The Roller Coaster Continues
by, 28-Aug-2013 at 02:32 (1683 Views)
I have a tendency to rush into things. It's a fault, I think. I don't listen to the voice inside me even when it is screaming, "Slow down, you idiot!" It's funny: I am usually the one who recognizes internet scams, but I don't ever seem to be able to see through the things IRL that might hurt me. I've been hurt badly a few times because of that fault, and I'm not even sure I can completely place blame on the ones who do the hurting: I may have an active Little side, but I am after all someone who is supposed to be a grownup. I'm supposed to know how to avoid these situations.
Last week a member with whom I had been corresponding in PM's offered to be my Daddy. I hadn't even realized before that I wanted or needed a Daddy, but as I was talking with him a part of me that I didn't even remember was there came out in full force, and I recognized her right away and knew that she very much did need one. That's when I enthusiastically agreed. We continued to post back and forth, but it became clear in a few days that we were not as compatible as we had at first believed. When he said he could no longer do this, my heart was broken. I was broken. I had once again walked blindly into something when I should have been proceeding with caution, and I had once again gotten hurt. I felt utterly lost.
All day today I moved through a fog. Some time during the weekend my thumb had migrated to my mouth of its own accord (this is absolutely true) and I let it slide in and sucked on it and it felt solid and good, unlike everything else in my world. Several times today--at school--I allowed myself this solace when I was alone. I have not sucked my thumb in...ever.
Then I had a urology test after school that was painful and embarrassing. They kept telling me to stop the flow and I couldn't...I just couldn't...and it never did stop...and I don't know what that means but it didn't feel good in any way at all.
And I got home, and my husband asked me about my day. And I...
Lying on my own side of the king sized bed, him on his side, I stared at the ceiling and thought: fuck it. I'm totally broken, and if there is ever going to be a time to tell him, this is it. And anyway how much lower can I get today? So without moving at all or looking at him, I launched into the narrative of my entire AB past and present. I told him what I have never told anyone who knows me IRL. Ever. Even the college girl who was my lover and my"mommy" playmate (and whom I later married) only knew the small part attached to that specific moment in my life. And I was telling him everything, letting it spill freely, clearly, slowly, saying things out loud that I had never said before, rolling the dice without any clear knowledge of where they would land.
What made it all the more frightening was this: when I started my IC research in May, I mentioned that my search had taken me to AB sites, and he let out a scoffing kind of snort. And at the beginning--the very beginning--of my narrative tonight, he made that exact same sound. But I talked on anyway.
When I finally finished, when I got to my faux-Daddy and the mess I had made and how broken I was feeling, we lay there in silence for a moment. Then I rolled over to look at him. He was looking at me. He said, "That was very interesting."
I agreed, and he said, "What do you want from all of that?"
I moved closer to him and said, "We don't actually have a sex life. I guess I was hoping that maybe...because you know I always feel so protected and safe whenever I'm in your arms."
He smiled. "Then push the cat out of the way and come over here, Little Girl."
He unrolled an arm so I could crawl into it, and I did, making myself as small as possible as he cradled me. "That was a brave thing to tell me," he said.
"Thank you," I told him.
We lay there for a long time again, him holding me, and then he said. "You've always made our lives interesting. I think you just opened a door that will make them even more interesting. I'm going to have to do some research into all of this online."
My heart skipped a beat and I smiled.
"Do you mind if, when I'm Little, I call you Daddy?"
He smiled right back. "Go right ahead, Baby," he said, as my thumb slipped into my mouth.
And we cuddled that way for another hour before I was so wet I needed to get up to change.