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need to tell you more about my past so i can get advice about certain things as well as stress relief

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i never really learned to accept who and what i am in all honesty until recently last week(and yes i see the irony in regards to my name). in fact i might very well be an AB who wants to be a caretaker and just not know it yet as i am still learning about myself. the reason for this is quite a long story but it all ties into my past(i'm 36 now). i know that i have autism(aspergers) but i was diagnosed with this in 2009 when i was 32. the fact of the matter was while there was nothing wrong with me fundamentally when i was born with this it would take work to prevent it from becoming a problem. but how do you work on something that needs it when your not even aware of or understand what this aspect of yourself is? you don't. i was placed in special education classes at an early age because the teachers did not know how to handle me this was in the 80's and autism was not well understood yet. mom and dad however knew i was smart and felt that i handle mainstream classes they where PARTIALLY right i could handle it on a ACADEMIC basis only not a social one. i do not think like a average person and to top it off i have little real fear of things that any regular person would be scared off. other people are afraid of this aspect of me when i finally got into mainstream classes in middle school. i was totally naive and vulnerable to the cruelty of other's in a way that is just tragic. it was like being conditioned from birth to be the perfect victim by the time i got exposed to this way of thinking. even now i only vaguely remember the abuse i had to endure without help from anyone because i was simply unable to try to get to know anyone. this led to a level of depression that only got worse over the next 15 years. mom and dad never helped either as mom thought i was just a free loader who wanted to be taken care of and not have responsibilities so she tried to show me "tough love" i was hurting so much that i never went to talk to her about anything at all including the only form of stress relief i found and that was just wearing and using a diaper. mom never knew exactly what was going on as i deliberately kept her in the dark about it because she had violated my trust in her. i was not even diagnosed properly with depression at that time although people knew i had it. i was misdiagnosed with ADD or attention deficit disorder. and for lack of a better word i lived in a dungeon throughout most of my life until i graduated from high school.

my plan was to simply get a better job and move out and live a "normal" life never knowing that is not how things worked after all i had been through. i had a job at a fast food restaurant and since i was living at home all i had to do with that money was save it for a car and for paying for classes to become a certified welder fabricator through a adult education class at a vocational school. by the time i was 19 i moved out and away from the abuse for the first time and i was at peace with myself never knowing the storm that was to come next. i knew i had a breaking point from all this stress what i did not know was my plan to simply survive and get away from it all by moving out was not going to work. i was still not diagnosed with autism at this time and never really tried to seek out treatment because i thought i would be fine. well when i kept going from one job to another i realized something else was amiss as i kept having trouble HOLDING a job. this in of itself was not the real problem this was the AGGRAVATING circumstances. the real problem was i never understood that my happiness did matter until recently. now i never could put this in words until today because it simply did not occur to me on how to do so but i had a vague or naive understanding of this before i even knew what a AB/DL was until literally last week.

i was back in college trying to get an associates degree in accounting when i got betrayed again. what happened was i had gotten sick from a nasty case of food poisoning from a pizza(it was the sausage) and it turned out to be some bug that attacks the nervous system. this was during finals month. this thing made me so ill i was having moderately severe hallucinations and went to the doctor to get fixed up. i was so messed up on this bug that month i failed some of my tests. in order to be eligible for government financial assistance you need to maintain a certain GPA. i was living in a dormitory at the time which was my place of residence when i filed a special circumstance form in order to get student loans to pay for these classes AND for the dormitory. i was denied and i lost access to those loans with only 8 classes left to take for that degree. in the space of 1 week i had lost my only place of residence had no job no savings and a government loan to pay off. i was so distraught and in so much pain that i was deranged and could not hope to think in a rational manner. that was my first suicide attempt and i almost died that night i was simply not able to do it "right" as i did not have the mental capacity to do so. i tried overdosing on painkillers. the reason why i tried this and keep in mind this is NOT rational from any viewpoint but mine under extreme agony was because i had lost all of my hope of ever being a productive member of society and i simply did not want to be burden to anyone. from my christian point of view i was thinking that it was alright as well because i thought i was protecting other people doing this as my burden would only makes things worse.i was just wrong.

i went to a homeless shelter that happens to be really nice and i simply spent most of my waking moments trying to find a job. this shelter has rules about how long you can stay in there and that was 3 months and you had to be in before 10:00 because that is the time for most drug activity to occur and unless you where working with paperwork you where not allowed outside. it was also the only safe place to be where i could sleep and expect to not get shot or stabbed at the time. i was part of a group on campus that is christian based and does charitable work in the area. AFTER becoming homeless i maintained contact with them but never told them about my living situation because i was to ashamed of myself to admit i needed help. well god must have planned to throw that issue out the window or something because what happened next could not have been anything short of divine intervention.this christian group was going to do a tour of the shelter i lived at. when i found out that i was not going to hide the fact that i'm homeless from my friends any longer i simply went to the pastor that runs this group on campus and told her what was really happening.(never told her i was a diaper lover though as i simply did not know what that was at the time and had more important things to think about like staying alive). well the pastor told me that she thinks i could be useful for their tour about better understanding of this problem by giving these kids a eyeopening experience by letting them know that i was in fact homeless. when the tour of my shelter came i was sitting in the living room and when people saw me look them in the eye full of shame they realized i was not there for the tour but that this was in fact my home. in that moment i realized how much pain and suffering i had inflicted on them with my own reckless behavior unintentionally and finally came to regret it. it was something that i simply needed.

after that i signed up for a special program out here that helps people get a stable place to live for free. unfortunately the waiting list for this can make you wait for years to get this help as i am single unmarried and without children they prioritize families understandably more then ones like me. and i was trying every day to get a job that never came. what happened next was just amazing. at some point this nice lady asked me about noticing that i had only 1 month left before i had to leave the shelter and she asked me what i planned to do? i told her in all honesty i had no idea except i would rather sleep under a bridge then go to the other shelter's and risk freezing to death rather then getting mugged again. she asked me why i did not sign up for that housing assistance program and i told her i did i was on a waiting list. basically i flat out told her as well that unless something get's done there's a better then even chance i will be in a obituary soon.

This is how lucky i got she was in CHARGE of most of the housing assistance programs in Toledo( i was not aware of who it was i was talking to at the time)and she pulled some strings to move me to the front of the line and i got a nice apartment now that i currently living in right now and i am on disability as well. but even that was not quite enough. i was in the middle of a binge (diaper related NOT drugs)episode last week on Saturday when i decided to try to found out why i like wearing diapers and at least get a name to this "condition" before i die. i found you guys literally on accident. i have literally been starved for knowledge like what i have learned from just reading random posts here and in fact i have learned more about myself this week then the previous 36 years of my life. please keep in mind i might be a AB and just not know it yet. please tell me what advice you can give me based on the information i have given. i am not going to be a following everyone blindly necessarily i will take what you say seriously but with a healthy grain of salt. i am keeping thing's vague deliberately about my past in regards to people and names because i simply do NOT want to be identified at such a critical and delicate stage here and people would find out about me if they knew. i have provided this long story so as to allow you some insight and possibly get better results on advice please feel free to ask questions and i will respond accordingly.


  1. caitianx's Avatar
    Being an Autistic myself (Asperger's Type) and also having Cerebral Palsy, I have been an "Adult Baby" for the past 25+ years.

    I had to raise myself, while my Dad had to work when I was a child.

    My Mom was a person with profound mental illness, and she was psychotic and violent.

    She never showed me any love.

    Being an Adult Baby has kept me sane I suppose.

    I do understand where you are coming from.

  2. giantguy99's Avatar
    just so you know i am a pretty positive guy most of the time, i don't want you to think that i focus on these things that have happened to me usually because i don't like wasting energy on them. worrying is nothing more then interest being paid for a problem that has yet to occur. all things considered i think you have been through more and i appreciate you telling me that. the reason why i posted this blog was not only stress relief but also i am wondering if i am a AB/caretaker? i know that i am a diaper lover but it occurs to me that there might be more to me because quite frankly i never had a chance to figure this out for myself until recently. i am not trying to go meet people yet as this would not be a good idea but it is something i should at least plan for and look into in the future. does this sound like a good idea to you?
  3. spddan's Avatar
    I have much that I could say here. I'll write it up and send it to you in a PM because it'd be a bit too long for this, hehe. Big hugs though!
    You've come a very long way and had a very hard road. My hope and prayer for you is that you are able to find the peace and comfort that you badly need and are able to start loving yourself in ways you never got the chance to. I will be in touch!
  4. giantguy99's Avatar
    thank you so much i really needed to hear this! yes seriously i posted this not 1 hour before i saw your post "Update on me!" and finally got a name for what is essentially my greatest weakness that very nearly destroyed me!
    only divine intervention could explain what just happened.
    Updated 15-Oct-2013 at 15:40 by giantguy99
  5. YAHLD's Avatar
    Well I must say you're story is such a sad tale I almost couldn't believe it but I do.And it's just amazing that even through all these things you've went through at the end of it all just when you needed some help it happened and things picked up for you just when you needed them and I like seeing people with personal miracles and it appears you've had several my friend.But it is good that now you have such a better understanding of yourself than you've had before and I'm sure you'll just continue to learn more about yourself the more you exploring things on here and in your daily life.

    And it's good that you're a positive person because like you I see no point worrying or dwelling on past problems or problems that might arise.As far as if you're an AB/caretaker I'm sure you'll figure it out in time seeing as you only recently accepted the part of yourself that is a DL and you havn't really had the time to delve into that part of you and explore your feelings about diapers and exactly how they make you feel and wanna do.But I think this site and its people will prove helpful to you because I havn't even been here long either and it has helped me and made me feel better about being AB/DL
  6. giantguy99's Avatar
    well i just learned more about being reckless. i seem to have a problem with emotional neglect. spddan made a post or thread "update on me!" and mentioned it in regards to himself. it seems my neglect is somehow tied into my asperger's syndrome in some way. I made a new thread under the christian group page "Is divine intervention the only rational answer for this?" i identified with this so quick that i'm wondering what's happening to me. it just feels so "weird" to finally get peace with myself on a regular basis you know? all this positive change that is occurring to me is just to convenient to be explained away with sheer stupid luck.
    Updated 16-Oct-2013 at 00:54 by giantguy99 (misspelling)
  7. YAHLD's Avatar
    Yeah I've seen spdan's thread and read it and it was a great thing to read it actually got to me.And I think emotional neglect could be linked to anything that has caused long term emotional issues and for you it could just be that you were diagnosed 32 years to late.I've never known anyone personally who had aspergers but as I understand it aspergers makes it hard for people to make connections with others so maybe that along with the abuse is part of what drove your neglect since you couldn't really reach out to anyone.

    Oh well it certainly does look like a great case of divine intervention to me.I mean I'm a christian myself and I've actually had divine intervention in my life and I don't believe it's just luck that all this has happened to you because even luck couldn't do all that stuff I fully believe you have an angel and/or God looking after you all this time and all this way in your life.
  8. giantguy99's Avatar
    well what i can tell you about my asperger's in regards to connecting to people is that it does make it hard for me to connect to people in SPECIFIC ways in specific situations. you see me and my family are estranged to each other to this day and in fact usually i see them only twice a year thanksgiving and Christmas. The truth of the matter is i hardly feel specific familial ties that should be there what those are i have no idea as this would absolutely go right over my head without me ever knowing about it. i do see circumstantial evidence of this and i have good intelligence(my I.Q is a 136 you need a 140 to be a genius last i checked). the reason why we are estranged is because mom hurt me so bad mentally that i had to turn on her in order to contain the damage she was doing to me when i was younger by refusing contact. it did break my heart to do that but i knew it was necessary because i simply could not handle her yelling at me to get my life on track as i was suicidal at the time.
  9. spddan's Avatar
    [Just a quick note: I'm caught up in some intense training program for work (aack! lol), but I'll write you that PM by this weekend. I just didn't want you to start thinking I forgot, hah. ]
  10. giantguy99's Avatar
    no problem in fact i thought it was something like that honestly. it's not like i plan on being dead anytime soon even when thinking about not being guaranteed another moment of life i don't see god wasting so much effort on me just to smoke me before i at least get done with whatever plan god has for me! in other words take your time i am very patient.
  11. YAHLD's Avatar
    Oh I see well thanks for enlightening me as to how your asperger's is seeing as I didn't know much about it to begin with.And your situation growing up was certainly a hard one and I can get why you were drove to refusing contact and turning on your mom because of the the mental abuse and all.And I can't even begin to imagine how you dealt with everything you went through but at least in the end you made the decision that was the best for yourself to protect yourself.And from how you talk it really seems that you've found a good bit of happiness which is a good thing and I hope it last a long time
  12. giantguy99's Avatar
    that happiness is me being here. and this gives a whole new meaning from the bible "And the truth will set you free". i have learned more about myself in the last few WEEKS then the previous 21 YEARS. it is quite a shock to me and i need to take this slow so i don't literally short circuit my own brain. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.