by, 08-Jan-2014 at 00:33 (415 Views)
I've dealt with anxiety for a while, but only recently has it been mostly alleviated. I spent Christmas with a part of the family that I was basically separated from for years, and there was a really bad cold silence between us all. But, as my oh-so-gracious niece has explained, she chose to get over her anger toward us and to bond with us again...which is wonderful, but there were some discrepancies that concerned me and honestly pissed me off.
Let me explain. On my mom's side, I have two older sisters, R and M. They both have kids of their own; M has three, the relevant one called B, and R has two, and the relevant one here is called E. So, for sake of clarity, R has a son E, and M has a son B.
It was discovered a few years ago that B was hurting E, badly. There were signs in E's behavior that made this apparent, and it led to finding out that B was the one hurting him. This caused a huge rift in the whole family, particularly because of how M handled it (or failed to handle it).
So, even though R's life pretty much fell apart right then and there, what does my mother do? She sides with M, and rejects R. And to this day nothing has changed.
My niece is R's second child, who was completely devastated as well. She ended up hating me, my sisters, my mother and father for not doing the right thing. I personally said nothing about anything, nor did I take sides. But my older sister called R a bitch, and my twin detached like I did. So there's some really good reason for my niece to hate at least some of us, and I'm glad that she's somewhat gracious in her demeanor.
But the thing is she puts herself higher than us for it. She starts out every 'I forgive you' conversation with "I don't blame you, and I know you were naive about this, but..."
Um, what? Naive about what? The fact that this entire disaster in the family hurt me too? Who the fuck am I supposed to be here, the knight in shining armor that comes to give pats on the back for going through pain? I was hurt too, but I deal with it by thinking and feeling things on my own. I have NEVER gone to anyone except my twin sister to talk about anything painful, and I only go to her because she's more or less the same way. I have never gone to my mother because she's been emotionally detached from us our entire life, and I can't go to my father because he doesn't know how to deal with something like this either.
NO ONE KNEW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. But now we're the bad guys for feeling our way out of this hell separate from you? Get off your goddamn pedestal and wake up! I know you went through pain, and I do regret not being there, but please don't tell me that I'm dumb and insensitive.
Not only did she say this, but she had the audacity to describe how she was devastated by my older sister's mental breakdown sometime back, and she gave NO consideration about how I felt about it. She did not once acknowledge the fact that I, too, went through something painful and traumatic like she did. And it only bothered me because she spoke about it after the "I know you were naive" bullshit, otherwise I would have shared my feelings as well. Oh wait, I thought I didn't have any.
I can't keep this to myself. I'm going to tell her in a rational manner.
Why I say it concerned me is because R is going to approach M to hopefully talk things out. We talked this over many times while R visited us for Christmas, and I told her persistently and emphatically that she needs to be at least a little compassionate. While M did pretty much fuck every single one of us over for her negligence, she was going through severe pain as well. When the whole incident between E and B unfolded, M was going through a divorce, and having to deal with the fact that her only son B did some monstrous things to E.
I know she feels guilty, and I know that she will not react well to R showing up at her door. But R says that if M acts out, R will be done. And there will go any hope of salvaging the only thing I love most in this world.
Should M act harmoniously, I only worry about how R will act from then on. R and her daughter, my niece, are playing this mind game that imposes their emotional authority over everyone, and it's so parasitic and discomforting that I don't know if things will be any better if we all work things out.
I'm fucking worried. And this is why I have anxiety.