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kerry

about suicide

Rating: 4 votes, 4.25 average.
I posted this into a thread today regarding an acute suicide prevention situation. I was late to the thread; the problem had been averted--thank goodness--but I felt the need to write something anyway, and this is what came out. I decided that it belonged here as well as in a random thread in the middle of the forums.

I've been close to killing myself on three separate occasions and may have done it once had I not been fortuitously interrupted in a garage full of CO1 by a cell phone call that, for some reason, I actually answered. It turned out to be a woman from a church group I was supposed to be at who, knowing I was having troubles, was calling to see if I was OK. She never knew I was in the middle of a suicide attempt--and I didn't tell her about it until years later, when she too needed a huge pick-me-up--but she saved me that night by showing me that someone actually cared and would miss me if I were not there. I would certainly have succeeded otherwise; no one would have even looked until at least sometime the next day when I didn't show for work. And if I had...

I'd have missed watching my children grow up and begin to discover themselves.
I'd have missed seeing my oldest child, lost and troubled, wander in and out of darkness until he knew he was transgender and began taking hormones and finally was happy.
I'd have missed falling in love again and getting remarried.
I'd have missed seeing the country elect its first black President.
I'd have missed traveling to Alaska with my mother, one of the most joyful memories of my entire life.
I'd have missed traveling to Europe this summer with my two college-aged daughters, a memory that may someday supplant even that last one.
I'd have missed Firefly, and that would have been terrible.
I'd have missed so many friendships, so many conversations, so many people.
I'd have missed the impact I've been able to have on thousands of students over so many years.
I'd have missed moments like the one I'm having right now: sitting on my deck on a perfect August day with a cup of coffee and a laptop, enjoying the waning days of summer vacation.

I'd have missed so much life and so much everything.

It would have continued without me, as it always does when living creatures and things die. But I would not have been here to be a part of it. When I think about that, I give thanks to whatever power exists in the universe for that phone call that night from a church friend I hardly really even knew or know. I was unwilling or unable to save myself, but without even recognizing that she was doing so she reached out and did it for me. She did me a favor I can never, ever pay back. I don't owe her one.

I owe her ​all.
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Comments

  1. kennyrallen's Avatar
    It is never the answer. I tried 2 times.

    I missed out of having a family of my own due to the fact of my birth parents. They were Brother and Sister. I was afraid of what I mightpass on if I did father children.
    I think right now you are helping me a grat deal you may be the only one who does understand what I'm going though right now.

    You are a very good person and don't you ever forget that.
  2. Strontium's Avatar
    I was just reading the forum thread and I subscribed to it so I can read it when I'd down, it sure helps to know I'm not alone.
  3. kerry's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Strontium
    I was just reading the forum thread and I subscribed to it so I can read it when I'd down, it sure helps to know I'm not alone.
    You are never alone here. That's the entire point of support forum.
  4. Adventurer's Avatar
    Thank you so much for posting this. It's too easy to focus on the problems, and not of the best days that lie ahead. Even when it all seems hopeless, there's no way to tell how much the future holds!

    It took real courage to share such a personal story, and I bet it'll be a huge help to lots of people on here, not to mention you. Thanks for this, and for everything you've added to the community so far! Holding each other up like this is one of the most beautiful things we can do for each other.
  5. Frogsy's Avatar
    I read this at a very opportune time. It gave me a lot to think about. I rated you five stars and at the moment that's all I can think to do. Oh and also I'd like to thank you very much for writing such a nice blog entry about hope.
  6. kerry's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Frogsy
    I read this at a very opportune time. It gave me a lot to think about. I rated you five stars and at the moment that's all I can think to do. Oh and also I'd like to thank you very much for writing such a nice blog entry about hope.
    Sweetie, that's what we are all here for. The possibility of hope. I've found myself without it on far too many occasions to allow someone else to feel hopeless without trying to remind her of the joys that are out there. I do it with my students; I've done it with my kids; I try​ to do it with myself (and that works...sort of...sometimes). And I'm here to do it for you.
  7. kennyrallen's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by ICkaraokegirl
    Sweetie, that's what we are all here for. The possibility of hope. I've found myself without it on far too many occasions to allow someone else to feel hopeless without trying to remind her of the joys that are out there. I do it with my students; I've done it with my kids; I try​ to do it with myself (and that works...sort of...sometimes). And I'm here to do it for you.
    That is the hardest part listening to ourselves. When we stop looking at our nagitves an go with the positives we over come most of our fears.

    There are times with myself I want to find a cave some where seal it up and tell the world to leave the hell a lone. But we can not shut ourselves away.
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