July 7th 1982 I was born. My parents (Jehovah's Witnesses.) don't believe in birthdays. I have never had a birthday party.
Birthday parties make me feel so awkward. One year, a few back, I made everyone donate to a charity instead of buying me crap and throwing a party. Best birthday I ever had, and some village in Africa scored a couple goats out of it. Winning
I feel an intense urge to send you a birthday cake. Seriously.
But but of course they exist, how else am I supposed to turn 21 and get wasted?
Oh no... you've never had a birthday party! No no no....I want to send you a birthday cake too! and a goody bag with your favorite cartoon character! EVERYBODY deserves a birthday party!