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Sort of a New Year's thing...

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I've never been one for New Years' resolutions, but I see why people make them. Yes, it's just a change in the calendar but it is a symbolic point where people can use as a reference, sort of a jumping off point.

I'm 41 years old now, and the last few years of my life have been rather chaotic. Chaos isn't necessarily bad, I admit, it can be fun sometimes, but prior to this I had an orderly type of life with structure and routine, and it seems like once I moved from my safe little zone a few years back, I haven't been able to go a couple months without some major fucking bullshit ruining everything I strive for.

I'm not going to repeat the list, just read back on my timeline to see it all. Or read some of my notes. The point is, my husband and I have been trying like hell to create some order out of the chaos, to gain some footing of certainty so we can actually plan for the future instead of living day to day or week to week. It seems like things are finally starting to take hold and that scares me because usually, that's when something comes along and wrecks things. Even when things are going well, I am caught in a constant cycle of worry and doubt because I'm always trying to anticipate the next kick in the nuts so I can minimize the damage at the very least.

It's time to change this, because no matter what, I can't ever guess correctly. I'm never going to move ahead in life if I am paralyzed with worry about what might happen. Something is always going to happen, and I can only do the best I can to not bring about that occurrence by not putting myself in positions where I am vulnerable to them. Even still, life is risk. I have to drive, for example, so I am always at risk of getting in an accident- so I have to remember to be more careful every day behind the wheel. I could just stay in my house and never leave, but that's not living, and it doesn't pay the bills.

I can also be more proactive in doing things that improve my life instead of the false sense of order that comes from meaningless, pointless activities. For example, political arguing on social media. Has it ever really changed anyone's mind? Or does it just give the writer a sense of smugness that they are right and everyone else is wrong, and a false sense of accomplishment to go with it? Why spend an hour arguing with someone who will never be convinced no matter how strong your point is when I could be playing guitar? Or getting some exercise? Or even doing some routine house cleaning? Throw on a record and pick a room and go, it's amazing what you can actually get done in an hour, and you feel far more accomplished than you do after an hour of futile online catfighting.

This isn't a new revelation for me. I've been trying to nudge myself away from negativity and into more positive territory for a while. I had a setback with my car accident last month but- I seem to have overcome this one a lot easier and I believe it's in part because prior to it, I had already started to shift my thinking and try to put myself in a better place. I was practicing guitar every day, writing some new stuff, working on pre-production for my band's upcoming album, getting my hubby's car fixed and ready for inspection- which I was still able to get done despite my accident and having horrific bronchitis which I am still not 100% over.

I also had a lot of personal epiphanies, much of which I won't get into as they wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. I grew closer to a lot of my current friends, reconnected with some older friends I hadn't heard from in a long time, and made lots of new ones too. I've given and received a lot of love, advice, and help. These relationships mean way the hell more to me than I can even relate, and I am humbled and privileged to have such people in my life.

So, I am not making resolutions, because it shouldn't be just one day a year that we resolve to improve our lives and the lives of those around us. That should be every day. However, I am using New Year's Day 2014 as that symbolic point to express my desire to change and improve, and to better handle the adversity that life will always present me with. These past couple years I've come to realize that I am not alone, that we're all struggling somehow, and that even though we are we can always help each other out, even if it's just to provide encouragement or do something nice for someone that makes them smile. That's what I want to do- make other people feel some sense of happiness, amusement, or even peace. Because it's what I want, something to help me carve out a little bit of order in the midst of all the chaos. A little bit of shelter from the storm. That's what I am going to strive for today and every day from hereon in, and if I fail, I have to try again. I've wasted too much time being cynical, negative, and reactive. I have no graceful way to end this, so I'll just quit while I am eight paragraphs ahead.


  1. Marka's Avatar

    You are seeing more of what I have believed of you! I'm glad, and thankful, and appreciative to have you as a friend here...and if we could ever...face to face too!

    I think that you are definitely on the 'right' path...I'm quite certain (in a non-cynical way) that you will encounter plenty more trying this rate, I think that you'll come to appreciate those times too!

    Best wishes, and Happy New Year!
    -Marka - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.