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Autism, Cerebral Palsy, and being an "Adult Baby"...#67

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Here I am on a Monday evening 1 1/2 weeks before my 56th Birthday, thinking about what I want to do that day. My younger brother already purchased several "early" Birthday Presents for me. While my late Mom was alive, I dreaded Birthdays, because with her mental illness, she was so "unpredictable. I will note, that in 1958, I was my late Mom's 22nd Birthday Present via 100% "Feet First Delivery" after Midnight. My Mom did many times emotionally "blow up" our "shared Birthday" many times when she was alive. On my Birthday this year, I will only get myself a toy. Perhaps this year another Teddy Bear or another "different" NERF Toy Gun. Being Autistic, and having at one time severe suicidal depression, I am not allowed to ever have "real" guns. In fact, I am deathly afraid of "real" guns.

I have slipped into "adult baby mode", and I want "Poopy" my Teddy Bear and "Precious", my large soft Baby Dolly friend. My thumb is in my mouth and I an sucking it to try and calm myself. I was ruthlessly "broken" of "thumb-sucking" at age 5, but here in adulthood it has returned "full-force" in late adulthood". The tactile sensation and taste of my own "right thumb" cognitively/emotionally feels good and it is helping me to self-regulate my emotional arousal state. As an Autistic, I have always had severe difficulty in self-regulation of my emotional arousal states. Thumb-sucking, self-rocking, hand-flapping, mouthing baby rattles/teethers, clutching and hugging very soft plush toys is totally normal for me as an Autistic person to "regulate" my cognitive/emotional arousal state/level throughout my waking hours every day. If I were denied these self-calming behaviors, say by having my hands encased in thumb-less restraint mittens attached to a locking waist restraint belt or having my arms and hands stymied/restrained in an inescapable straitjacket, and unable to engage in these behaviors which calm me, I myself as an Autistic would become uncontrollably aggressive and self-abusive. Such is the nature of my lifelong developmental disability.

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