Swirls of Flavor
by, 31-Aug-2013 at 21:05 (261 Views)
So, if you have followed the ongoing saga of Little Kerry and her New Daddy, you know that I came out to my husband (with great trepidation and a "what the hell, this day can't get any worse" sort of attitude) about all of my AB stuff last week and, to my delight, he was interested in learning about this world and being my new Daddy. Little Kerry, BTW, is the name my former Daddy called my Little, taking it from the character in my latest story, and I liked it so it stuck. My own name has never sounded right to me as an AB name anyway. Before this, she was amorphous; now, she is taking shape and is clearer each day.
What has followed has been amazing, frustrating, wonderful, and perhaps a bit scary.
The amazing part is the fact that I, a person who until about ten days ago had never even entertained the notion of needing a Daddy, have now tried one online relationship that was very nice for a bit and then proved unsuccessful and now suddenly and unfathomably have a RL Daddy! I mean there is actually a man I cuddle up to in bed, my fresh diaper on, talking to through the thumb in my mouth, telling him how much I love him while he tells me the same and calls me his baby girl. I mean!
The frustrating part, as those who read my thread in the forums know, is that my hubby/Daddy is Perfect Vanilla and has no real clue how to do any of this. The cuddling is an extension of what we've always done, and "baby girl" is pretty easy, as is accepting a couple of new quirks about me. But trying to help him figure out his role in this whole thing is hard and slow and difficult. He is willing, but he is perhaps not eager? I'm taking it slow. He's indicated for example a willingness eventually to change my diaper, but I told him he should do that when he is ready, not before, and it's OK if he is never ready, though I'd like it very much. He did cut my meat for me at dinner last night when I asked him to, but he didn't think to serve anything to me. The great thing is that my very unplayful hubby is expressing and showing a willingness to play. So I'm not going to worry that it is going to take some time for him to get there; all I'me going to do is be happy that I'm starting to find swirling ribbons of flavor hidden in the solid vanilla of my hubby.
The wonderful part is learning who exactly my Little is. I mean it's funny: I've had this fascination with diapers most of my life, and I've had a Little side as long as I can remember, but as I said it's been amorphous. I have never really thought much about how to place it on any spectrum before. When I was able to roleplay IRL briefly in college, I played baby--using a bottle, sucking a paci, dressing in really short dresses, etc.--but that was a game and I knew it. It was fun, but it never felt the same as what is happening now. Now I feel as if I am letting some innate part of myself come out, not as if I am playing some silly role in a dressup game. I need this, and I need to understand my Little. Kerry is a part of me, and I need to know her. What's really bizarre is that, as time goes on, I'm still trying to figure out basic things, like how old she is. I've always assumed, for example, that she is maybe 2-3, because she is diapered, but then nothing in my mind has her speaking any kind of silly "baby talk," and just tonight I realized, after discussing it with my hubby, that she doesn't really need a bottle; a sippy cup will do fine. There is a recognizable silliness to her about the bottle, a thing she's not. So she's older. She's at least four or five. Yet she's still in full time diapers, so there must be a reason for that and I do not know what it is. I know it probably embarrasses her, though.
The scary part? Discovering just how much I need this. In the past, all of this was a small, compartmentalized fragment of my life. Suddenly it feels as if I have opened Pandora's Box and unleashed things I am utterly unable to control. I have begun feeling Little at totally random times. I have impossible to ignore urges to suck my thumb, which I had never done in my entire life before last week but which I now find remarkably soothing and comforting. I want to spend more and more time as Little Kerry and learn more and more about her, learn her likes and dislikes, see the world through her eyes, shed my own cares and concerns and be safe in my Daddy's arms. I don't know: maybe it's the IC, which forces me to wear diapers 24/7 and causes them to be wet a good deal of that time, that makes it easy to slip into this mode, but I don't think so. Others are IC without utterly losing it. Well, maybe not "utterly losing it," but surely this is not completely normal behavior? I'm so excited about a few fine ribbons of flavor in my hubby's ice cream, but maybe I should be examining the possibility that my own might be completely overloaded with add-ins. I have to be careful not to lose me in all the new joys I am finding.