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Autism, Cerebral Palsy, and being an "Adult Baby"...#27

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11:30 AM -

The Sun may be shining, but I am feeling sad. Of course, this is
"normal" for me as an older adult with Autism and Cerebral Palsy.
Earlier this morning, my little brother got very angry at me. I
do feel, that no matter what I do in this world, it is always in-
correct and needs to be punished. This was totally "normal" when
our psychotic deranged Mother was alive. What is it like to not
be reprimanded? As an Autistic person, myself, being the "real
me", is a satanic act of criminality. I try so hard to be "normal",
but I "fail" at it constantly. I should mutely sit down and play
with some of my toy cars and trucks or with my NERF toy guns, but
I am finding it exceptionally difficult to shift into the right
"frame of mind" to do so. Even as a child, I found the simple act
of "playing with toys" to be exceptionally difficult. It was
always "interrupted" by my late Mother's psychotic rages. I guess
they were more "important" than the "useless" activity of simple
childhood playtime.

What is it like to have another person come over to my house to
play with me? Anyway, why does nobody want to come over to my
house to play with me? My Mother is dead. She has been buried in
the ground for 5 years now. When she was alive, she ruthlessly
deliberately destroyed any attempt I ever made since I was age 5
in trying to "make friends" with other hominid primates of my
own age.

What is friendship? It is still a profoundly "alien" concept for
me. Since my retirement at age 48 on Social Security, my door
has been "open" here at home, but almost nobody has stepped
through the door to "greet me" and to ask me about how I am and
how am I feeling. Based upon my own research, here in Salem, NH,
there are no other autistic persons other than myself here in
this town of 37,000+ persons of my own age to meet and interact
with. Hor that, I have to burn lots of gasoline to make a 90+
mile round-trip into and out of Massachusetts once a month.

Next question:
Do I "fit in" anywhere? Based upon the evidence I have found
over the past 50 years, the answer seems to be "NO". I am seen
as an "unwanted outsider". My life is a permanent "Lone Wolf"
existence, feral, and in never ending solitude. Do others
accept me? I have never had any answer to that question. Is
there anything about me to "like"? Being Autistic, I can not
even answer that question either.

Was just thinking that there are similarities between myself,
and say, "Pol Pot", the Butcher of Cambodia. Both of us did
study electronics. Both of us were at one time electronic
technicians. Both of us were/are isolated and secretive.

5:45 PM -

Been trying to provide some emotional support to my younger
brother a short time ago. It seems like the whole outside
world has told him "FUCK YOU!!!!!". I do not blame him one bit
for how he feels. I experience all those same feelings internally
as a person with Autism and Cerebral Palsy. GRowing up and
all through our adulthoods, Nathaniel, my only living brother
and I, "Thomas" have felt that it is only "US" against "Everybody
Else" in the entire world. This a profoundly harsh reality, that
both of us feel, "will never change". Maybe I myself have the
same internal "base" psychological makeup as "Pol Pot", but
without the psychopathic overlay of that certified madman who
destroyed his own country of Cambodia.

With only myself for companionship, all I have is my own inner
thoughts an feelings to deal with. Conversations with others
"face-to-face" are very rare for me.

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