by, 22-Mar-2014 at 22:51 (431 Views)
So, some time passed since my last (and first) blog post here. I have problems with keeping my job, had some issues with my boss and he reduced my working days and my salary as well. Now I make about 3 and a half € a day, which is barely enough for some basic food, I sleep wherever I can and still looking for another job, but I'm not motivated at all. I feel depressed, since an 8-10 year old child wouldn't have to work, children can play, have fun and I can't, nobody wants to play and be friends like that anymore since they "grew up", and I'm expected to grow up as well. Not happening. I've been to some "therapy", the first session for transgender people, I'll see where it will take me. I started watching MLP FiM and became quite a fan, I'm thinking of ways to occupy my mind and do something constructive, but I'm keep getting back again and again to the very same and deep loneliness as always. I spend a lot of time with my imaginary sister, I have her since I was 9 years old, she helps me to deal with all the stress in the "adult" life, but she's not real and I find myself wondering away from reality all the time towards her. She's someone who knows how I feel, someone who understands and helps me to express vivid emotions. She's someone I can read fairy tales to, someone I can hug when I need to, someone I can love unconditionally. She's basically me, but since no one in my life would care about me that way (as a little sister would care about her big, but still a child brother), it became my responsibility many many years ago, now I don't really know how to imagine my life without her. For some days or weeks I escape to my dreams, and than for other days or weeks I just cry a lot, think about stuff like there's no point to live anymore, and I'm looking for ways to escape again from the loneliness, to be with her, to make her happy, because that's the only time I'm even remotely close to happy.