by, 19-Mar-2014 at 04:51 (381 Views)
I don't know why I chose to call this blog "hard-and-fast"...kinda just came to me.
I'm going to talk about something that I irrationally feel a little ashamed or embarrassed about, but that might be a little less convoluted by the time this blog is over. I'm going to talk about... *drum roll* ...sexual abuse!
(Please excuse my awful attempt to ease the tension with a drum roll...)
Really though, it's not a joke. I may...or may NOT...have found some correlation between this and my diaper fetish. So I'm going to talk about it, because so far, understanding the possible source of where my fetish came from really sucks, and I need advice. This gets kind of touchy, so if you're really sensitive...well, get used to it. The world is full of this kind of shit.
I've kind of been on a soul search, if you will, regarding what the hell is wrong with my life and how I can come to mend or accept it. I've been on it for a while, a couple years now, but I'm just now properly utilizing certain tools at my disposal to where I could finally make some real progress. So far, it's been relieving, frightening, tranquilizing, and painful all at the same time, but most importantly it's grounded me more than ever in my entire life.
I don't really know why I started, I guess I wanted a way to become content with life and what it has to offer, even though there was nothing to be content about. A lot of what I dealt with was my sexuality and this fetish, both of which I did not understand except that I was heterosexual, but the main motivation for this was the social aspect of sexuality, like dating and what not. My social skills all throughout life have been pretty unusual, and I've always had a hard time establishing an identity through others. Elementary through high school were pretty rough because I didn't have many friends. I mean, people liked me, I just didn't know how to talk with them at all. I felt alone and outcast, and the major stress dealing with a suicidal sister, who has always been uplifting, was the final nail in my social coffin. All these things would eventually be answered with an answer that more or less made things clearer, but also much worse.
So, to sum it up, I was alone, and my life was falling apart before my eyes, so I thought, what the hell, if I'm having a significant existential crisis at this time in my life, the only option I have is to examine it thus far, and figure out where I'm supposed to go in order to be content.
To avoid a long and preachy explanation of what the aforementioned "tools" are (what I will refer to as alchemy/astrology later on), the synopsis is that certain meditative tools helped me lay the groundwork for self-discovery that was bound to be fruitful. I knew what I was getting into, but I wanted progress, even if it meant I was going to go downhill. Because what goes down can come up with the right guidance.
Earlier on in the journey, I recall watching videos of myself when I was at different ages between a toddler and a child. I watched myself walk around in a walker-thing that kids use to walk before they can support themselves, and I looked really happy, and I was laughing and bouncing around to my heart's content. But from those times to later on, when I had started school I suppose, something really changed that didn't quite make sense. During my 5th or 6th birthday party I was opening presents and such, and I was blocking everyone out. Not in the sense that I was autistic, but in the sense that I just did not want to talk to anyone, and I was perfectly content with figuring out what all my presents' functions were, without regarding people who showed me nothing but love that day. Another thing that also stood out was that I was constantly seeking my mother out so she could hold me. I understood that I was in pain in that video.
That unknown change has always stuck with me that day, as if it meant something crucial to figuring out some part of my life. I found out later why it was.
Fast forwarding through a couple more minor revelations, my mind eventually led itself to a time when I was in kindergarten. There was a bully I had named Anthony, who was a pretty fucking ugly kid, and who felt the need to kick my shins and talk down to me for no reason. He was a renowned pervert too, I remember he was caught showing his dick to all the girls at least one time that I know of. Most relevant to this blog was the fact that he had to wear diapers as a kid, I guess because he wasn't potty trained.
One more thing I should add is that my sex drive has always been really, really strong, even as a kid. But I didn't release it in a healthy manner. Any girls I liked or envied I would follow around constantly, and I would just nag her until she gave me attention, though it was always negative. Now, this may be normal for kids my age, and I could have just been born with a strong sex drive, but one thing I learned from my nephew being abused by another nephew of mine: kids that shouldn't have sexual awareness, gain sexual awareness, and exhibit it emphatically. This forcefulness, this obsession with women whom I fancied continued for years, up until my first year of college (this is my third year).
I personally don't remember much of my childhood or elementary school, but some of the most vivid memories I have were of Anthony hitting me or spitting in my face or something else really and drastically mean. Every time I think of him, I get this paranoid, powerful sense of fear that kind of sums up how I've always felt when I'm away from home, in combination with sadness, despair, and rage. I had never addressed these memories until a couple nights ago, when I reached a pivotal point in the astrological/alchemical process, which is the realm of solar consciousness.
It literally just hit me, like my mind just up and connected its own dots:
This kid violated me.
The first thing I felt was "holy shit...this is where it all started." All the revelations and the change in demeanor during my childhood seemed to connect to this one single epiphany. Why I've been so bitter all my life, why I've never felt safe in social situations, why I had a damn speech impediment problem growing up, and ultimately, it could be the reason I have a diaper fetish. All these repressed emotions suddenly unleashed themselves, and I felt whole, which is pretty pitiful considering they were feelings of rage and pain.
So, apart from all the released emotions of sadness, confusion, and seething anger, all the work I've done with my fetish has ultimately collapsed in on itself. Here I am, trying to embrace this fetish, and right when I'm on the verge of being "whatever" about it, I come to realize it stems from sexual abuse. And now I feel extremely uncomfortable if I try to wear a diaper.
I'm going to a therapist tomorrow, and I'm terrified to bring this up to her. Any of it. But I feel like I have to tell someone, because if I don't, I might just find out where Anthony lives today and murder him.
Now, the reason I said this may NOT be true (you know, like 50,000 words ago) is because these could all be attributes of autism. Autistic individuals have a different way of thinking than average individuals, and some are actually pretty gifted in certain areas. I'm a functioning adult that can control himself more often than not, and I notice that I have a more abstract thinking process than others. The only other kid I know of that thinks like me is a kid in my English class, and he's definitely got something different going for him mentally. They are also wrapped up in their own worlds, and tend to fall short regarding society's consensus of what socializing should be.
Anyway. Thanks for reading if you did. I probably wrote more than I should have, so sorry about that too...I could write a goddamn novel about how to turn a blender on.