by, 22-Nov-2013 at 05:38 (1188 Views)
This is one of those "wow, where have I been?" moments.
I've noticed that I get a kick out of acting like I'm a god or something. I notice that I type like I am, and I notice that I tend to think that I am. I feel like I'm better than everyone else around me, and I'm fairly certain that this narcissism comes from how I dealt with my sad life a year ago.
I wanted to be alone, and I held it to everyone's throats. I STILL think they betrayed me in some weird illusive convolution, but in all reality, I said "screw you" to everyone I knew, and withdrew.
Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't like most of my friends anyway, and apparently no one else did. They were stuck up assholes who picked and chose who was cool and who wasn't in high school. They liked me, but whenever I wanted to have good times with them, they ignored me. I thought I was the only one who thought this, but apparently the entire GRADE below us didn't like them either.
So after I left everyone, I was obviously alone, for the most part. Now, I tend to say I let them know that I felt sad and that they didn't care, but in all reality, I told NO ONE how I felt, not even my parents, even though this was mostly an internal affair. And I held in all the pain because I felt like I had to hold an image for other people, as has been the case for my entire school career, excepting college.
And now, I'm angry. I don't usually notice that I'm angry because I try to cover it up with either happiness or narcissism, hence the I-am-a-god connotation of all my words. The sadness was so hard to display toward other people that I would have rather been angry with strangers and friends alike. The loneliness was so hard to bear, but I blamed everyone but myself for letting it stay that way.
I realize now that I'm human, and that everyone else is. I'm no different from anyone. And it's this fact, that I'm not the only special person in this world, that makes me feel...free. It's so weird how this metaphysical paradox turns itself on you; when you feel and act like a god, it's usually a sign that you're not, and that you're actually at a lower place than everyone else around you.
Now, I think I'm mostly okay. I want to become a god because I know there is none out there. But in order to truly become a god, I have to let go of my pedestal and live the pain, like every other god that walks this planet.