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MOPaddED

Under Reconstruction

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As Jim Morrison said: "been down so G.D. long, that it looks like up to me"

Due in a large part to my inability to relate and articulate to family I'd been in a 'fight or flight' mode for the better part of the year. I was readying myself for a stealthy exit where I was gonna be free and happy, and they weren't going to have me there to kick around anymore.

Then my ticket out of hell got cancelled; I replaced a crucial engine part in my vehicle and while I didnt expect to be able to ride it forever I surely didn't expect to have it bricked again over the same issue less than a month between.

Besides the dread, doubt and despondency I have an unaddressed court case regarding a traffic incident and my brain chemistry has been out of balance for going on 2 months. Of course my stash is dwindling, which could be a blessing in disguise since my room is being prepped for repainting and I may get unwanted visitors.

So the night before, I was called to the carpet and as much as I set out to be conciliatory I ended up reacting to verbal barbs and launched my own warhead which was redirected back at me and led to an ultimatum, when I isolated and self-injured pretty badly to the point of showing the next day.

I came closer than I ever want to again of the hospital; it was suggested rather I call my dad and through his efforts I ended up getting a doctor's appointment not so far forward as before. Before he'd arrived I was convinced I would be inpatient before the day was over but once he showed up and got me out of the house to talk I was a lot more calm and he was able to intermediate for me to the rest of the family later.

As it stands, I have a short list of things I'm supposed to be focused on, posted on the refrigerator. I'm confident I can adhere to them. My transportation issue has been resolved by my family stepping in and covering the other half of the purchase price for a crated bike. A major factor in what led to my meltdown was my reluctance to present anything I consider 'bad news' - which I see has a pattern of becoming worse news whenever I try not to burden others.

I'm at a place where I can see the light reaching into the tunnel; I told them all how remorseful and ashamed I felt (for acting out of my paranoia) that I was giving them cause for concern. I'm not planning on outing myself anytime soon but I have a few communication skills that I need to get out the wire brush and spray WD-40 on, but once I got it all out I feel a sense of relief. I don't really like that I couldn't pay for a new machine all by myself but it was pointed out that everyone else wants to have the chance to do something nice for somebody too and that I should take comfort in being the recipient once in a while.

So I've got something that ended positively for a change
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Comments

  1. kennyrallen's Avatar
    Sorry to hear that you reached a point of a meltdown. But having been there I do understand. For myself I held things in for to long. not wanting to say any thing to any one. Kept it bottled up, which is no good. I let myself be a door mat to other people until I finally blow . It did cost me a stay in the hospital.
  2. oleman72's Avatar
    I'm glad you got things squared away. Wish you luck in the future.
  3. MOPaddED's Avatar
    I appreciate the encouragement.

    Well now, I came in from church and my female bird locked herself out of the cage. So I opened the big hatch to get her back in. The male hopped out, and found the 1 window without a screen. The crows are going to get him before he starves. Cest la vie, I suppose.

    I'm actually more affected by the lingering effects of 'euthanizing' my vintage bike - hopefully the frame makes a good donor for the kids who found it before the scrap men did. The new machine is fine and all, reasonably fast and solid but it has no 'soul' - dare I say like a post-1985 Fender guitar; some things are made better and it looks like the original, but it's not the same. In time I'll warm up to it - I'm grateful for it but I feel like I murdered my old friend at the moment
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