLs, although not as much on the group meets if you don't have some association beforehand. I know some people swear by it, so I wouldn't ever discourage going, I would only say that if it does turn out to be less than you had hoped, don't give up.

    I went to a short series of meets before joining up here (actually at the site we had before this one) and while the people were decent enough, I didn't make any significant connections. I joined here and was lucky enough to find that someone who made great and interesting posts lived in a reasonable distance and we were able to meet before long. That simple lunch, walking and talking was a huge boon for me and it was only the start. I wish that everyone here could meet such wonderful people as I have as a result of joining this site.
  6. sirscience's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Trevor
    One other thought on your blog: I hope the munch goes well. I'm a big advocate of meeting other ABDLs, although not as much on the group meets if you don't have some association beforehand. I know some people swear by it, so I wouldn't ever discourage going, I would only say that if it does turn out to be less than you had hoped, don't give up.

    I went to a short series of meets before joining up here (actually at the site we had before this one) and while the people were decent enough, I didn't make any significant connections. I joined here and was lucky enough to find that someone who made great and interesting posts lived in a reasonable distance and we were able to meet before long. That simple lunch, walking and talking was a huge boon for me and it was only the start. I wish that everyone here could meet such wonderful people as I have as a result of joining this site.

    Appreciated -- I am concerned that a munch too many people will be in for the kink, i am married and my marriage does com first , I also cannot do any thing to jeopardize it. I hope that new friends will be understanding .

    BTW i would like to add you to my friends list, your advice has been more than well received and i would like to chat with you as things continue.
  7. Trevor's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by sirscience
    Appreciated -- I am concerned that a munch too many people will be in for the kink, i am married and my marriage does com first , I also cannot do any thing to jeopardize it. I hope that new friends will be understanding .

    BTW i would like to add you to my friends list, your advice has been more than well received and i would like to chat with you as things continue.
    I wouldn't necessarily worry regarding kinkiness. My primary ABDL associations are kink-based but it has been and continues to be good to meet people just to talk. I think most are also respectful of such boundaries. That talk doesn't even have to be about the ABDL world, which is good, since it can be limited. Just knowing that this is a known thing and if the conversation naturally goes to that area, it can be followed was helpful for me in feeling more normal with it.

    Accepted your friend request.
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