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In the silence...

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I always hate getting so poetic with my ideas and expressions, because they seem a little too romantic sometimes. But this is something that really can't be expressed in any other way.

I notice that, when you have a chance to just shut the f*ck up and take in what's around you, you tend to see things as being much more beautiful than normal. I've been through hell and back with my psychosomatic sister, hoping that she wouldn't kill herself...and now that the threat is over, I can see just how beautiful it really is.

When you strip yourself of all your pretense and ideals, and sit and lie in whatever may be left behind, it's a wonderful thing, because you open up to yourself. I don't know about anyone else, but when something is on my mind, I tend to get into this weird daydream mode, where I'm not truly conscious of anything I do. When I address whatever's nagging at my mind, I release it all in one fell swoop of raging emotion, and at that point I sit in silence.

It's a time like this, in the calm after the storm, that I see things in retrospect. It's not even explicable in mere words. I just get this sense of being a wonderful, caring creature, and I realize that no matter how angry I get at someone, and no matter how much sadness I pen up and then deal with, I just love. Existence itself is an expression of love. And I see these people going through their lives, and all their misfortunes and sadness, and I just love it. Not in a sadomasochistic way...I am amazed at the experience of these phenomena called pain and healing. It's just wonderful.

When you're going through something, it's hell, but when you're out and on the other side, you're grateful for where you've been. The process of healing is never pretty on the outside, but...healing is pure light. I literally get a sense of live color when I think of crying, just flowing through everything, including myself.

I wish I could express this a little more's completely relevant to this site because I realized just how wonderful it is to be an AB/DL. It's a gift to bring with you a purity that no one else can offer. We always want to look away from the fact that we like things that kids associate with...but it's much deeper than that. I think the missing link here is that aspect of love that I mention. Sexuality is made of the same color-stuff as crying is, and when we cry, we mend the bonds that tie us to our younger selves, thus completing the picture on a whole. Many people shy away from this fact because we're supposed to be "adults" and we're supposed to do and not think about or question what we do. But we, the people of AB/DL, know otherwise. We WANT to bring ourselves back to the past, so that we can remember who we are as human beings, creatures of love and light. We want so badly to step away from the stigma that we're not right in the ways of sexuality...but it's all the same, people! Sexuality is love, this is love, we are love...embrace it!

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