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zsofi

So here we go

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My very first blog post on this forum about my LG identity. I keep a handwritten diary which is fun of course, except when somebody finds it and reads it and will be able to link it to, the 27 year old guy identity everyone "knows". I don't really know "him" that much to be honest. He had a very few moments of true happiness in life, he is mostly depressed and socially stressed out, he's mostly reaching out to be me, so he wouldn't have to face the shameful consequences of being a man to others but not being good enough as a man, not being truly loved for it. What I read about Peter Pan syndrome, is that the identities have to finally work together as some kind of a family in order to achieve balance and possibly some sort of a fusion in the end. I love him as a brother and he loves me as a sister (or more like we love each other better than ourselves) but we're not really a team or a real family, If I'm ashamed of myself I'll most likely turn to him and the same goes around. He sometimes writes children stories, looking for more and more ways to express me in a more socially acceptable way, but support would be someone that could show him how to live a better and more complete life by loving him. I think we have to "become one" in the end somehow, be someone without self-hate or self-pity, be someone that could live more balanced. But that's far away. Right now I need to live and get accepted as a part of "him" or as myself.

My name is Zsˇfi. Mostly I feel like a 7-9 year old, (and act like one too) sometimes a teenager, like 14 or something, but that's quite rare. I haven't wore diapers in years (might try it again just for the fun of it) and I'm not looking for a daddy or a mommy, but I guess I always wanted to be loved by one, since I'm an orphan, it's not really an option. I picture myself now cuddling to a mom, and it would feel good, but it probably would be weird for my other identity, the grown-up "brother", so I'm careful about making real-life relationships. I wear mostly colorful panties and soft pink pajamas, some have stars and a Moon that glows in the dark. :)
I want to have my own room and wear skirts (at least home) and be able to play with friends. I'm lonely without any friends, but when they look at me, most people see a very troubled young man instead of a brightly vivid child girl and that makes it nearly impossible for us to communicate well. I'm gonna keep trying, 'cause giving up would be really bad and dangerous for the both of us, but it's not easy. Even in his relationships he was looking for a soul-mate, a sister not a girlfriend and nobody wanted a childish brother instead of a "real man" so I guess it will not be any easier to find someone that would want a little sister with his appearance. But that's not priority now, priority is to feel good without the support of others, to feel good about ourselves so I'm really looking forward to this costume party on the 7th of February, because it will be a chance to dress up as me, the LG without facing heavy rejection and judgement, at least I hope so.
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Comments

  1. neocarbunkle's Avatar
    Not in any sort of creepy way, but I wish we could meet in real life. I think I get you. I don't feel like I have another personality,but I really like the idea of being able to just be a little girl for a little bit, play and then go back to the regular me.

    I hope your costume party went well.
  2. zsofi's Avatar
    Thanks, it was OK. It would be good to know other people like me in real life. I haven't managed to find any, since most of them are either not feeling like children or if they do, they are extremely anti-social.
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