need to tell you more about my past so i can get advice about certain things as well as stress relief
by, 13-Oct-2013 at 20:02 (1093 Views)
i never really learned to accept who and what i am in all honesty until recently last week(and yes i see the irony in regards to my name). in fact i might very well be an AB who wants to be a caretaker and just not know it yet as i am still learning about myself. the reason for this is quite a long story but it all ties into my past(i'm 36 now). i know that i have autism(aspergers) but i was diagnosed with this in 2009 when i was 32. the fact of the matter was while there was nothing wrong with me fundamentally when i was born with this it would take work to prevent it from becoming a problem. but how do you work on something that needs it when your not even aware of or understand what this aspect of yourself is? you don't. i was placed in special education classes at an early age because the teachers did not know how to handle me this was in the 80's and autism was not well understood yet. mom and dad however knew i was smart and felt that i handle mainstream classes they where PARTIALLY right i could handle it on a ACADEMIC basis only not a social one. i do not think like a average person and to top it off i have little real fear of things that any regular person would be scared off. other people are afraid of this aspect of me when i finally got into mainstream classes in middle school. i was totally naive and vulnerable to the cruelty of other's in a way that is just tragic. it was like being conditioned from birth to be the perfect victim by the time i got exposed to this way of thinking. even now i only vaguely remember the abuse i had to endure without help from anyone because i was simply unable to try to get to know anyone. this led to a level of depression that only got worse over the next 15 years. mom and dad never helped either as mom thought i was just a free loader who wanted to be taken care of and not have responsibilities so she tried to show me "tough love" i was hurting so much that i never went to talk to her about anything at all including the only form of stress relief i found and that was just wearing and using a diaper. mom never knew exactly what was going on as i deliberately kept her in the dark about it because she had violated my trust in her. i was not even diagnosed properly with depression at that time although people knew i had it. i was misdiagnosed with ADD or attention deficit disorder. and for lack of a better word i lived in a dungeon throughout most of my life until i graduated from high school.
my plan was to simply get a better job and move out and live a "normal" life never knowing that is not how things worked after all i had been through. i had a job at a fast food restaurant and since i was living at home all i had to do with that money was save it for a car and for paying for classes to become a certified welder fabricator through a adult education class at a vocational school. by the time i was 19 i moved out and away from the abuse for the first time and i was at peace with myself never knowing the storm that was to come next. i knew i had a breaking point from all this stress what i did not know was my plan to simply survive and get away from it all by moving out was not going to work. i was still not diagnosed with autism at this time and never really tried to seek out treatment because i thought i would be fine. well when i kept going from one job to another i realized something else was amiss as i kept having trouble HOLDING a job. this in of itself was not the real problem this was the AGGRAVATING circumstances. the real problem was i never understood that my happiness did matter until recently. now i never could put this in words until today because it simply did not occur to me on how to do so but i had a vague or naive understanding of this before i even knew what a AB/DL was until literally last week.
i was back in college trying to get an associates degree in accounting when i got betrayed again. what happened was i had gotten sick from a nasty case of food poisoning from a pizza(it was the sausage) and it turned out to be some bug that attacks the nervous system. this was during finals month. this thing made me so ill i was having moderately severe hallucinations and went to the doctor to get fixed up. i was so messed up on this bug that month i failed some of my tests. in order to be eligible for government financial assistance you need to maintain a certain GPA. i was living in a dormitory at the time which was my place of residence when i filed a special circumstance form in order to get student loans to pay for these classes AND for the dormitory. i was denied and i lost access to those loans with only 8 classes left to take for that degree. in the space of 1 week i had lost my only place of residence had no job no savings and a government loan to pay off. i was so distraught and in so much pain that i was deranged and could not hope to think in a rational manner. that was my first suicide attempt and i almost died that night i was simply not able to do it "right" as i did not have the mental capacity to do so. i tried overdosing on painkillers. the reason why i tried this and keep in mind this is NOT rational from any viewpoint but mine under extreme agony was because i had lost all of my hope of ever being a productive member of society and i simply did not want to be burden to anyone. from my christian point of view i was thinking that it was alright as well because i thought i was protecting other people doing this as my burden would only makes things worse.i was just wrong.
i went to a homeless shelter that happens to be really nice and i simply spent most of my waking moments trying to find a job. this shelter has rules about how long you can stay in there and that was 3 months and you had to be in before 10:00 because that is the time for most drug activity to occur and unless you where working with paperwork you where not allowed outside. it was also the only safe place to be where i could sleep and expect to not get shot or stabbed at the time. i was part of a group on campus that is christian based and does charitable work in the area. AFTER becoming homeless i maintained contact with them but never told them about my living situation because i was to ashamed of myself to admit i needed help. well god must have planned to throw that issue out the window or something because what happened next could not have been anything short of divine intervention.this christian group was going to do a tour of the shelter i lived at. when i found out that i was not going to hide the fact that i'm homeless from my friends any longer i simply went to the pastor that runs this group on campus and told her what was really happening.(never told her i was a diaper lover though as i simply did not know what that was at the time and had more important things to think about like staying alive). well the pastor told me that she thinks i could be useful for their tour about better understanding of this problem by giving these kids a eyeopening experience by letting them know that i was in fact homeless. when the tour of my shelter came i was sitting in the living room and when people saw me look them in the eye full of shame they realized i was not there for the tour but that this was in fact my home. in that moment i realized how much pain and suffering i had inflicted on them with my own reckless behavior unintentionally and finally came to regret it. it was something that i simply needed.
after that i signed up for a special program out here that helps people get a stable place to live for free. unfortunately the waiting list for this can make you wait for years to get this help as i am single unmarried and without children they prioritize families understandably more then ones like me. and i was trying every day to get a job that never came. what happened next was just amazing. at some point this nice lady asked me about noticing that i had only 1 month left before i had to leave the shelter and she asked me what i planned to do? i told her in all honesty i had no idea except i would rather sleep under a bridge then go to the other shelter's and risk freezing to death rather then getting mugged again. she asked me why i did not sign up for that housing assistance program and i told her i did i was on a waiting list. basically i flat out told her as well that unless something get's done there's a better then even chance i will be in a obituary soon.
This is how lucky i got she was in CHARGE of most of the housing assistance programs in Toledo( i was not aware of who it was i was talking to at the time)and she pulled some strings to move me to the front of the line and i got a nice apartment now that i currently living in right now and i am on disability as well. but even that was not quite enough. i was in the middle of a binge (diaper related NOT drugs)episode last week on Saturday when i decided to try to found out why i like wearing diapers and at least get a name to this "condition" before i die. i found you guys literally on accident. i have literally been starved for knowledge like what i have learned from just reading random posts here and in fact i have learned more about myself this week then the previous 36 years of my life. please keep in mind i might be a AB and just not know it yet. please tell me what advice you can give me based on the information i have given. i am not going to be a following everyone blindly necessarily i will take what you say seriously but with a healthy grain of salt. i am keeping thing's vague deliberately about my past in regards to people and names because i simply do NOT want to be identified at such a critical and delicate stage here and people would find out about me if they knew. i have provided this long story so as to allow you some insight and possibly get better results on advice please feel free to ask questions and i will respond accordingly.