every once in a while
by, 18-Aug-2013 at 18:43 (5959 Views)
I don't know what it is about today, but despite the fact that I am sitting on my deck and it is lovely out I am feeling kind of down. Maybe it's that school starts up this week and I have not really managed to get anything done. Maybe it's that, despite my bold proclamations to the contrary, I've been so obsessed by my issue with IC that I've been unable to focus long enough to get anything done most of the summer. I've been highly emotional, though not depressed, for many weeks. And today I'm just kind of in a funk.
I know depressed. I've been diagnosed clinically depressed, as have two of my kids, as has my husband: I know the signs. This isn't it. But it isn't normal either. Normally in the summer I'd have been writing--I have a novel that I completed a revision of six weeks ago and have not touched since, though I know I need to go through it with a fine toothed coin to check for inconsistencies, etc.--or prepping my classes, or doing something around the house, or reading, or something. This summer I'm lucky if I can manage to watch TV. I've been spending entire days online--something I have never done before--and most of them on this site. My AB side has returned, as I have posted. I just read a FaennaJo post about how she likes to rejuvenate her Little and I felt utterly jealous: I cannot do those things at my age and in my circumstances.
I don't know what it is. This sort of thing happens every once in a while, but it rarely has gone on so long. It has basically been happening all summer, to one extent or another. It's on days such as this when I allow myself to consider it that it gets to me. I sincerely believe every word I have written on this site about hope and life and positive outlook, but there are just days when that is difficult to find. My daughters are leaving for college, my husband is still unemployed, my son-in-law still suffers from Stage 4 brain cancer, my father is still what he is, I still have few close RL friends because I have never truly learned how to cultivate them, I am not prepared for school to begin, and it is beginning.
It's a fantastically perfect August day. I am sitting on my deck in a diaper, shorts, a pretty tank top, and nothing else, sipping my water from my oversized thermos jug, typing on my laptop. Birds are in the trees. Bikers roll by on the sidewalk and the occasional car passes in the street. There is a gentle breeze. Someone is using a power saw somewhere. I should be loving this. Usually I would be. But every once in a while there is a day when it seems that I just simply...can't.