View RSS Feed


update : an attempt to blog regularly

Rate this Entry
hey every one!
this is my first ever blog post so here goes.

I have been inactive on the site for a little while and in that time a lot has happened with my development. I have lurked a lot and searched the interwebs for advice and info, but i should probably start with a thanks to dogboy for his recomendation to read "theres a baby in my bed". this book helped me come to terms with some real truths about my self even, and through reading it I have been able to explore my little, a bit more.

I have discovered that i love pacifiers, my teddy, and blankets. I have also experienced feelings/emotions that i had long ago taught myself how not to feel as a defense mechanism( i had not the best childhood). this has been both bad and good in that it has allowed me to begin seeing the "little" behaviors and separate them.

this has all been great, but it has all been singular. I moved almost a year ago to seattle and my wife stayed in the home town so that she could continue to pay her bills until she got a job here. the only problem is its been almost a year.

while this brings all kinds of grown up emotions, i haven't been able to share or talk with her about these little things. she comes over every once in a while, we only have 1 day off thats the same. And while being able to wear around her, she mostly cant tell, it strains the balance.

while she is away I am able to go full out, but while she is here i shut out as much of the little as i can. i want to have her read the book, but talks of late also seem to be leading to a general feeling of separation for both parties.
-- i hope these thoughts are cohesive enough to read, i am kinda trying to get something out i cant really talk to any one else about here--

the though of loosing my wife is one thing, but as an adult and a little i need love, and something my wife hasn't been able to give me. heck shes stated as much that she isnt able to provide for my little needs.

as an adult who has spent most of my life thinking this is a terrible thing and that i am weird for it, i can understand her point of view. I just want to be loved and accepted, as an adult, as a little.

its painful like a heartbreak, and the worst part isnt that i have been alone, its that very soon here it will be a permanent thing.

I wish there was a face to face community, I have even thought about hitting up the local Munch. I am tired of being alone in this, even though we have the board here. I want to be held and told things are going to be ok, I want to be held and accepted, i want to be held and LOVED.

i want to cry...

you know though i do have to say, things have been good for me since i joined adisc. and the support here is awesome. I have also been crushing it in the adult world and that is good. I just got a promotion, my life is generally good. i just wish sometimes i could lock these feelings up and be normal.

any way thanks for reading even part of this, i apologize that this is super emo, comments are welcome, advice as well. I plan to start blogging more and becoming active(said that before). but as of right now you all are what i've got, and i have to say I am Happy for that.
keep on rocking everyone.


  1. Adventurer's Avatar
    I'm sorry that things have gotten so difficult. That's got to be the hardest part of this lifestyle; the fact that it's a part of us, but that our loved ones won't always accept it.

    I do have a couple of thoughts, although I'm not sure how valid either of them are. You'll have to be the judge of that. My first is: is it possible that some of these issues are caused by your long-term separation? Being apart for so long can make it really, really hard to care for each other under the best of times. In some people this causes resentment (as in an ex-girlfriend of mine). In others, it causes loneliness and guilt (being in an long-distance relationship now, I often feel both of these). These emotions can make it really hard to know what to do. I'm not sure if there's a solution to that, but it may help figure out what to do.

    Second, I know you've already done this, but I think it's best to lay all your cards out and try and reach some kind of compromise. You have needs that need to be met, somehow. For her, it's not possible to meet those needs, at least in the ways you've discussed so far. In any relationship, there has to be compromise - from both of you. Try and talk it out and meet halfway somehow. For example, maybe she doesn't want to change your diapers or give you a bottle, but would she be open to cuddling you and calling you her baby? That's just an example. Try and define what exactly you need (emotionally - not in terms of specific actions like diapering, but more in terms of feelings like being cared for and safe). Let her define what she absolutely won't do, what she might do sometimes, and what she's OK with doing. Then, from those boundaries, come up with a compromise.

    I'm sorry it's such a tough situation. My hope is that you guys will be able to find a solution and stick together. I believe it's possible, if the willingness to compromise is there. I wish you the best, and hope that things somehow work out.
  2. sirscience's Avatar

    I'm sorry it's such a tough situation. My hope is that you guys will be able to find a solution and stick together. I believe it's possible, if the willingness to compromise is there. I wish you the best, and hope that things somehow work out.
    I apologize for not responding sooner , I just saw this.
    first -- thank you so much for responding
    second-- you are absolutely right. the long term separation is difficult because we cant make progress. shes here and then shes not. and i cant just be little when shes here because then why would she want to be here... you know what i mean.

    the worst part about the separation is that its clear it is what she wanted, she needed time away because i am not the most easy to deal with, we have discussed that if i had given her more time she would have left me before we got married.
    And i can respect that, but due to the way i was raised, it feels like shes just putting me away in a room or a corner, keeping a tight leash, but she gets her space and then she also gets me in small doses, because she doesn't know what to do with me otherwise.

    My mom raised me like that. it was much much worse. I voiced that to my wife and she understood how i felt.

    any way I really appreciate your thoughts, i would like to add you to my friends list, if you dont mind. and I am currently working on a new blog post. I will work harder to answer these more quickly next time. thanks again btw.
    Updated 11-Apr-2014 at 02:54 by sirscience (forgot to quote) - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.