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kerry

little time

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I've been absolutely unable to find any time during the day to indulge my Little side of late. I mean not even ten minutes. I did spend a week wearing nothing but Bambinos because I ran out of Tena Slip Maxis, so at least I could pretend a small indulgence, but even while little Kerry was smiling, I was still the adult doing my adult-y things. Just doing them in a Bellissimo. And all of this, of course, at a time when I am feeling more and more in need of Little time: the holidays are not stressful enough, the endgame of the semester is not stressful enough, but add to that a death in the family and dealing with my own unexpectedly difficult reaction to it and my son's expected hardships, I need to escape for a while.

There is, however, simply no time. None.

Except...

I've been allowing myself more and more to become Little at night. Ever since I told my husband about Kerry, I have reveled in the freedom of not having to hide. He wants to help, wants to take part, but as I have said before he really does not know how; his indulgences come in the form of smiles and acceptant conversation. Mine? I now own two Nuk-7 pacis and use them almost every night. I have three wonderful plushies, gifts from my son who was purging some of the mountain of stuffed animals from his room after his loss: a three foot polar bear (so soft!) I named Snowy, a black and orange cat (Blackie) and a little black and brown dog (Ruff Ruff). (Yes, I was 3 when I named them. It was on a completely broken day, a day when the world was falling apart and the sky was opening up and threatening to swallow me and I needed to do something or melt so I took the animals into my college aged daughter's empty room and decided: this will be my "nursery" when I need one and just...played with them for about two hours. It was a thing I had truly never done before. I needed it so much...)

In addition, my nighttime indulgences have recently added footy pajamas from AwwSoCute (along with their onesie too). I've worn those jammies downstairs as well, despite their nursery-type snaps and print. Only my son is home, and he is not out of his basement apartment much these days, so I don't feel too much in jeopardy. I can always say that I wanted that style for the cold weather but needed the snaps for diaper changes and thus was stuck with the prints. Not really unbelievable. Anyway...

So I sleep at night hugging Snowy, with Ruff Ruff and Blackie at my head, reaching out and petting my real kitties, while wearing my pink footie jammies with blue elephants and sucking a paci. I am in my own universe, tuned out from this one with foam earplugs, imagining something better. It may not ever come, but if it does, I sure hope it comes at night.

I don't have any time during the day.

kerry
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  1. Frogsy's Avatar
    I think your solution of little time at night is a great one. We have to work with what we're given, after all. More time will come to indulge. Perhaps this holiday break? At the very least, I know you probably get a long summer break as a teacher!

    Love the idea of a 3-foot-long teddy bear. That must really make you feel so small when you hold it! So cute! And you sound just as cozy and cute as can be in your jammies with your paci, petting the kitties!

    Things must be so difficult right now, with what just recently happened, the loss of your very young daughter-in-law. It must feel like you need more little time than ever before. I know, when I get stressed out, it really does help so much. It seems to make the world a safe place again, at least in that time. So yeah, I hope you have extra time this break to indulge a bit because you need love and healing and something that helps make the world more sensible. It's kind of crazy that dressing up like a toddler is what makes our worlds sensible, but I guess that's just how ABs work.
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