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Flown The Coop

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During the Vietnam war, a general was to have said "In order to save the village we had to destroy it" - it would sum up the same as my relationship with my mother and brother, only I don't think there's ever been much to save but my sanity.

I screwed up - I got tired of the putdowns, being talked about like I wasn't even in the room, the being constantly accused of lying, the being taken advantage of financially and emotionally, the insinuations that my best would never be good enough for them, the being told directly and indirectly that anything good in my life was because of them and everything bad I brought on myself. But I screwed up several times before when I had the chances to set my life on a more positive course and squandered the opportunities every time I went back because I believed them when they said they were sorry. I screwed up when I stopped pretending not to hear their mouths spewing forth from blackened hearts I could go on all night about all the times I internalized everything that I knew in my heart was wrong, that people who supposedly love each other would never tell their children and siblings.

I managed to hurl myself right over one of the highest walls of fear I've ever encountered in my life, I did it, I broke free yet at the same time I'm overcome by fear of the uinknown and guilt. Logically I know; why should I be the one to feel giulty when the responsibilty of why I am no longer there rests solely on them?. Doesn't diminsh the amount of heartache in the least though does it
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  1. FaennaJo's Avatar
    Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. There's not much worse than toxic families.

    Don't be afraid to take the time you need to grieve. A lot has been damaged; some has been destroyed. Whatever future relationship you have with them has been altered forever by their abuse, and your childhood and life with them surely has as well... and it's OK to feel horrible and sad about that. It is o.k. to feel what you feel.

    Transitions of any kind are really super hard, and it sounds like you're in the middle of a huge one. It isn't surprising you feel so conflicted; it seems you've "made the leap" into freedom, and that is a huge dramatic change. I am exactly right there too these days, and buddy, it is hard. It is terrifying. The only thing that makes it worthwhile is the fact that ... when you have waited with the fear and worked through the guilt and the shame and sadness... suddenly, one day, you realize you are in the middle of your life now. And, while it can be paralyzingly scary at first, after a while you cross into this mindset that ... hey, I can do what I want. Really. I can just decide to, maybe, follow the things that are important to me. I can start having a life now. I can do things because I want to do them. And I don't have to do anything that falls outside of that category. (What a concept!)

    That's where I am, too, after the most horrific few days of wishing someone would tell me what to do, how to think, what to say to myself. No one did. I made it through. I realized there are still little things I want to do every day, things that make me happy. I started doing them ... and then it occurred to me, mysteriously ... that things are going to be OK.

    There is life on the other side. But it's also important to be patient with yourself, and just be where you're at, and give your feelings a listening ear -- because it takes time to move from "here" to "there." ADISC makes a lovely calm space to talk it out when you need to, and I'm glad you can.

    I hope you're able to calm down enough to rest, and get centered and grounded. You're going to be all right. Everything you need is there, inside you and around you, if you know how to look for it. And your life is going to be awesome, my friend. Hang in there.
  2. Adventurer's Avatar
    You did it! Honestly, based on... literally everything I've ever seen from you about your family, I think you're making the right decision. You can't change the mind of someone who refuses to change. And freeing yourself from that responsibility is one of the best things you can do! Also, I just wanted to briefly say that it isn't your fault what happened. No matter what the situation, even if you somehow did something to cause this, you don't deserve to be emotionally hurt. You're not at fault here, and I think your doing the right thing leaving the source of the abuse.

    There are lots of wonderful things you can do with your newfound freedom. Use it well, and remember that you've got friends on here to come back to!
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