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The Roller Coaster Continues

Rating: 3 votes, 4.67 average.
I have a tendency to rush into things. It's a fault, I think. I don't listen to the voice inside me even when it is screaming, "Slow down, you idiot!" It's funny: I am usually the one who recognizes internet scams, but I don't ever seem to be able to see through the things IRL that might hurt me. I've been hurt badly a few times because of that fault, and I'm not even sure I can completely place blame on the ones who do the hurting: I may have an active Little side, but I am after all someone who is supposed to be a grownup. I'm supposed to know how to avoid these situations.


Last week a member with whom I had been corresponding in PM's offered to be my Daddy. I hadn't even realized before that I wanted or needed a Daddy, but as I was talking with him a part of me that I didn't even remember was there came out in full force, and I recognized her right away and knew that she very much did need one. That's when I enthusiastically agreed. We continued to post back and forth, but it became clear in a few days that we were not as compatible as we had at first believed. When he said he could no longer do this, my heart was broken. I was broken. I had once again walked blindly into something when I should have been proceeding with caution, and I had once again gotten hurt. I felt utterly lost.

All day today I moved through a fog. Some time during the weekend my thumb had migrated to my mouth of its own accord (this is absolutely true) and I let it slide in and sucked on it and it felt solid and good, unlike everything else in my world. Several times today--at school--I allowed myself this solace when I was alone. I have not sucked my thumb in...ever.

Then I had a urology test after school that was painful and embarrassing. They kept telling me to stop the flow and I couldn't...I just couldn't...and it never did stop...and I don't know what that means but it didn't feel good in any way at all.

And I got home, and my husband asked me about my day. And I...

Lying on my own side of the king sized bed, him on his side, I stared at the ceiling and thought: fuck it. I'm totally broken, and if there is ever going to be a time to tell him, this is it. And anyway how much lower can I get today? So without moving at all or looking at him, I launched into the narrative of my entire AB past and present. I told him what I have never told anyone who knows me IRL. Ever. Even the college girl who was my lover and my"mommy" playmate (and whom I later married) only knew the small part attached to that specific moment in my life. And I was telling him everything, letting it spill freely, clearly, slowly, saying things out loud that I had never said before, rolling the dice without any clear knowledge of where they would land.

What made it all the more frightening was this: when I started my IC research in May, I mentioned that my search had taken me to AB sites, and he let out a scoffing kind of snort. And at the beginning--the very beginning--of my narrative tonight, he made that exact same sound. But I talked on anyway.

When I finally finished, when I got to my faux-Daddy and the mess I had made and how broken I was feeling, we lay there in silence for a moment. Then I rolled over to look at him. He was looking at me. He said, "That was very interesting."

I agreed, and he said, "What do you want from all of that?"

I moved closer to him and said, "We don't actually have a sex life. I guess I was hoping that maybe...because you know I always feel so protected and safe whenever I'm in your arms."

He smiled. "Then push the cat out of the way and come over here, Little Girl."

He unrolled an arm so I could crawl into it, and I did, making myself as small as possible as he cradled me. "That was a brave thing to tell me," he said.

"Thank you," I told him.

We lay there for a long time again, him holding me, and then he said. "You've always made our lives interesting. I think you just opened a door that will make them even more interesting. I'm going to have to do some research into all of this online."

My heart skipped a beat and I smiled.

"Do you mind if, when I'm Little, I call you Daddy?"

He smiled right back. "Go right ahead, Baby," he said, as my thumb slipped into my mouth.

And we cuddled that way for another hour before I was so wet I needed to get up to change.

Updated 28-Aug-2013 at 04:11 by kerry



  1. Strontium's Avatar
    By the look of it, the roller coaster ride has come to an end and you've been presented with a picture of a smiling little girl clutching at her daddy's arm with excitement.

    Seriously, I know you've been having a rough time of it recently with all the upheaval that life has been throwing at you but feel warmth from the knowledge that your courageous act of spilling the beans has released you in to the arms of someone who must truly care for you.
  2. Frogsy's Avatar
    I guess then that everything ended up falling into place. You went the long way around but ended up in the correct arms, I suppose. It seems very encouraging that your husband said he would research this a bit, without you begging him to, as many ABs have to do!

    My rollercoastering has simmered down lately. I've been sort of riding high without being dropped down! That's been quite amazing. I'm sorry I seemed to have exchanged the big ups and big downs with you! It's encouraging, however, that right now you are on an upswing.
  3. foxkits's Avatar
    Now the thing is how little do you wish to go and you need to both talk
    Its a two way street .
    Now the doors open .
    You need to find stories and pages how you wish th be treated .
    So you both are on same page. You would not want him picking up the wrong stuff.
    Keep talking so you both know each others likes and dis likes
    Good luck
  4. kerry's Avatar
    I am happy tonight, though perhaps a tad frustrated as well.

    He says he tried to hunt down information, but it was difficult to come by. And this evening I tried as well: he's right. There is precious little out there that caters to the caretaker community. We have a Guide here on ADISC, but it is largely aimed at online caretakers, people who don't really know each other, rather than spouses or SO's. I finally did find one blog written by a Daddy that, though it is very much a gay man writing about his Daddy/Little Boy relationship with another gay man, and seems to shut girls out altogether, at least has ideas that can be universalized. My Daddy is so completely a newbie in all of this that he really needs education from the ground up. I wish such a thing existed: a support forum for AB Daddies and Mommies.

    Hey, weird language question: why oh why is a "caretaker" the same thing as a "caregiver"?
  5. Nadia's Avatar
    I know of a blog (or two) from a "daddies" perspective and his "little". He is very informative and caring and I think they (His blog and hers) would have good information for you husband and maybe even you. You may have to look through his archive (for which it is a tumblr blog) he has many people ask him questions regarding AB/DL and or Daddy/Little Girl topics. As I said before he is very informative and not in bad taste, like he doesn't make it creepy or anything he is very nice. His link is A Genuine Passionate Daddy I hope he helps and espescially look at the archive to find his answers to common questions.
  6. Frogsy's Avatar
    Usually ICKG - I think the best thing is to read that article on infantilism that explains us rather fairly as not being total sickos. And then honestly I'd make it up as you go along with your partner. You have your own ideas of what a great caregiver would be, and he would probably love to do that. Like, you know, sexual or not? Discipline or not? What rules should be followed? What are the best ways to be cuddled or put to bed? Does your little side like doing childish activities (like coloring) or participating in adult activity (like watching horror movies) but while being treated like a child? Those are things for you both to decide and not anyone else.
  7. kerry's Avatar
    Naleas, thanks for that link. I've been looking through it and it could prove helpful. Frogsy, thanks also. My problem is trying to help my vanilla and generally unimaginative hubbie find his way into this world. He's willing, but he's utterly stumped. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.