by, 27-Jul-2013 at 02:44 (429 Views)
As Jim Morrison said: "been down so G.D. long, that it looks like up to me"
Due in a large part to my inability to relate and articulate to family I'd been in a 'fight or flight' mode for the better part of the year. I was readying myself for a stealthy exit where I was gonna be free and happy, and they weren't going to have me there to kick around anymore.
Then my ticket out of hell got cancelled; I replaced a crucial engine part in my vehicle and while I didnt expect to be able to ride it forever I surely didn't expect to have it bricked again over the same issue less than a month between.
Besides the dread, doubt and despondency I have an unaddressed court case regarding a traffic incident and my brain chemistry has been out of balance for going on 2 months. Of course my stash is dwindling, which could be a blessing in disguise since my room is being prepped for repainting and I may get unwanted visitors.
So the night before, I was called to the carpet and as much as I set out to be conciliatory I ended up reacting to verbal barbs and launched my own warhead which was redirected back at me and led to an ultimatum, when I isolated and self-injured pretty badly to the point of showing the next day.
I came closer than I ever want to again of the hospital; it was suggested rather I call my dad and through his efforts I ended up getting a doctor's appointment not so far forward as before. Before he'd arrived I was convinced I would be inpatient before the day was over but once he showed up and got me out of the house to talk I was a lot more calm and he was able to intermediate for me to the rest of the family later.
As it stands, I have a short list of things I'm supposed to be focused on, posted on the refrigerator. I'm confident I can adhere to them. My transportation issue has been resolved by my family stepping in and covering the other half of the purchase price for a crated bike. A major factor in what led to my meltdown was my reluctance to present anything I consider 'bad news' - which I see has a pattern of becoming worse news whenever I try not to burden others.
I'm at a place where I can see the light reaching into the tunnel; I told them all how remorseful and ashamed I felt (for acting out of my paranoia) that I was giving them cause for concern. I'm not planning on outing myself anytime soon but I have a few communication skills that I need to get out the wire brush and spray WD-40 on, but once I got it all out I feel a sense of relief. I don't really like that I couldn't pay for a new machine all by myself but it was pointed out that everyone else wants to have the chance to do something nice for somebody too and that I should take comfort in being the recipient once in a while.
So I've got something that ended positively for a change