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neocarbunkle

Failing marriage stress

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I am going through a lot right now. I got married in October to a girl who not only got baptized into my church, but also is totally OK with all of my kinks. I knew she had some mental disorders before we got married but I thought she was just dealing with a lot of marriage stress. Well since getting married she has gotten worse and worse. There are so many problems and I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

It is hard to say exactly what is her disorder, and there are actually a lot of different ones, but the one that is causing the biggest pain for me is the inability for her to control her emotions. If something ticks her off a little bit she will turn into the incredible hulk and just go on a rampage. She has screamed at me, told me she hates me and wants me to die, kicked me, punched me, shoved me, and she even tried to bite me once. She always says that she is sorry afterwords, but I am the one that has to deal with it. She really has no control at all. I can be on the floor crying my eyes out and she will just keep on screaming and hitting me.

She also is indirectly incredibly controlling. If I don't want to wear the shirt that she likes, or I don't want to go to the store when she wants to, she will get more and more upset until she is screaming at the top of her lungs. The only way I have to stop her is to agree to do whatever she says. Again afterwords she will say that was a mistake and that she was sorry, but every single day I have to live as her slave and do exactly what she wants me to do, or else she will scream so loud the police will come.

I think if the roles were reversed, if I was a woman and she was a man, everyone would instantly say "get out of there" or "leave him, that is his problem not yours", but I feel pressure to honor marriage vows and just endure it. I don't want to throw out the good with the bad, but there is just so much more bad than good.

My mental health has taken a hit. I have started to twitch uncontrollably, I have panic attacks with shortness of breath, and sometimes I just cry and cry. I have been diapering up a lot lately and I am wanting to do more AB stuff now.

It's rough.

Comments

  1. Adventurer's Avatar
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. The first thing to remember is that it isn't your fault. It's normal for people in abusive situations (and yes, this is 100% abuse!) to blame themselves. But you've done nothing to justify being physically and emotionally hurt. Even if you were doing something wrong, that still isn't an acceptable response by her.

    Believe me, I get what it's like in that situation. I spent more than two years in a relationship with a controlling, abusive partner. Although the abuse was all verbal/emotional, I know the feelings quite well. Guilt. Anxiety. Desperately wanting to change whatever you have to in order to make it all better. And as a man in the church, like you, I faced those additional lies. You've probably been taught that men need to be leaders and initiators. This line of reasoning makes men in abusive situations feel helpless, like we're not real men if our partner is hurting us. It's incredibly damaging. And it means that few clergy, at least in the evangelical world, take allegations of woman-on-man abuse seriously.

    Normally I believe in trying to make marriage work. But this type of situation is the one exception. Your safety is at risk. If she's prone to becoming violent at little warning, and kicking and beating you, you're at risk of permanent injury. And you're showing signs of mental harm too. This is reversible by getting away from the source of the stress. My symptoms disappeared when I broke it off with my ex, which was good because they'd escalated to self harming by then. I dont want you in that situation too.

    There's only one piece of valid advice: get to safety. Call the police. Find a friend or a relative to stay with. Unless your church has a good record for dealing with abusers, don't involve them. Too many churches sweep this stuff under the rug for the same of their own appearance (I say this as a Christian, sadly). You've been repeatedly assaulted and battered. You have a right to legal protection from the abuser.

    I know, you want to honour your marriage vows. You've been taught thay divorce is evil. But she's already broken the covenant. Did she now vow to love you, protect you, and respect you? She's done none of those things. She has serious needs, absolutely. Seeing the impact of her behavior is the only thing that'll get her to look for real help. Sadly, hurting you isn't enough. Maybe losing you will be. And think of Jesus. He was never one for blind obedience to the law. Ask yourself: if He saw a spouse being battered, hurt, mentally destroyed...what would He say? Do you really think He'd say, "Honor your vows and stay with this person, because the law says not to divorce?" That seems more like the Pharisees to me. I think He'd offer that spouse a safe place, and rebuke the abuser. I think He's concerned with the health of His sheep, not blind obedience.

    Get to a safe place, notify police, and protect yourself. Please, for the sake of your health and safety. Please let us know what happens!
  2. Maxx's Avatar
    My sympathies. I can appreciate your commitment to honoring your vows. Beyond that, I can't offer much in the way of advice.

    Closest thing I can offer from my experience is my daughter. She got pretty....volatile during her teen years. There were times I wondered if I'd wake up with a knife in my back. We did call the police a couple times when she got too physical with her mother, and ultimately felt it necessary for our own sanity and safety to give her the boot at 18.

    I think raging hormones had a lot to do with it. Eventually she got herself sorted, and 20 years later she's married with a couple teenage sons, working, and at night working toward her masters degree.

    I'd have thought it was us, except that her younger brother turned out to be no problem at all. Or maybe he learned something from her issues.

    I can't judge from afar whether your wife is likely to settle down with time, or even if you're contributing to the problem in some way. Its possible that there are mental issues (like bipolar disorder) that can be successfully managed with medication. All I can say is, if you're going to get out, do it now before there's kids involved.
  3. Frogsy's Avatar
    It's absolutely possible for men to be abused by women, neo. It's not talked about as much, but it happens very often. I think you're a person being abused right now, and I think it would be a good idea to get yourself away and to safety. I know it's not that easy. There's a million details we don't see that you know about and we don't. Maybe money, maybe the memories that you hold on to because they're nice. Maybe the sex is great. Those are just some things you're going to have to deal with. You can find all that and far, far more good to hold on to with a better, loving, supportive partner. The good in this particular situation won't outweigh the bad. You're paying way too high a price for whatever few good memories you're collecting.

    I don't know if I'd wait around for a change. Usually in abusive relationships of any kind, it tends to escalate more and more. You are more prone to self-esteem issues and self-doubt, she is more prone to anger even more quickly and violently while using your low self-esteem to her advantage. You get "better" at doing whatever she wants and hating yourself, and she gets "better" at making you feel absolutely worthless. You both go sliding your separate ways (powerful vs powerless) until, sometimes in the worst case scenarios, she would have 100% control over you. You will feel trapped - even more than you do right now. In fact, honestly, every day you stay in this relationship it will be a little tiny bit more difficult to leave. This builds up over time, too, so that you may not be able to escape without significant help and/or getting the authorities involved.

    When I left after four years in an abusive relationship, I had to call the police because I was caught escaping. I thought I'd die for sure, and I remember it was one of the most terrifying nights of my life. He tried to convince the police I had schizophrenia in order to have me committed to a mental hospital (because, as he said himself, if he couldn't have me, no one could.) Luckily the police must have seen through this plan, and/or could tell I didn't have any serious mental illness besides anxiety, because they let me leave and seemed to stay behind with him in order to give me a head start. I thought I was being followed the whole time, and hardly had enough money for both gas and food. (I wasn't allowed my own money, you see! I 'stole' cash from cashing a check someone gave me as a holiday gift.) I made it to safety after driving for 16 hours through the night to one of the only friends I had left that he hadn't take away from me. By that time, he'd systemically removed all (but one) friendships, family, and any ability to make friends in the area we moved to.

    The above is one of the better experiences people have when leaving. Sad but true. It can get so much worse. Some people end up losing their lives due to homicide or suicide. So try your best to come up with a good plan. There are resources out there for you. Try this: Help for Abused Men: Escaping domestic violence by women or domestic partners -- and get out soon - the sooner the better/easier. It won't be easy, though, no matter what, so seriously plan this like you've never planned before. This was my mistake, if it helps: I made a mix-CD because I didn't have an iPod for the car and knew I'd be on a very long journey. The second he noticed this, I was doomed. So always do your plans when she's gone and don't make the mistake I did!

    You could choose to stay in this relationship if you really want to. The choice is yours. But picturing the way it is now, and realize that in 99% of abusive relationships, it will only get worse instead of better. There will be sorry's and presents but only at the price of severe abuse beforehand. It's not your fault this happened; it happens to the best of us. But please, please, I urge you to leave.
  4. littlelodgewrecker's Avatar
    you have had all the good advice in the world;
    the one simple thing that i would add is this....
    have you thought of having your spouse checked for drugs, or a drug addiction?
  5. neocarbunkle's Avatar
    I really thank you all for your advice. I hope I didn't paint my wife as something that she isn't. It is more like she is the hulk. When she gets like that all she knows is "smash smash smash". Afterwords she will usually apologize for it.

    I have yet to tell her "I am thinking about divorce" because she is by herself right now and I want to wait until her mother comes to visit so that she can have some emotional support, but I think she knows that our relationship is in serious danger.

    I talked to my bishop and some close friends and their advice was, if she really can't or won't change, then you should end it. She really wants to change, she is constantly reminded that in many ways she is unable to live a normal life and it really hurts her.

    If she can change, it isn't going to be just by force of will, it is going to take something more. I don't know what that is though, or when it is going to happen. It is like what a lot of you said, it is only going to get harder to get out of the relationship. If there is no happy ending then I am better to get out sooner than later.

    I can however be sure that she is not on drugs, my wife can't even go grocery shopping by herself, there is no way that she could figure out how to get drugs.
  6. Adventurer's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by neocarbunkle
    I really thank you all for your advice. I hope I didn't paint my wife as something that she isn't. It is more like she is the hulk. When she gets like that all she knows is "smash smash smash". Afterwords she will usually apologize for it.

    I have yet to tell her "I am thinking about divorce" because she is by herself right now and I want to wait until her mother comes to visit so that she can have some emotional support, but I think she knows that our relationship is in serious danger.

    I talked to my bishop and some close friends and their advice was, if she really can't or won't change, then you should end it. She really wants to change, she is constantly reminded that in many ways she is unable to live a normal life and it really hurts her.

    If she can change, it isn't going to be just by force of will, it is going to take something more. I don't know what that is though, or when it is going to happen. It is like what a lot of you said, it is only going to get harder to get out of the relationship. If there is no happy ending then I am better to get out sooner than later.

    I can however be sure that she is not on drugs, my wife can't even go grocery shopping by herself, there is no way that she could figure out how to get drugs.
    I know it's got to be incredibly hard for you. Getting yourself to safety is the right thing to do, for sure. It sounds like her problems are taking over her whole life, and that's the point at which she needs outside help from a professional. This is more than a regular person can deal with, especially if they're being actively hurt. It's hard, but leaving for the sake of your safety is the right thing to do. And it may be the spark that convinces her to seek help.

    Please don't wait a long time for this. Make your preparations and get to a safe place. With someone who is volatile, you never know what's going to end up happening. And please keep us posted on what happens! My prayers are with you. I'm hoping for a safe outcome!
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