It's been so long! (a spiritual/esoteric blog)
by, 21-Aug-2013 at 05:09 (1041 Views)
I never really come on here anymore, and whenever I happen to pass by this site when surfing the internet, I always HAVE to see what's up. And then I see all the cool people on here, and I just want to sign in again. I changed my username and forgot it though, so I had to search the blogs until I found it...
Anyways, I suppose I want to talk about where I've been? Or maybe just ramble to you users who might be reading this.
So my sister who was mysteriously debilitated in ways of the mind, identity, and spirituality has been home since August last year. Seeing her like this was not easy; she really wasn't even a person anymore. To quote a script I wrote in my Writing class last year, "it's like her soul was taken apart piece by piece until there was nothing left." I grew up with her, mind you, and before she went downhill she was the most beautiful, fun, loving person you could ever meet. It took a toll on all of us, and with the further deterioration of our extended family's formerly strong support and trust in one another, I literally went to Hell.
I started trying to find a way to regain some perspective on why I shouldn't end my unraveling life (yes, it was just about that bad). Of course, my immediate family, which was all I had left, would probably implode if I killed myself, and that was my primary reason for staying. But for the personal reason, I started trying to regain contact with Ain Soph Aur, the Qabalistic concept of God, whom I had experienced sometime late 2011. Read about that here:
Unfortunately, I delved into the occult without any means of knowing what I was messing with, particularly a system of magic called Enochian Magic, so named because it supposedly brings you into contact with angels as described from the lost Book of Enoch. It's literally the most powerful system of magic to date, and here I was, running before I was walking. The energy that's unleashed from this system is immense, but in my numbed stupor, I did it over and over, asking these powerful beings for things that may or may not have mattered. It drove me to the brink of darkness and insanity, so much so that staring into anyone's eyes immediately caused them to look away. I don't wholly blame the magic for this, as it was mainly my paradigm on life that did this, and Enochian magic basically amplified it in ways that did not help anyone or anything.
So, that's basically where I've been: recuperating in isolation, both emotionally and spiritually. My sister moved back to college this past Sunday, where I know she will have tons of fun, despite her lingering anxiety, and this makes me feel LOADS better. School started back up as well, which...well, I've never truly been a fan of. I believe the most important part of life is the path to the undeniable and unquestionable Self, which art and esotericism provide, and which school ultimately does not, in my humble opinion.
I've gotten into better ways of regaining contact with God, namely alchemy, astrology, and Qabalah. I've also been meditating on a regular basis for a little while now in a shape called the Germ of Life; it's the shape outlined in the Creation story of Genesis. I truly believe this shape is the key to Oneness with Self, and I know it's the outline of the very Universe we live in and are undoubtedly connected to. It's a powerful shape!
So, as for my current stance, I will pull a quote I found on a random DL tumblr, "The loneliest people are often the kindest, the saddest people often smile the brightest, and the most damaged people are often the wisest."
Hats off to you, kind sir!