by, 07-Nov-2013 at 05:11 (311 Views)
I'm at a place with my fetish that I've been to countless times, and that I can never seem to override.
This fetish is most confusing for me because I know that humans, be it man or woman, are here because of sex. No matter what your spiritual background may be, it's common sense that one of the most important aspects of being alive is becoming one with the your second half. Whether you want love involved or not is up to you, but it's still important to engage with your animal body, and the animal body of another.
So then why does my body like diapers?? I've always divided my sexual understanding between women and diapers, but the same sexual urge is engaged by both of them. Hence, I become really confused when my urge to wear diapers comes up.
I've explored this as much as I could on a mental level, even a spiritual level, but I cannot deny that this is a physical occurrence. And that's the part that gets to me...I want to engage my sexuality with someone I care for so that all the levels of connection are there, but I DON'T want to engage it with some dead weight strapped to my waist.
Not only that, but I'm still a little too scarred from my experience with my suicidal sister to really want to let anyone in. I attracted social anxiety after being fearful for my sister's life every day, and I took that fear out with me to school and other social gatherings of different sorts. I still don't have a general trust for anyone, except for one individual who I knew of in high school, and who I recently starting chatting with after class.
But even that isn't going anywhere emotionally because she doesn't want it to. I've thought about my intentions of talking to her, and I realize that I just wanted to make a friend, and she gave off a lonely vibe. So I thought, "hey, let's be lonely and awkward together, and maybe we'll learn about ourselves."
The problem is that I cannot get her to talk about anything personal at all, and it's probably due to the fact that she has a boyfriend. But I don't want to steal her or anything, I just want to earn her trust. Around here in the Bible Belt, most women don't know what the fuck it means to have a male friend who isn't interested in sex, and neither do most of the men. I won't lie, she is attractive, but I doubt I would ever act on any urges, simply because I KNOW they're not how I truly feel about her. She's just a chick who's as discontent with life as I am, and I want to explore that similarity more. And I know she wants a friend...it's an intuitive gut feeling I got every time I saw her.
I've been told to be patient and to let it grow...but damn it, I've been through too much to wait any longer for an opportunity to connect with a woman like this. I haven't had a single female friend since I moved here, and back when I did, it was fantastic! I just want to reestablish a connection like that with someone who wants it, but the more I try the more I fail. Damn this town!