update : an attempt to blog regularly
by, 05-Apr-2014 at 07:00 (351 Views)
hey every one!
this is my first ever blog post so here goes.
I have been inactive on the site for a little while and in that time a lot has happened with my development. I have lurked a lot and searched the interwebs for advice and info, but i should probably start with a thanks to dogboy for his recomendation to read "theres a baby in my bed". this book helped me come to terms with some real truths about my self even, and through reading it I have been able to explore my little, a bit more.
I have discovered that i love pacifiers, my teddy, and blankets. I have also experienced feelings/emotions that i had long ago taught myself how not to feel as a defense mechanism( i had not the best childhood). this has been both bad and good in that it has allowed me to begin seeing the "little" behaviors and separate them.
this has all been great, but it has all been singular. I moved almost a year ago to seattle and my wife stayed in the home town so that she could continue to pay her bills until she got a job here. the only problem is its been almost a year.
while this brings all kinds of grown up emotions, i haven't been able to share or talk with her about these little things. she comes over every once in a while, we only have 1 day off thats the same. And while being able to wear around her, she mostly cant tell, it strains the balance.
while she is away I am able to go full out, but while she is here i shut out as much of the little as i can. i want to have her read the book, but talks of late also seem to be leading to a general feeling of separation for both parties.
-- i hope these thoughts are cohesive enough to read, i am kinda trying to get something out i cant really talk to any one else about here--
the though of loosing my wife is one thing, but as an adult and a little i need love, and something my wife hasn't been able to give me. heck shes stated as much that she isnt able to provide for my little needs.
as an adult who has spent most of my life thinking this is a terrible thing and that i am weird for it, i can understand her point of view. I just want to be loved and accepted, as an adult, as a little.
its painful like a heartbreak, and the worst part isnt that i have been alone, its that very soon here it will be a permanent thing.
I wish there was a face to face community, I have even thought about hitting up the local Munch. I am tired of being alone in this, even though we have the board here. I want to be held and told things are going to be ok, I want to be held and accepted, i want to be held and LOVED.
i want to cry...
you know though i do have to say, things have been good for me since i joined adisc. and the support here is awesome. I have also been crushing it in the adult world and that is good. I just got a promotion, my life is generally good. i just wish sometimes i could lock these feelings up and be normal.
any way thanks for reading even part of this, i apologize that this is super emo, comments are welcome, advice as well. I plan to start blogging more and becoming active(said that before). but as of right now you all are what i've got, and i have to say I am Happy for that.
keep on rocking everyone.