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neocarbunkle

Horrible marriage life

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Last time I wrote on this blog I talked about how I wanted to leave my wife because she was crazy and had attacked me. Well I still want to leave her and she did attack me one more time since I last wrote that post. She thinks to herself that she is getting better because most of the time she goes crazy and just hits herself instead now. She is full on insane now a days. She tried to lock herself in the bathroom with a razor and after I wrestled that away from her she started to scream like crazy and destroyed her cell phone (she removed the battery cover and ran it under running water). The neighbors complained about the noise (the police were called last week but not this time) and I spent the next hour trying to keep her from hurting herself.

This is my life. This happens on a daily basis. If it isn't violent screaming it is becoming horribly depressed at random times. We rode the train for an hour to go to somewhere she wanted to go and then she got depressed and wouldn't talk or respond to anything, so we just went home.

I did not sign up for this. I did not know that she was this insane when I married her. I also did not know that she would stop going to church the second I gave her a wedding ring. You see I'm Mormon (church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints) and I have spent all of my adult life longing to be able to go to church with my wife. It is a very family focused church and for years I was so jealous of guys that got to go to church with their wives, while I sat by myself. In my church we also believe in holding a marriage ceremony in a spiritual sense. Like signing a wedding certificate from city hall and signing it is a civil thing, a legal thing, but what my church does is a marriage that is between God and man, so it is not just a legal thing it is something more special.

Well when I met my wife she was investigating the church and was slowly but surely learning and ultimately decided to become a member of my church. Things were great, I proposed to her with the intention that in the near future we would get married in my church (we had to wait for that so we got married civilly first). Well once I proposed she slowly stopped going to church. She hasn't gone to church in 6 months, doesn't pray regularly, doesn't read the bible, doesn't really even try to keep any of the commandments (maybe you have heard that Mormons don't drink alcohol, well she has been drinking behind my back), she is mormon in technicality only.

I want to leave her so badly. I used to be such a fun and happy person. I was the kind of guy that would go for a walk on a sunny day and feel like singing a disney song. Now I have muscle spams of anger and rage all of the time. I curse constantly and I have to hold back the urge to punch the wall all the time. It always comes down to, "if you leave I'll kill myself" and "this new thing is going to make me better". She has destroyed everything else in her life so I think she might kill herself if I leave because she would have nothing left and I feel obligated to give her another chance and another chance.

And since this is ADISC I'll add, a while ago I worked up the courage to tell her about my diaper fetish and she was totally cool with it, but we fight so much or she does one of her selfish/crazy/rampage things so we don't have time to do anything.
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Comments

  1. foxkits's Avatar
    She needs help you need to tell some one a72 hr evaluation for both your sakes.
    It could be something medical is the cause dont wait ok for your safety and hers
  2. Adventurer's Avatar
    I'm so sorry for all of this happening.

    It's clear that your wife does need to see someone to help her. I'm not sure what that would look like, but I know she's in desperate need of help. No matter what happens in your marriage, she can't continue to hurt herself, or you.

    Three months ago she was hurting you. Now she's hurting herself. And it all seems to come down to control. I doubt it's intentional, but her need for control is causing a ton of harm, as you know well. The only answer is for her to receive the treatment she needs, and for you to get somewhere safe. I'm not sure what this looks like, and hopefully one of our members more educated about mental health supports can advise you, but I think it's clear she needs help.

    Finally, I want to remind you of the same thing I needed to be reminded of in my own abusive relationship. This isn't your fault. Even if you've made mistakes - even big mistakes - you don't deserve to have your security and safety trashed by someone else. You have the right to feel free and happy. And I do hope that joy returns as the pain is resolved. It'll be hard. This community is here, and I bet others in your life will help if they find out what's going on. You're not alone, and this isn't your fault. Whatever happens, remember this!
  3. caitianx's Avatar
    Your wife sounds too much like my late Mom. she was doing the same thing.
    She is sick and needs to be hauled into treatment.
  4. neocarbunkle's Avatar
    Thanks everyone. She is going to see someone tomorrow, I don't know how much faith I have in her getting better through this, but I am going to give her a little bit more time.

    If I was in my home country I would know better about how to get her treated but here in Japan I don't even know where to begin, it is very frustrating.
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