by, 11-Aug-2013 at 05:01 (459 Views)
Everything so hard lately and I have started to question many things in my life. The biggest one is my little side. I feel like ever since I found out about AB/DL and discovered I fit in as an AB, my life has become a mess. The first couple of months weren't bad, I kept it to my self and no one knew about it. But after awhile of reading stories, I decided I wanted a daddy. I started looking online and that was the first time I had ever talked to anyone. When I first signed up for an account on a website I hardly talked to anyone and was very shy about it all. I met a guy who was close to where I live and we got together and he became my daddy. Once I met him one of the worst things in my life happened.
I was in a bad car accident. Just the day before my accident me and this guy were talking about cars and he had mentioned he had been in an accident. I then told him I had never been in a car accident or gotten pulled over and given a ticket. The very next day on the way home from the beach, I flipped my car going around a curve, going a little too fast, and it rolled. My best friend was in the car with me at the time and thankfully the worst thing that happened was she had a broken arm and I had a bump on the head. It was really nice to have my new daddy for me that night and the next few weeks. A short while later he broke up with me and I was so upset because I thought I had found what I wanted.
A while later I met another guy who became my whole world. I loved him so much and he became my daddy too. The only problem? He lives across the country. But we made it work and things looked better. He was everything to me. He spoiled me, loved me, and made me feel little and I just loved it. He was always there encouraging me when I had a hard time. He helped me through a really rough spot as well. My best friend, who I consider to be my sister because we have known each other since we were 2, her family was my family and I considered her mom my second mother. Well, she had cancer and was fighting the battle for 4 years passed away just a little before my birthday this year. My daddy helped me through this and was there when I was week. He even surprised me by telling me he was coming out to my birthday about a week later and had been planning it for a few months. I was so excited and that weekend he came out was the best of my life. I got to be his little girl for real, being in his arms and having the most amazing birthday. I received my first kiss that weekend. It was the most special thing I had ever had done in my entire life. I thought he was the one. He fit in with my family so well. It was just perfect, more than perfect. It was the hardest to have to say goodbye at the airport when he left. School had resumed then after that spring break and classes got some what hard. This had been my worst year at college, having had my computer break on me and having to send it out twice because they didn't fix it the first time. One week I had a stomach bug, the caught a cold, and ended up with food poisoning, in just one week.
When summer started approaching, things got bad for me and my daddy. We had been together 8 months at this point, and my longest relationship. One thing led to another and he told me he didn't love me like he thought he did. This broke me down so bad. I have never been physically sick from being so upset before. And what made it worse was because I was on the way to the weekend of my brother's wedding. It was the day before the wedding and I had to put a smile on my face for pictures when my heart was thoroughly broken. That was the hardest time of my life. I loved him with all my heart and it never mattered. I have always had many insecurities but being told I'm not loved just brought them all out. I felt so worthless, so broken. I thought I had everything with him and that all got taken away from me.
This hadn't been the only thing bad that happened to me in those weeks at the end of the school term. I was having a really tough time in one of my classes and ended up with a grade in the class that wasn't very good. I had also applied for a summer job that I wanted so bad and knew I could be good at. The interview had gone EXTREMELY well! Then I got the call and was told I didn't get the job. It crushed me. I could have used my daddy to help me through, or even just someone to comfort me, but I had no one! Going home for the summer I found myself with no job, no daddy/boyfriend, and long days to myself. It has now been the worst summer of my life and I still have another month before it will end.
Many days I feel so alone that it just hurts to be stuck home all day. I finally wrote my ex-daddy/boyfriend a letter and thought maybe my luck would change just a little. Things went better than I thought they would when he got the letter but he just wants to stay friends and get to know each other better. That was looking up a little bit. I ended up getting a phone call later asking if I was still interested in employment at a different place I applied. Sadly things have taken to going down hill again. I didn't get the job because they wont hire for a month and things with my ex haven't improved much. Now I had offended a friend saying something I shouldn't have voiced and I am deeply sorry for offending.
Lately I just feel like I can't do anything right. I want to go back a year and change who I met and what I did. I want go back and do something so my second mom was still here because I miss her so much. Some days I almost wish I had never gotten on AB/DL websites because it seems that most of my pain has come from something involving this fetish. Back at Christmas time, my mom found out about me having this fetish and was disgusted. She said I needed help. That really hurt. But recently I have to wonder if she is right... Do I need help? Should I give it all up? Try to live my life without it? Maybe if I did things would be as bad to me. Maybe if I had never started in the first place I wouldn't be in this horrible spot in my life. I just keep wondering when things will turn around and be just a little bit better.
I feel like I have no one in my life that cares about me at all. I feel so alone and so trapped all the time. I often wonder if anyone would notice if I fell of the face of the earth. I'm betting no one would even know. I feel so insignificant all the time. I want someone to love me, and care about me. I miss when I had my daddy and had someone to control some things for me and help me when I need it. Some days I just want to run away from everything and start new. Go somewhere that no one knows me. Get off social networking sites and change my number. Though I know that wouldn't change much of anything because I am too shy around people.
I just want someone to care about me and make me feel special. Some one who I can count on. I just want to be happy again. I just want to be happy.... Is that too hard to ask?