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MattiKins

Being honest and being a dick- there is a difference.

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When I was young, I thought it was really cool to be blunt, to have "no filter" and just say whatever popped into my head, regardless of whether or not anyone requested my input. Usually, I was just being a jerk, looking for a reaction. In today's terms I would have been a troll. As I've grown older, I've realized that there are ways to be honest with people without being rude or insensitive. There are ways to offer criticism without sounding like a total asshole. There are ways to be supportive of somebody even if you have a different viewpoint.

1. Never offer your advice unless you're asked for it. Or, if you have a nugget of wisdom that is so amazing that you feel the need to tell them and it must be said, private message them or talk to them in person if you can.

2. If nothing is going to stop you from offering your opinion, try not to state it in a condescending, arrogant manner. For some reason, people don't like feeling like they're being kicked while they're down. They don't like being lectured about all the things they should have done or things they have yet to do. I'm sure somebody who is feeling down is already criticizing themselves quite enough. Nobody liked Brainy Smurf. Don't be Brainy Smurf.

3. Don't assume that your advice is some magical cure all for what someone else is going through. For all you know, they may have considered or even attempted the advice you're about to give them, and depending on how that advice is delivered, it can come off as self-righteous. If your real goal is to help someone out, acting like everything you do is always right isn't very helpful.

4. Lastly, offering unsolicited advice and being rude and judgmental in the process is not being honest, and its not being "blunt". It's not even "keeping it real". It's just being a dick. Being a dick and then holding out your arms like, "what, I was just being honest" when the person you're pontificating to lashes back at you makes one look even more like a dick. Again, one can offer advice- even advice that someone may not want to hear- without being top-heavy, without talking down to someone, and without smashing them just for the sake of showing everyone how correct they are.

I hope this helps... someone. Anyone. Be excellent to each other.

Comments

  1. Marka's Avatar
    Reality can be harsh for certain...rarely does honesty need to be brutal though... let alone terribly subjective...

    Querying or sounding, in an open forum...is at-least implied, if not explicit solicitation... However, not everyone need apply at every instance.

    I understand some of the concerns with wishing to set things 'correct', but 'strong-arming' an opinion is likely to detract from getting things ironed out...

    Coddling? No... Civility? Yes please!

    Hostilities tend to only further entrench those myopic or narrow views of others...and being narrow in one's own opinion, tends to prove to those who may be misguided... that they are correct in being narrow-minded themselves...

    You might win the 'tug-o-war', but all you have proven is your might, and your persistence...it doesn't educate, nor does it help...

    This is Marka...and I approve this message.

    Vote "NO" on being a 'dick'...
    -Marka
  2. KuroCat's Avatar
    No one seems to notice unless I'm blunt. Much easier that way

    By the by, you're giving advice no one asked for, as #1 states not to, and #4 is pretty "blunt" about the person being a "dick," which you also stated not to do.

    :|

    As free human beings we have the right to express ourselves in our own personal way. The way it is perceived varies from person to person. If we like to be blunt about things and offer our point of view even when not prompted (mind you this is the internet where most of these posts are open for everyone to discuss) it's all fine. people keep saying things like "don't like the thread, then don't comment." Well what about "don't like the comment? Don't reply."
  3. giantguy99's Avatar
    good advice Mattikins! it's nice to see someone who actually knows what they are actually saying instead of just criticizing your every move! we could use more people like you in this world. i also agree with you on your emphasis on using CONSTRUCTIVE criticism over just criticism. i mean a few days ago i vaguely remember telling somebody about that i think. yeah i agree with you Mattikins we are not a hugbox but we ARE a support community.i was to harsh even if well intentioned once and i got hurt a lot for that. it's nice to see someone who actually knows what they are talking about in regards to this everyone should see this.
  4. MattiKins's Avatar
    KC, you might think that this was a coded message to you but it's not. This originated from a thread on my Facebook wall and it got me thinking about the way I used to be when I first got started online and how I have personally evolved. Now, again, I don't think you're a dumb person, KC. You know what I am talking about. Writing a general blog post is not adressing one person the way I described, and you'll note that I never said being blunt = being a dick, so I don't believe I've contradicted myself.

    Of course you have the right to comment as you please. If you don't care how people react and perceive you then I guess it's all good. Maybe as I get older, I like to think I'm a little wiser and see more value in bringing others around to my views through discussion and understanding, rather than smashing them and alienating them completely.

    To answer your last query, if a topic is made generally, one has the option to get involved for not. For example, the topic that contains "messy diaper" in the title should probably be avoided by people who are disgusted by them. Going into the thread and complaining about the topic is, well, why would you? But when someone replies directly to you, it's an invite to a reply. If somebody addresses you or your points in a hostile, combative manner, then that is inviting a similar tone in the reply.

    My whole point is, we don't have to be nasty to each other. All of us, not just you and me. And not just on the internet. I like a good, spirited discussion, debate, even outright disagreements. I hate it when it turns personal. I'm no saint, I've gone nasty on people, usually after I feel I've been attacked, but even that isn't really the course I should take. Anyway, battery is dying... more later.
    Updated 22-Oct-2013 at 17:00 by MattiKins (spelling and typos)
  5. KuroCat's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by MattiKins
    KC, you might think that this was a coded message to you but it's not. This originated from a thread on my Facebook wall and it got me thinking about the way I used to be when I first got started online and how I have personally evolved. Now, again, I don't think you're a dumb person, KC. You know what I am talking about. Writing a general blog post is not adressing one person the way I described, and you'll note that I never said being blunt = being a dick, so I don't believe I've contradicted myself.

    Of course you have the right to comment as you please. If you don't care how people react and perceive you then I guess it's all good. Maybe as I get older, I like to think I'm a little wiser and see more value in bringing others around to my views through discussion and understanding, rather than smashing them and alienating them completely.

    To answer your last query, if a topic is made generally, one has the option to get involved for not. For example, the topic that contains "messy diaper" in them should probably be avoided by people who are disgusted by them. Going into the thread and complaining about the topic is, well, why would you? But wheb someone replies directly to you, it's an invite to a reply. If somebody addresses you or your points in a hostile, combative manner, then that is inviting a similar tone in the reply.

    My whole point is, we don't have to be nasty to each other. All of us, not just you and me. And not just on the internet. I like a good, spirited discussion, debate, even outright disagreements. I hate it when it turns personal. I'm no saint, I've gone nasty on people, usually after I feel I've been attacked, but even that isn't really the course I should take. Anyway, battery is dying... more later.
    Nope, never thought this was directed towards me.

    But you sort of did contradict yourself, not that it's inheritantly bad, I was merely pointing it out because I figured it was unintentional. Most people miss details and tones of things they write themselves, and I was pointing it out in case you had missed it.
  6. acorn's Avatar
    I will not offer anything here to the OP as he stated that he did not wish unsolicited correspondence of any description. My private thoughts are, he could have PMed his feelings to those he wished to communicate with, alas he does not live by his own rules - apparently they are written for mere mortals like myself. Previous postings of the OP convinced me he has a very sharp mind, so Im inclined to suspect that his cat has gained access to his ADISC account, for MattiKins is much better than that.

    There you have my response to the OP. I see you have subsequently posted for clarity, but I can't but help feel I'm still communicating with a ferile feline.

    Wait till [URL="https://www.adisc.org/forum/members/mattikins.html"]MattiKins[/URL] gets home.
  7. giantguy99's Avatar
    with all due respect but why is it contradictory? i mean it's true we have a CHOICE to not even post on this blog do we not? as for details Mattikins probably knew that this was going to happen and well he is practicing what he preaches. in fact i see little of that going on here. i know that you do not agree with this statement but that does not change the truth. what is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right. i could in theory say a lot of things about say people trying to undermine what is going on but that would only put people on the defensive and that defeats the purpose of this blog.
  8. MattiKins's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by KuroCat
    Nope, never thought this was directed towards me.
    C'mon, not even a little?



    But you sort of did contradict yourself, not that it's inheritantly bad, I was merely pointing it out because I figured it was unintentional. Most people miss details and tones of things they write themselves, and I was pointing it out in case you had missed it.
    I addressed and explained why it wasn't contradictory, though. Expressing an opinion is not necessarily offering advice. I am not addressing any person in particular on their own thread, nor am I being nasty or rude towards anyone.
  9. MattiKins's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by acorn
    I will not offer anything here to the OP as he stated that he did not wish unsolicited correspondence of any description.
    What I said was that I don't think it's proper to go into someone's thread or interact with someone on a thread and offer unsolicited ADVICE in a sneering, condescending, arrogant manner. If I didn't want ANY correspondence then I wouldn't be an active member on message boards and social media.



    My private thoughts are, he could have PMed his feelings to those he wished to communicate with, alas he does not live by his own rules - apparently they are written for mere mortals like myself.
    I wasn't addressing any one person specifically. As I said, it's a general trend I've noticed, and one that in the past I've been just as guilty of engaging in. Now, I am aware that sometimes I do step outside of my own boundaries, we all do, but this isn't an example of that.



    Previous postings of the OP convinced me he has a very sharp mind, so Im inclined to suspect that his cat has gained access to his ADISC account, for MattiKins is much better than that.

    There you have my response to the OP. I see you have subsequently posted for clarity, but I can't but help feel I'm still communicating with a ferile feline.

    Wait till MattiKins gets home.
    My cat would probably do something like that if he could type or speak any other word besides "meow", but no, I don't think there was any contradiction inherent in the original post because I wasn't making a veiled swipe at anyone in particular. Even KC, who I've had some pretty ugly spats with on the forum. I'm not a passive-aggressive person.
  10. acorn's Avatar
    LOL. :laugh:
  11. MattiKins's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by acorn
    LOL.
    What made you laugh?
  12. prettybaby's Avatar
    I actually thought this was a really good post.

    I know I have made that mistake before, my intentions are always good, but I am sure there are times where I have come off as condescending or just made the person annoyed at me when I am trying to help them.

    It's a good thing to always be trying to improve on how you communicate with someone, and not come off as a know-it-all. I know I am always trying to look at ways I can improve. Even on this forum, I have moments where I stare at my post before pressing that "post" button, and I get nervous because I am hoping they will know my heart was in the right place, and that I have not overstepped any boundaries.

    Anyways, thanks for your thoughts I think you have some good perspective on this, it's something I am going to think about
  13. MattiKins's Avatar
    Aiyee. This is what I didn't want. Accept, I think you overreacted to Acorn's post. I took no offense at his words when he speculated that my kitteh somehow got onto my page and posted in my stead.

    Now I will address the other side of this issue. While nobody should deliberately be a dick to another person, especially without reason, we should always check ourselves to make sure we're not being hypersensitive and taking something the wrong way. Notice that instead of replying defensively to his "LOL", I just asked what he found funny. I appreciate you coming to my defense earlier, but now we're reporting people? Nothing said in this blog or the replies were issues worthy of a moderator's attention. Even KuroCat and I had a nice, civil discourse for a change. I hope you didn't report him for what he said here, as nothing he said was hostile or rude in the least.

    Please, everyone. Cacao. Settle down. Be excellent to each other.
  14. giantguy99's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by MattiKins
    Aiyee. This is what I didn't want. Accept, I think you overreacted to Acorn's post. I took no offense at his words when he speculated that my kitteh somehow got onto my page and posted in my stead.

    Now I will address the other side of this issue. While nobody should deliberately be a dick to another person, especially without reason, we should always check ourselves to make sure we're not being hypersensitive and taking something the wrong way. Notice that instead of replying defensively to his "LOL", I just asked what he found funny. I appreciate you coming to my defense earlier, but now we're reporting people? Nothing said in this blog or the replies were issues worthy of a moderator's attention. Even KuroCat and I had a nice, civil discourse for a change. I hope you didn't report him for what he said here, as nothing he said was hostile or rude in the least.

    Please, everyone. Cacao. Settle down. Be excellent to each other.

    well at least i can use myself as a perfect example on what NOT to do then. i apologize of course and i did ask to to NOT have this thread closed as well no matter what happens to any of us. at any rate i will answer for my mistake and i will be more mindful in the future. i did check myself but i was tired and out of it too i just thought i could handle it and well i was wrong.
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