View RSS Feed

CharliePup

maybe going away for a little bit

Rate this Entry
anybody who knows me knows i'm very passionate and maybe a little over impulsive. so...that's what the maybe up there is for.

this isn't a blog post to ask people to beg for me to stay (honestly? i'd expect more people to beg me to leave :P) this blog is here in general because i want people to know what happened if i don't show up for a bit.

still. i'm very hurt right now. i'm trying to type this, strike the balance between getting how i feel onto the 'page' and not being a gossip. i found out that a former close friend, someone who was a caretaker for me for a while, had spent every waking moment they were around me telling their partner how much they hated spending time with me, how annoying i was, how much they wanted to hurt me...

you know that really upset me, because she lied and told me all these nice things. i let her see and 'love' the most vulnerable part of myself... but... but if i'm honest... most of the upset right now is directed firmly at myself. i cannot see myself as anything other than bad at the moment. i want to rip the 'little girl' part of me out because it just hurts too much. i wish i could just stop existing. i wish i could not wake up tomorrow... i hate myself because i make the people i love hate me.

this is all very doom and gloom, but anybody who knows me knows i'm full of shit and i'm going to be happy as larry in a few days. don't worry. i'm probably not goin anywhere.
Tags: bullshit
Categories
Uncategorized

Comments

  1. Frogsy's Avatar
    Wow, I'm soooo sorry to hear this! That sounds so awful. I know how vulnerable little sides can be, little girl sides almost especially, and I'm so very sorry that you put yourself out there and you got hurt. That's just terrible. Hurting an AB's little side is, honestly, I think worse than hurting someone's adult side. Especially if a person is actually pretty mentally regressed at the time, or was mentally regressed when getting what sounds like 'fake' affection. So I totally understand why you're in pain right now and I would be in so much pain if that were me, too.

    I know it'll get better after a while, like you said! I am a similar way - I also tend to bounce back pretty fast. Glad you know that and good that you're seeing that about yourself already. Please don't let that one person who caused pain to you to be a representative of more than just that one person. So I hope, like, you don't distrust the entire community here! But take a break a while and that might help a lot to get things in perspective.
  2. cgh's Avatar
    I don't normally read blog posts, let alone respond to them, but...

    I'm not sure what has happened so I can't really comment on that, but I will say that you have lots of friends on this site and in the chatroom who enjoy your company and contributions and would be very sad to see you go, myself included.

    Your little side and adult side are probably hurting a lot right now, but you can focus on all the positives you still have. You have friends, memories, an uncanny ability to draw picnics and a great future to look forward to, just to name a few.

    Things may be a bit bad at the moment, but if it's a case of CharliePup vs the world I know which puppy I'd be betting on!

    Stay strong CharliePup!
  3. Marka's Avatar
    I don't wish for you to leave, CharliePup!
    I am sympathetic, and empathetic of your troubling experience...I hope that instead of it dissuading you from life, that it gives you more cause to live it.



    "...because i make the people i love hate me...."
    You have no direct control, and only so much influence on what people think, or feel about you...you can't 'make' someone 'hate' you...

    Now, it could be some matter of 'loving' the 'wrong' people for you...and that might occur from you not reasonably loving yourself too.

    But, if I had to take a crack at reading between the lines of this particular situation...I would be inclined to think that this now former caregiver had other motives for telling their partner these things...or, that the partner alone is making this up...one or both of the two of them appears to be quite insecure...perhaps even jealous, of you or your relation with the caregiver.

    I think that in the care-giving intimacies...you probably would've noticed some kind of ill-will, or odd behaviors of caring...from the caregiver...

    This appears to be something of a 'triangle' relationship...and, if you didn't get this revelation from either the caregiver, or the partner...you may need to scrutinize the one(s) that informed you of these alleged feelings against you...

    I realize that you are being conservative in your telling with the intentions of not being a 'gossip'...however, I wonder if you even have enough information yourself, to draw such conclusions just yet?

    If you wish to get into it more here, or in a PM...I'm willing! You could tell me to take a hike too...but, whatever you may or may not think, or feel of me...I am genuine...as I believe that you are too...and even if we should never agree...I do respect you for being genuine...

    With kindness,
    -Marka
  4. acorn's Avatar
    By all means, whatever you want to do. If you take a respite, well and good. Personally I’ll look forward to your return….in the meantime I’ll be cranky…..and expect to see your usual quality contribution here. You look after yourself first before all else.
  5. foxkits's Avatar
    I send you hugs yes there are those that play games. There are so many songs out there saying the same thing. Please dont beat your self up.
    Most of all do not punish your self ok. You will find there are those that do not have true feelings for others. There is some one for you for shure just you have to wade through all the toads to find them. So take the most of care .
    Hugs
  6. Trevor's Avatar
    That's harsh stuff to have to hear and I'm sorry about it. I doubt anyone ever really gets used to having their heart broken but it seems like we at least get more practice with bumps and scrapes in the rest of our lives and we also have an easier time talking to others about our hurts.

    I'm sure you know well that there's really nothing else for it but to trust again and risk more harm. There are people out there who will be straight with you about their feelings. Take some time off if you need it but please don't give up.
  7. kennyrallen's Avatar
    From what I'm reading you are hearing this second hand. Did you ask the perosn themselves just how they felt. This sounds like some one likes to stir up trouble. Likes to keep other people mad at each other.

    I do understand your hurt I have been through this to. It turned out to be from some one who was just a trouble maker. These things happen even to people who re not AB. If your care taker didn't like doing it then why was she doing it.

    None of us are bad people and we not not need to be putting ourselves down. We hit dark spots put we always make it out of the dark.
  8. CharliePup's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Frogsy
    Wow, I'm soooo sorry to hear this! That sounds so awful. I know how vulnerable little sides can be, little girl sides almost especially, and I'm so very sorry that you put yourself out there and you got hurt. That's just terrible. Hurting an AB's little side is, honestly, I think worse than hurting someone's adult side. Especially if a person is actually pretty mentally regressed at the time, or was mentally regressed when getting what sounds like 'fake' affection. So I totally understand why you're in pain right now and I would be in so much pain if that were me, too.
    This is exactly what is so painful! There were messages in there specifically complaining about my little side... Not just 'wow I hate Charlie wearing nappies' but things like 'I guess I have to fucking comfort her for an hour or six', complaining about how sensitive I was, making disparaging comments about my joyful singing when I was little... :C It feels like painful rejection of that part of me. I wish I'd known sooner, because I'd never have let her close to the little girl inside me. I thought she loved me... ah... :C

    <3 thank you for sympathizing and being supportive


    I know it'll get better after a while, like you said! I am a similar way - I also tend to bounce back pretty fast. Glad you know that and good that you're seeing that about yourself already. Please don't let that one person who caused pain to you to be a representative of more than just that one person. So I hope, like, you don't distrust the entire community here! But take a break a while and that might help a lot to get things in perspective.
    I am having a much harder time being little now, TBH. It's not so much I 'distrust' people as I feel I am 'bad' and people don't want to be around a bad person, but they are soooo good they will be nice to me because it's the 'right thing to do'... You don't say to a suicidal person 'Yeah you suck' no matter how much you hate their guts... I feel it's a similar principle here. Still, I realize that's unhealthy and I'm working on re-accepting the idea that there are people who will love and care for that part of me in a genuine way. I am wishing lately that I could just split the parts of me in two so the little girl could be loved and safe but ;.; she is stuck inside me...

    <3 Once again, thank you.


    Quote Originally Posted by cgh
    I don't normally read blog posts, let alone respond to them, but...

    I'm not sure what has happened so I can't really comment on that, but I will say that you have lots of friends on this site and in the chatroom who enjoy your company and contributions and would be very sad to see you go, myself included.

    Your little side and adult side are probably hurting a lot right now, but you can focus on all the positives you still have. You have friends, memories, an uncanny ability to draw picnics and a great future to look forward to, just to name a few.

    Things may be a bit bad at the moment, but if it's a case of CharliePup vs the world I know which puppy I'd be betting on!

    Stay strong CharliePup!
    <333 Thank you so much for this comment, it's lovely. I got your text too, although at the time I was very low so I didn't feel you'd want to hear back from me :P But for someone who doesn't usually respond/read blogs to take the time out to send me a supportive message really makes me feel good, thank you.

    I am still a little hurt, but I am moving on, gradually. <3 It's so nice to have support :HUG:


    Quote Originally Posted by kennyrallen
    From what I'm reading you are hearing this second hand. Did you ask the perosn themselves just how they felt. This sounds like some one likes to stir up trouble. Likes to keep other people mad at each other.

    I do understand your hurt I have been through this to. It turned out to be from some one who was just a trouble maker. These things happen even to people who re not AB. If your care taker didn't like doing it then why was she doing it.

    None of us are bad people and we not not need to be putting ourselves down. We hit dark spots put we always make it out of the dark.


    Quote Originally Posted by Marka
    I think that in the care-giving intimacies...you probably would've noticed some kind of ill-will, or odd behaviors of caring...from the caregiver...

    This appears to be something of a 'triangle' relationship...and, if you didn't get this revelation from either the caregiver, or the partner...you may need to scrutinize the one(s) that informed you of these alleged feelings against you...

    I realize that you are being conservative in your telling with the intentions of not being a 'gossip'...however, I wonder if you even have enough information yourself, to draw such conclusions just yet?
    I obtained a program which I was going to use to move skype logs from my old hard drive to my new hard drive. In the process, I discovered these conversations (the ones in which this person talked badly about me). Everybody I have told about this who knows the person was equal parts shocked and horrified that she could have said those things: nobody attempted to 'stir up trouble' whatsoever, quite the opposite. I read the conversations with my own eyes.

    The partner themselves was concealing these discussions from me: I'm not really sure how I feel about that (they were supposedly one of my closest friends, so it hurts to know they would let their GF say horrible things about me, but I understand they were just trying to support their partner), but the point is that they had 0 part in causing 'problems' between me and this girl. I learned this information firsthand.



    Quote Originally Posted by acorn
    By all means, whatever you want to do. If you take a respite, well and good. Personally I’ll look forward to your return….in the meantime I’ll be cranky…..and expect to see your usual quality contribution here. You look after yourself first before all else.


    Quote Originally Posted by foxkits
    I send you hugs yes there are those that play games. There are so many songs out there saying the same thing. Please dont beat your self up.
    Most of all do not punish your self ok. You will find there are those that do not have true feelings for others. There is some one for you for shure just you have to wade through all the toads to find them. So take the most of care .
    Hugs
    <3333 Thanks guys This is really nice to hear. Haha, I was worried about posting this and receivin outpourings of hate and 'good riddance' :BBB


    Quote Originally Posted by Trevor
    That's harsh stuff to have to hear and I'm sorry about it. I doubt anyone ever really gets used to having their heart broken but it seems like we at least get more practice with bumps and scrapes in the rest of our lives and we also have an easier time talking to others about our hurts.

    I'm sure you know well that there's really nothing else for it but to trust again and risk more harm. There are people out there who will be straight with you about their feelings. Take some time off if you need it but please don't give up.
    At least this time I didn't go /completely/ to pieces... Wise words as always Trevor. :C I hope to find those people, but it does seem like the world is a very dangerous place right now...


    Thank you again to everybody. I'm still working up the courage to return to the IRC (sort of see it as 'their' place now :B), and I'm not likely to start posting again any time soon, but I felt I should respond to some of the things here, and it seemed rude to leave everybody else out.

    <3 Big hugs to you all. I feel a lot better than before, but I'm still struggling a little. I'll see you all soon.
  9. cgh's Avatar
    It's great to see that you're back and feeling at least a bit better. We missed you!
  10. Marka's Avatar
    I'm getting to understand you better CharliePup...
    While I don't regress per-se myself...I do have my experiences with a high level of sensitivity...carefully, or perhaps better said...thoughtful, objective and considerate words...aren't necessarily avoidance of more subjective feelings, such as your example i.e.

    "You don't say to a suicidal person 'Yeah you suck' no matter how much you hate their guts..."
    Anyone who is genuinely reaching out to help...won't be thinking in such subjective ways in the first place... Because, one wouldn't even think "you suck"...the closest approximation to that would be...you really seem to be having a very difficult time, and it shows in how you carry yourself.

    "you hate their guts" would roughly translate to...I do not understand where you are coming from, and I feel very vulnerable or uncertain of what you may do to me or others...

    Most of this amounts to huge misunderstandings... not any real assessment of anyone...


    -Marka
    p.s. My request should not be construed as charity, but as genuine! -M
    Updated 01-Oct-2013 at 20:28 by Marka (p.s.)
  11. EmilyAdella's Avatar
    Good luck CharliePup, you may know I regress too, however I have never been able to let a caretaker into my life, you are brave for doing that, I am glad to see you around and I am sorry for the hurt you have faced.
    -

    -
    Adella
  12. Marka's Avatar
    CharliePup, I really do wish, that there was something that I could do to help... -Marka
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.